Ohh,[br]you're so good.
Ohh, yes.[br]I am the best, baby.
- [ Woman On TV ] Oh, yeah ![br]- Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
- That is a tit ! Yes ![br]- [ Moaning Continues ]
[ Woman ] Oh, you're so big !
Oh, yeah. Yeah,[br]that's right, baby.
- [ Man On TV ] Oh, doggie[br]wants to hide his bone. - [ Woman ] Yes !
Oh, yeah ![br]I'm bone smuggling, baby.
- Man, would you shut up ![br]- [ Moaning Continues ]
Hey, Jimmy.[br]Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah.[br]Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
- Kiss good night.[br]- [ Moaning Continues ]
- [ Mom ] Something wrong[br]with the reception ? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- There's-- There's this nature[br]show that I'm trying to watch. - [ Man On TV ] Take it off.
- And the birds are[br]all scrambled and I can't even-- - [ Woman On TV ] Do me ! Yes !
- [ Jimmy Groans ][br]- Baby ! Ride me like a pony !
- The thing must be broken or I[br]sat on the remote or something. - [ Moans Continue ]
- Getting ready for bed, son ?[br]- Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.
- Yeah ?[br]- No ! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.
- Illegal-- Illegal channels ?[br]- This is just bad reception, honey.
-[ Man On TV ] Oh, spank my hairy ass ![br]-What's that ?
- Ooh, baby ![br]- You know what ? Here. Just give me this, please--
- Oh, my God ![br]- And let's get this-- Ohh !
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's[br]the matter with this thing ?
[ Woman On TV ] Yes !
[ Boy ] Illegal channels ?[br]Shit !
If there's any channel that[br]should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel.
- Lifetime supply[br]of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid[br]on TV the other night ?
- No.[br]- Ariel, man. She's so hot !
- Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.[br]- She's a mermaid, dude.
[ Boy ] Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's[br]party. We got to go. It'll be great.
[ Vicky ] Why ? All that[br]happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.
Yeah.
[ Vicky ] Now, come on, Kevin.[br]Open it.
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.[br]You got in.
If you think so,[br]just open it.
- Fine.[br]- ** [ Rock ]
Hmm.
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but[br]after keeping you on the waiting list...
for the past couple of months, we've[br]decided that you are now rejected."
- Shut up ![br]- [ Both Giggling ]
- You got in.[br]- [ Squeals ] Yes ! I love you !
- -**-** [ Continuing ][br]- [ Chuckling ] Okay.
Hey, you think I should wear[br]this shirt to Stifler's party ?
[ Scoffs ] You've worn that shirt for,[br]like, three days in a row, man !
Guys.[br]She said it.
- Said what ? [ Chuckles ][br]- She said she loves me.
- Holy shit, dude ! The "L" word ?[br]- Oh, man !
Cornell's not[br]that far from "U" of "M."
Yeah, it's only,[br]like, seven hours.
Oh, and you get[br]to drive across Canada.
- Beautiful country.[br]- Whatever. It's doable.
Wh-What we should[br]do today, in band.
Instead of playing[br]our instruments regularly, we should play them backwards.
- That'll be so funny ![br]- Yeah.
-**-** [ Noodling ]
No offense, but you're talking[br]about a post-high school, long-distance relationship.
And you and Kevin[br]haven't even done it yet.
That's not why[br]we're going out.
What do you expect him to drive[br]to Cornell for ? Milk and cookies ?
We're gonna have sex[br]when he's ready and I'm ready.
It's got to be[br]completely perfect.
I want the right time, the right moment,[br]the right place--
Vicky, it's not[br]a space shuttle launch. It's sex.
- Finch.[br]- Here's the man we are looking for.
- Gentlemen.[br]- What's going on, buddy ?
- Same ol'--[br]- [ Sighs ] Finch. You got the Latin homework ?
Oh.[br][ Speaks Latin, Chuckles ]
It means, "My dog ate it."[br]It's Latin. It's a joke.
- It's a Latin joke.[br]- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino.[br]- What ?
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.[br]It's not coffee.
[ Boy ] 'Nova !
- [ Both Grunting ][br]- What's up, dude ?
You coming to the party[br]tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface ?
Uh, depends if my date[br]wants to stop by.
- I'm working on something new.[br]- I got an idea about something new.
How about you guys[br]actually locate your dicks,
remove the shrink-wrap[br]and fucking use them !
Dude, it's gonna happen.[br]She's a college chick.
[ Scoffs ] Oh, right.[br]I'll see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the no-fucking[br]section. [ Mocking Laugh ]
[ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ]
All right. I'm shooting for a[br]9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.
Breath check.
- Thank you.[br]- [ Gargling ]
[ Hacks ]
- I wish you wouldn't do that.[br]- So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight ?
This is a foolproof plan,[br]my friend.
I have a serious question[br]to ask you guys. Okay.
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian[br]chick ? She might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she would prefer...[br][ Clears Throat ]
Laid-back Jim...
or...
[ Clears Throat ][br]cool, hip Jim ?
I don't think it really matters[br]with that shirt you're wearing.
What ? Correct me if I'm wrong but[br]you're the one with the girlfriend...
and you're still[br]stranded on third base.
Hey, at least I know what[br]third base feels like, okay ?
- You're still just a batboy.[br]- Batboy. Batboy.
- [ Laughs ][br]- What are you talking about ?
Guys, uh--
What exactly does[br]third base feel like ?
You wanna[br]take this one ?
- Like warm apple pie.[br]- Yeah ? - Yeah.
- Apple pie, huh ?[br]- Uh-huh.
- McDonald's or homemade ?[br]- [ Scooter Engine Starts ]
Gentlemen,[br]destiny awaits.
- [ Engine Stalls ][br]- [ Boys Chuckle ]
- -**-** [ Rock ][br]- -** It's been one week since you looked at me -**
-** Cocked your head to the side[br]and said, I'm angry -**
That's number five and six[br]for the Stif-meister !
- -**-** [ Continues ][br]- Yeah.
- [ Gasps ][br]- Oops !
- Holy ![br]- H-Hey !
Nadia ! Buenos dias.[br]Glad you could make it.
- I'll be back for you later.[br]- [ Door Bell Chimes ]
- -**-** [ Snapping Fingers ][br]- -**-** [ Continues ]
- Another party sultan ![br]- How ya doing ?
Welcome to Stifler's[br]Palace of Love, fellas.
- The keg's back there ! Enjoy ![br]- Yeah.
Vicky, Jessica ! Great to see you.[br]Glad you could make it.
Haha, bitches !
- Sherman ![br]- Hey !
What the fuck[br]are you doing here ?
Fellas ![br]What's going on ?
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh,[br]scoping the babes.
- Indeed ! Some fine ladies here, boys.[br]- Uh-huh.
Confidence is high.[br]Repeat. Confidence is high.
Sherman is moving[br]to DEFCON 2.
- Full strategic arsenal[br]ready for deployment. - Hey !
You have something[br]going tonight, Sherman ?
You see that[br]Central chick, Bernette ?
- Um, no.[br]- No.
She's around.[br]Seems she's taken a liking to me.
Fellas, it's time[br]she experienced... the Shermanator.
Yeah, okay,[br]Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot[br]sent back through time...
to change the future[br]for one lucky lady.
- Go get 'em, tiger.[br]- [ Imitates Schwarzenegger ] I'll be back !
- Hopeless.[br]- Completely.
- Hi.[br]- Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit.[br]Guys-- Guys--
There's Nadia and[br]she just looked at me.
- She just looked at me.[br]- Well, why don't you go talk to her ?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Kev.[br]I should just go talk to her.
- [ Laughing ][br]- [ Indistinct ]
Yeah,[br]I could do that. Sure.
Sure.[br][ Clears Throat ]
Kev ? Kev ? Ke--
- [ Clattering ][br]- [ Groan ]
Yeah. Yeah.[br][ Indistinct ]
-** At last -**
-** My love -**
-** Has come along -**
-** My lonely days -**
- -** Are over -**[br]- [ Laughs ] That's great !
-** And life[br]is like a song -**
-** Oh, yeah, yeah -**
-** At last -**
See ya later.
-** The stars above -**-**
- -**-** [ Rock ][br]- [ Doorbell Chimes ]
- -**-** [ Blaring ][br]- We're here for the party.
What party ?[br]There's no party. [ Chuckles ]
[ Slurred, Indistinct ]
Weird.[br]Try the house down the street.
[ Oz ] So, what's your major ?
[ Girl ] Post-modern feminist thought.
Oh, cool.[br]Great night, isn't it ?
Sure.
Yeah, it's just something about the[br]springtime that's just cool, you know ?
- Like the smell[br]of fresh rain or something. - Mmm.
Suck me, beautiful.
What did you just say ?
- Suck me, beautiful.[br]- [ Laughs ]
My friends call me "'Nova,"[br]as in Casanova.
That's pathetic.[br][ Laughs ]
Jeez, you don't[br]have to laugh at me.
Well, there's just some things[br]you need to learn, that's all.
- Like what ?[br]- Well, you've got to tone it down.
You don't need to come[br]to a place like Lookout Point...
and spout off[br]cheeseball lines to be romantic.
- Okay.[br]- You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.[br]Relationships are reciprocal.
Come on, Casanova.[br]I'll take you back to your friends.
[ Power Windows Hum ]
Vicky, think it's time to take[br]the next step in our relationship ?
- Tonight ?[br]- Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
I mean, it's how you've[br]always pictured it, isn't it ?
[ Boy ] Damn, my parts fucking stink !
[ Boy #2 ] Dude, you gotta take[br]a shit ! You smell like a Yeti !
Or not.
Just relax.
[ Zipper Unzips ]
You actually[br]said that ?
- [ Laughs Hysterically ][br]- Shut up !
You did a hell of a lot better[br]than I did with Nadia.
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great.[br]That's really reassuring.
Hey, no problem,[br]'Nova.
Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore.[br]I'm a-- I'm a fraud.
You guys[br]are pathetic.
I'm gonna find myself[br]a little hottie.
"Suck me, beautiful" ![br][ Mocking Laugh ]
- -**-** [ Continues ][br]- [ Heavy Breathing ]
- Let me know.[br]- Okay.
Keep going.
I should be able[br]to talk to girls.
I'm articulate.
You know, I got a 720[br]on my S.A.T. verbal.
Bullshit.[br]There's no way.
I kid you not, man.[br]Look. Listen.
- Copious. Verisimilitude.[br]- Mmm.
[ Moaning ][br]Oh, ohh. Now.
Ohh.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
[ Fizzing ]
Suck me,[br]beautiful !
- Damn it, Stifler.[br]- Checkout time !
- Please, vacate the room.[br]- You are such a jerk.
God, I can't believe how many[br]cool people are at this party.
Yup.[br][ Chuckles, Snaps Fingers ]
And you got[br]a keg too !
- Wow ![br]- Indeed.
Oh, wait.[br]I left my beer downstairs.
No. No.[br]Here, babe !
[ Giggles ][br]Thanks.
You're really[br]beautiful. Oh--
- Really ?[br]- [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah.
[ Both Giggle ]
[ Muffled Chuckle ]
You know what ? I don't know[br]if I want to be doing this.
- Doing what ?[br]- You know, like, if we hook up tonight,
tomorrow I'll just be some girl[br]you go telling all your friends about.
[ Incredulous Chuckle ][br]No way !
Steve, you could at least look at me[br]when you say that !
[ Sighs ][br]Look. Sarah,
I-- I wouldn't go telling[br]stories or anything about you.
I promise.[br]So, just... relax,
take it slow... and[br]let the good times roll.
- Okay.[br]- All right.
[ Gulps, Exhales ]
What's wrong ?
What's wrong ?[br]What is it ?
- Xenophobic.[br]- [ Scream ]
[ Whimpering ][br]Oh !
- Regurgitation.[br]- I know that one.
- Kevin likes it.[br]- He likes getting head.
Gee, what a total shocker.[br]What about you, Vicky ?
I mean, h-have you just[br]never had one with Kevin...
or have you never[br]had one, period ?
I've had one.
- I think.[br]- Okay.
That's a no. No wonder[br]you're not psyched about sex.
You tell me you never[br]even had one manually ?
- I've never tried it.[br]- You've never double-clicked your mouse ?
- [ Coughing, Vomiting ][br]- Ha-ha, nice !
- [ Laughing ][br]- Jesus ! Stifler, how much did you drink, man ?
Hey, Stifler ?[br]How's the pale ale ?
- Fuck you ! [ Vomits ][br]- Ooh, whoo !
- [ Kevin ] That's Stifler's mom ?[br]- [ Jim ] Yup.
Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman[br]like this produced a guy like Stifler.
- Dude, that chick's a "MILF."[br]- What the hell is that ?
- M-I-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck.[br]- Yeah, dude !
Oh-ho, yeah !
- [ Together ] Yeah ! MILF ! MILF ![br]- Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.
- Come here.[br]- Sherman, what's going on ?
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas[br]could try a little tact ?
I got company,[br]if you know what I mean ?
She's hot !
[ Door Slams ]
If Sherman has sex before I do,[br]I'm gonna be really pissed.
Sherman ? [ Chuckles ][br]The Shermanator ?
- [ Both Laugh ][br]- Come on, man.
[ Together ][br]MILF ! MILF !
MILF ! MILF ! Dude, hey, dude.[br]What are you doing to her, dude ?
Oh, my God,[br]bro, dude.
- [ Chuckles ][br]- Enough of this blow job bullshit.
- I gotta get laid already.[br]- [ Vicky ] That's nice. Really, really nice.
- Can I have a ride ?[br]- Sure.
- [ Kevin ] Vicky, wait.[br]- Not for you.
Yeti ![br]I am the Yeti !
- [ Finch ] Good morning, gentlemen.[br]- Finch.
Where were you last night, huh ?[br]What happened to that foolproof plan of yours ?
Well, I was going for a fashionably-late[br]entrance and I was too late.
So,[br]no ladies left.
[ Sherman ] It was a very[br]special night, very special.
- [ Girl Giggling ][br]- Guys. Guys.
- I'll never forget this.[br]- Oh, I'll never forget it, either.
- [ Sherman ] Thank you.[br]- Uhh.
- [ Girl ] Well, bye.[br]- Bye.
Bye.
[ Door Closes ]
Fellas, say good-bye[br]to Chuck Sherman, the boy.
I... am now a man.
I highly recommend[br]you join the club.
We were doing the wild thing...[br]all night. I'm exhausted.
I don't get it. I mean,[br]how the hell did you do that ?
It was just my time.[br]It was just my time.
Best of luck[br]to you boys.
- I cannot believe this.[br]- Come on, guys.
You know, we should[br]be happy for Sherman.
[ Sighs ][br]No, we shouldn't be.
You know, I put in months[br]of quality time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick[br]for one night and scores.
- This is just wrong.[br]- No shit.
How the hell am I supposed[br]to become Mr. Sensitive Man ?
You know, we're all gonna go to college[br]as virgins. You realize this, right ?
I mean, they probably have special dorms[br]for people like us.
All right. I got an idea.[br]But it's got to stay between us.
It's really simple. We just[br]got to make an agreement.
Er, nah. It's--[br]It's more than an agreement.
- What ? A bet ?[br]- A pact.
No money involved.[br]More important than any bet.
Here's the deal.[br]We all get laid before we graduate.
Dude, it's not like I haven't[br]been trying to get laid.
Think about when you work out, Oz.[br]You gotta have someone there, right ?
Someone to spot you.[br]Someone to keep you motivated.
Well, that's exactly what[br]we can do for each other.
I mean, we'll be there[br]to keep each other on track.
Separately, we are flawed[br]and vulnerable, but together,
we are the masters[br]of our sexual destiny.
Their tiger-style[br]kung fu is strong.
But our dragon-style[br]will defeat it.
- Guys ![br]- The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite !
- Fight, and find out who is number one.[br]- Guys !
Come on. You're ruining my moment here.[br]This is our very manhood at stake.
We must make[br]a stand, here and now.
No longer will our penises[br]remain flaccid and unused !
We will fight for every man out there[br]who isn't getting laid and should be.
This is our day.[br]This is our time.
And, by God, we will not stand by and[br]watch history condemn us into celibacy.
- Amen. Yes.[br]- I like that.
-We will make a stand. We will succeed.[br]-'Bout time !
- We will get laid ![br]- Yeah ! - Yeah !
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
Now, the sex: It's got[br]to be valid, consensual sex.
- No prostitutes.[br]That's what you're thinking, Finch. - [ Sucking Air ]
[ Laughs ][br]Busted.
So, basically,[br]prom is our last chance.
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks.[br]- I know,
but you gotta think[br]about it this way.
I mean, all the parties afterwards ?[br]The chicks are going to want to do it.
- Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's,[br]like tradition or something. - The Rose Bowl.
- So, that gives us--[br]- Exactly three weeks to the day.
- We're gonna do this.[br]- All right, to the next step ! - Next step !
[ Together ] Next step ![br][ Whooping ]
-** I have visions I was in them[br]I was looking into the mirror -**
-** To see a little bit clearer -**
-** The rottenness[br]and evil in me -**
-** Fingertips have memories I can't[br]forget the curves of your body -**
-** And when I feel[br]a bit naughty -**
-** I run it up[br]the flagpole and see -**
-** Who salutes[br]but no one ever does -**
-** I'm not sick[br]but I'm not well -**
-** And I'm so hot -**
-** 'Cause I'm in hell -**
-** Been around the world and found[br]that only stupid people are breeding -**
-** The cretins[br]cloning and feeding -**
- Well, did you get the flowers ?[br]- -** And I don't even own a TV -**
-** Hear the voices in my head[br]I swear to God -**
-** It sounds like[br]they're snoring -**
-** But if you're poor[br]and you're boring -**
-** The agony and the irony -**
-** They're killing me -**[br]Whoa !
-** I'm not sick[br]but I'm not well -**
-** And I'm so hot -**
-** 'Cause I'm in hell -**-**
Don't worry. You'll[br]get her back soon enough.
- You think so ?[br]- Sure, she likes you.
- Well, I like her too.[br]- Do you love her ?
Um, you know what ?[br]You can't really ask me that.
Well, if you want to get[br]her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her.
- That's how I was duped.[br]- Look, Jessica,
I-I don't want[br]to dupe her.
All right.[br]What you need to do...
is learn how to press[br]a girl's buttons.
You have to give her[br]what she's never had.
- What's that ?[br]- Let me give you a hint.
[ Orgasmic Moans ][br]Ohh, Kev ! Uhh. Yeah.
- ? Comprende ?[br]- You mean an orgasm.
- You got it, stud ![br]- Well, you know,
I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've...[br]given her a--
- No, you haven't.[br]- Well, there was one time--
- No.[br]- Oh, man.
- Look, kid, it's up to you.[br]The big "L" or the big "O." - Dickhead !
- You gotta see this.[br]- [ Vocal Group ] -** Do you believe in -**
- -** Magic in a young girl's heart -**[br]- -** Ooh, ooh -**
-** How the music can free her[br]whenever it starts -**
-** And it's magic[br]if the music is groovy -**
- -** It makes you feel happy -**[br]- What did you cocks do to him ?
- -** I'll tell you about the magic[br]It'll free your soul -** - -** Ooh, ooh, ooh -**
-** But it's like trying to tell[br]a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll -**-**
Great.[br]See you next time.
- Hey, guys.[br]Came to watch me in action ? - Yeah.
- I-I think you sounded pretty good.[br]- Yeah, man.
I think you need[br]your balls reattached.
- Hey, keep it down, dude.[br]- What the fuck are you doing here ?
This place[br]is an untapped resource.
I mean,[br]check it out.
- These vocal jazz girls are hot.[br]- Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late ?
- Maybe he's preparing for[br]another senior year at East ? - [ Chuckles ]
You guys,[br]we don't even know him.
You dipshit !
You're expecting[br]to score with some...
goody-goody[br]choirgirl priss ?
These chicks don't know me. I can work[br]the sensitive angle here, fellas !
You know, it's just like[br]that college chick told me.
All that you gotta do[br]is just ask 'em questions...
and listen to what[br]they have to say and shit.
I don't know, man.[br]That sounds like a lot of work !
- [ Knocking ][br]- Uh, just a second !
Come in. Come in.
Oh, Jim, you're here.
Uh, I was just walking[br]by your room and uh--
And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy,[br]it's been a long time since we've had...
a little[br]father-son, uh-uh, chat."
Oh ! I almost forgot.[br]I, uh, I bought some magazines.
Do you just want to flip[br]to the center section ?
Well, this is the--[br]this is the, uh, female form.
And they have[br]focused on the breasts,
uh, which are used primarily[br]to, uh, feed young infants...
- and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay.[br]- Right. [ Clears Throat ]
This is, uh--[br]This is Hustler.
And this is a much[br]more exotic magazine.
Now, they have decided to focus[br]on the, uh, pubic region--
- Right. Uh-huh.[br]- The whole groin area.
Look at the expression on her face.[br]You see that ? See what's she's doing ?
She's kind of looking[br]right into your eyes saying,
"Hey, big boy.[br]Hey, how ya doing ?"
- You see ?[br]- Right.
Shaved is a magazine[br]I'm not too familiar with,
- but, again,[br]if you flip to the center... - [ Sighs ]
[ Clears Throat ][br]section--
Well, you see the detail that, uh,[br]that they go into in this picture here.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.[br]- It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...
- underwater... thing.[br]- Yeah. Yes.
- Do you know what a clitoris is ?[br]- Oh, my God.
- Well, don't say, "Oh--"[br]- Yes, I know what a clitoris is.
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do.[br]I forgot you've been there and back.
- You know everything--[br]- I've learned about it in Sex Ed--
- I really don't need you[br]to talk about clitoris. - I'm trying to make this painless--
- You know what ?[br]I'm sorry. Okay ? I'm sorry. - No-no-no.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.[br]- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't[br]have got hot there.
Well, you know what[br]I'm going to do, Jim.
I'm going to just[br]leave these books here...
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh--[br]at your leisure.
Wait ![br][ Groans ]
Well, safer[br]than a tube sock.
[ Sighs ]
- Okay, that-- That was good.[br]- Yeah.
- See you at dinner.[br]- Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.
So, Finch,[br]this is your plan ?
You know, I don't think girls are[br]into the whole mini-golf thing.
Kevin, I'm sure[br]that they're not.
Actually, there is one small matter that[br]I need to ask for your cooperation in.
- In the spirit of this[br]whole pact, you know ? - Sure, what do you need ?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.[br]And tell all the boys the same thing.
Look, I gotta go.[br]Sixteen minutes round-trip.
You know, Finch,[br]it's-- it's senior year.
I mean, don't you think it's time you[br]learned how to take a dump at school ?
When was the last time you looked[br]at the facilities in this school ?
[ Murmuring ]
- [ Grunts ][br]- Excuse me.
Uh, that's[br]Paul Finch, right ?
- Yeah.[br]- Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right ?
- Uh, yeah.[br]- So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true ?
You know,[br]that he's... equipped.
I have no idea. Finch showers[br]with his bathing suit on.
I mean, uh--
As a matter of fact, it is true.[br]The guy's huge !
- Does he have a date for the prom yet ?[br]- No, definitely not.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, man !
So I was thinking maybe you could[br]give me some advice, brother to brother.
I thought you might know a trick[br]or something to make her--
- Orgasm ?[br]- Yeah. - What's good here ?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll.[br]- What ?
- How do you do that ?[br]- Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.
Is that all that you're interested in,[br]trying to get your girl into bed ?
No, it'd be good to be able[br]to, you know, return the favor.
Be nice to know she enjoys[br]things as much as I do.
See that ? That's good. That's what[br]I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.
- Qualify for what ?[br]- My man, you've just inherited the Bible.
It originally started[br]as a sex manual,
this book that some guys[br]brought back from Amsterdam.
And each year it got passed on to one[br]East student who was worthy.
Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff[br]that guys have added over the years.
But you have to keep it a secret[br]and return it at the end of the year.
All right.[br]So now you know. Good luck.
- -** If you believe in magic -**[br]- -** Ooh, magic -**
-** Don't you bother to choose if it's[br]jug band music or rhythm and blues -**
-** Just go and listen[br]It will start with a smile -**
-** That won't wipe off your face[br]no matter how hard you try -**
-** Your feet start tapping and you can't[br]seem to find how you got there -**
-** Do you believe in magic -**-**
-** Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo-scooby-dooby[br]dooby-dooby doo bah -**
-** Yeah, magic -**-**
What was that ?
- Uh, sorry.[br]- No, it was good.
Well, it, uh--[br]It came from the heart.
Well, keep it coming.[br]All right, people, good work !
Now, don't forget. The state[br]competition's a couple of weeks away,
so keep on it, okay ?
Not bad, Chris.
Really ?
Thanks, uh,[br]Heather, right ?
Yeah.[br][ Chuckles ]
So, you've got this sort of[br]Frank Sinatra thing going on.
[ Chuckles ] Right. I feel like I've[br]discovered this whole new side of me.
I mean, uh,[br]music is so expressive.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.[br]I mean, I agree, but...
aren't you supposed to be out,[br]like, trying to decapitate someone...
-with your lacrosse stick or something ?[br]-Oh, sure. Sure.
You know, I know what[br]people think. It's like,
"Oz, he's just this[br]kick-ass lacrosse player."
You know, I also play football,[br]by the way, but that's, like,
- that's not all that I am, you know ?[br]- Of course, I didn't--
I mean, it really bothers me when[br]people try to pigeonhole me like that.
You ?
You think[br]I don't get that ?
God, it's like just because I don't[br]get drunk and barf every weekend...
that people say, "Oh, look. There's[br]this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss."
Yeah. So, like,[br]what else do you do ?
Well,[br]the same things you do,
Like hang out[br]with friends and stuff.
- Why ? What do you think I do ?[br]- Oh, I--
I just realized that I don't[br]know anything about you.
- I was interested.[br]- Oh, well, what do you want to know ?
You know,[br]stuff... about you.
All right.
Mom, I'm home !
[ Chattering ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ][br]Oh, yeah. Oh !
[ Gasps ]
- Jim ![br]- It's not what it looks like.
Well, we'll just tell your[br]mother that, uh-- that, uh--
we ate it all.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Spectators Clamoring ][br]- [ Grunts ]
- [ Whistle Blows ][br]- [ Cheering ]
[ P.A. Announcer ][br]Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.
- Nice game.[br]- Nice game. Good game.
Hey, what are[br]you doing here ?
Just enjoying my first exhilarating[br]lacrosse experience.
- You kicked butt.[br]- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Chris--[br]- Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to ?[br]- You can call me Ostreicher.
- What's your middle name ?[br]- Nah, forget it.
- Come on. I won't tell anyone.[br]- Well, neither will I.
Okay. Um.
So, I had this thought and--
It may seem like[br]it's way out of left field.
I don't know if you can,[br]but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--
Those guys sucked ass !
Choir chick, what the hell[br]are you doing here ?
Well, uh, I was[br]asking Chris to prom.
So, do you[br]want to go ?
Oh, yeah ![br]That would be great.
Well, just don't[br]expect Oz to pay for the limo !
Stifler, fuck ![br]I mean--
Why do you got to be so[br]insensitive all the time ?
What ?
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget.[br]My cottage after prom.
On Lake Michigan.[br][ Chuckles ]
Hey, wait up, you pussies.[br]Where you going ?
Ah, well, I gotta--[br]I gotta hit the showers now,
but I think this is gonna[br]be really, really good.
- Yeah. Me too.[br]- All right.
- Bye.[br]- Bye. Bye.
- 'Appending Oz ![br]- Working with the choir chick ?
What d'ya say, fellas ? I just dig[br]those cute little sweaters she wears.
- [ Laughing ][br]- Nuts you do, you little horn dog.
Yeah ![br]Yeah, baby !
[ Stifler ] Spank me ! Spank me ![br]Hit that high "C."
[ Falsetto ][br]-** Ahhhh -**
[ Whooping, Laughing ]
Come on ![br]What's going on here ?
[ Laughing, Shouting Continue ]
I was being selfish[br]and majorly insensitive.
I'm a-- I'm a total idiot.[br]I mean, a fool, a buffoon.
I think shithead[br]really says it.
You know what ? You're right.[br]I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah ? How ?
- [ Moaning ] Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh ![br]- -** Don't make me -**
- -** Over -**[br]- Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.
- Kevin, don't stop ![br]- Just a second.
-** I'm rocking steady -**
-** In demonology -**
-** Hey so that you could make it -**
[ Moans ]
- -** You're really making it -**-**[br]- Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper ?
- [ Screams ] Holy shit ![br]- Shh. You know there's no lock on your door ?
- -**-** [ Humming ][br]- [ Moaning ]
-**-** [ Continues ]
Ohh ! I'm coming ![br]I'm coming !
-**-** [ Humming ]
- Oh, Jim ![br]- Dad.
Hi, I was just looking[br]at the old family portrait out here.
Well, that was[br]a fun day wasn't it ?
- Oh, yeah.[br]- Yeah.
Jim, I want to talk[br]about masturbation.
Now, I just want you to know that[br]it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing.
And I have[br]to admit, uh, you know.
I did a fair bit of masturbating[br]when I was a little younger.
- I, uh-- I used to call it[br]"stroking the salami." - [ Groans ]
Yeah, you know,[br]"pounding the ol' pud."
I never did it[br]with baked goods.
But you know your Uncle Mort ?[br]He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.
See, it's like, uh,[br]practice for the big game.
You see ?[br]It's like-- It's like...
banging a tennis ball[br]against a brick wall.
Which can be fun.[br]It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Right. No.[br]- It's not a game.
What you want is you want[br]a partner to return the ball.
- Do you want a partner ?[br]- Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do want a partner ?[br]- Oh, I want a partner.
- Want a partner. Good. Good.[br]- Of course.
Good.
So, once Hal becomes king,[br]he has to take on...
the responsibilities of leadership[br]and turn his back...
on his old,[br]drunken friend, Falstaff.
You see, Hal is going through a...[br]rite of passage, much like you all are.
So make most of the time you've got[br]left together. You'll miss it later.
- [ Teacher Continues ][br]- So, does your tongue cramp up ?
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.[br]- Wow.
That's amazing. She's probably[br]gonna want to do it soon.
- [ Bell Rings ][br]- All right. Class dismissed.
Still questing after the Holy Grail,[br]huh, guys ?
Hey, uh,[br]where's Finch ?
- Oh, he went home to take a shit.[br]- [ Chuckles ]
I don't get it.[br]I just don't.
How does a guy like that[br]get this sudden reputation ?
- What reputation ?[br]- Observe.
Ex-Excuse me.[br]Do you know who Paul Finch is ?
Yeah ! He's the guy[br]with the tattoo, right ?
- You know, the eagle and the[br]blazing fire and that stuff. - [ Chuckles ]
Well, um, if you guys see him later,[br]will you tell him Courtney says hi ?
Bye.
- [ Scoffs ][br]- Okay. Explain.
I can't. I don't[br]know how he's doing it.
I, uh-- I guess that[br]just leaves Jim trailing.
- Aw, Jimbo ![br]- Better sack up, buddy !
Yeah, I know.[br]I'm working on it, all right ?
James ?
You are very good[br]in the world history class, yes ?
- Me ? Y-Yes. No, uh--[br]- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Yes, I am.[br]- Perhaps you could help me with my studies.
Uh, yeah. Absolutely.
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be--[br]That would be great sometime.
- How about tomorrow ?[br]- Well, I have ballet practice.
Perhaps I could come[br]by your house afterwards ?
I could change[br]clothes at your place.
Oh. Uh... yeah.
I suppose that[br]would be okay. Sure.
- [ Engine Off ][br]- Nice car !
- I'm glad you think so.[br]- You don't like it ?
No, I like the car.[br]By the way, though, about prom ?
That was a bad idea.[br]I'm sorry I invited you.
- What are you talking about ?[br]- Please.
I asked you because I thought you might[br]actually be worth going with.
But you are just a jock.[br]No, wait. You're a jerk.
Wait ![br]I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me[br]with your lacrosse buddies.
Heather, I wasn't[br]making fun of you.
Gimme a break.[br]You're so full of it.
Fuck me ! There's gonna be an Eastern[br]European chick naked in your house.
And you're not gonna[br]do anything about that ?
What am I gonna do, huh ?[br]Broadcast her over the Internet ?
- Yeah.[br]- You can do that ?
[ Scoffs ][br]No. I cannot do that to her.
Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you don't have the guts[br]to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sleep with one ?
I don't like the kid,[br]but he's got a point.
See, even shit-brick[br]knows you should do it.
All you gotta do is set up some sort of[br]private link or whatever on the 'Net...
and tell me the address.
You can send me[br]the address too.
I'll save[br]you a seat.
-** How sweet it is[br]to be loved by you, by you -**
- -** I needed the shelter[br]of someone's arms -** - -** Someone's arms -**
- -** There you were -**[br]- -** You were, oh -**
-** I needed someone[br]who understands my ups and downs -**
-** There you were -**-**
Okay, that was good, but[br]I want to thicken-up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday,[br]and I want that part to smoke.
Yeah, I know,[br]my timing's off.
No, it's not that. I think it'll[br]work better as a duet with a tenor part.
I'll do it.
- [ Whispers ] Dick.[br]- I'll do it.
Great.[br]See you tomorrow.
Hmph.
- Why are you doing this ?[br]- 'Cause I want to.
Yeah ? Well,[br]you can't fake this.
You better practice.
[ Beeping ]
- [ Knocking ][br]- Come in.
Jim ? There's a, uh--[br]a young lady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia.[br]- Hi, James. Ready to study ?
Oh, he's always ready to study.[br]He's a real bookworm, this kid.
- Dad.[br]- That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--
- Dad ![br]- Well, I'll-- I'll let you two hit the books.
You want a beer ?
- [ Kevin ] Oh, there we go.[br]- [ Little Boy ] Come on, move !
Steve ! It's my computer ![br]And I wanna use it !
Shut up !
Oh, you need to--[br]You need to change, right ?
- Uhh, do you mind ?[br]- No. N-No, not at all.
Uh, please, you know.[br]Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.
[ Clears Throat ] I'll, uh-- I'll[br]go downstairs and start studying up.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.[br]- Okay.
- [ Finch ] Oh--[br]- [ Kevin ] All right, there he goes.
Now,[br]we're in business.
-** [ Rock ]
- Back in a sec.[br]- Jimmy, honey, wh--
-**-** [ Continues ]
-** He pauses shaving and he tells himself[br]that he is the bomb -**
-** She has her curlers set, her credit[br]cards are paying the funds -**
- -** He's not that old I've been told -**-**[br]- Ah, here she is.
- Did I miss anything ?[br]- No. You are just in time.
- [ Boys Groaning ] Oh. Ohh ![br]- [ Kevin ] This is incredible.
Oh, my God ![br]This is too much.
[ Finch ] Oh, did you see ?[br]Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.
God bless[br]the Internet.
- [ Jim ] Ai-yi-yi.[br]- Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God.[br]- [ Together ] Ohhh !
Oh, thank you, God,[br]for this wonderful, wonderful day.
- She takes her vitamins.[br]- -** And it is way too unhealthy -**
-** Often they've typically -**-**
- [ Sighs ][br]- Stop hyper ventilating.
-**-** [ Continues Indistinct ]
This is, like,[br]the coolest thing I've ever seen.
- I know.[br]- [ Both Snicker ]
Can you believe-- This is definitely[br]one of Stifler's best ideas ever.
[ Jim ] What is she--[br]She's touching my stuff.
- Why is she touching my stuff ?[br]- [ Finch ] Man, let her touch.
- She's going through my stuff ![br]- Nadia can touch anything she wants.
- Oh.[br]- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no.[br]- Oh, nice collection there, Jim.
She's gonna leave.[br]She's definitely gonna--
She's getting comfortable.[br]She's not gonna leave.
[ Finch ] She reads[br]the articles.
[ Boys Moaning ]
Is she ?
She's going downstairs.
[ Moaning ]
- Oh, my God ![br]- Jackpot, baby !
- Can you believe this ?[br]- Nadia, I would have never known.
I have an announcement[br]that I would like to make.
There is a gorgeous woman...[br]masturbating on my bed !
- [ Finch ] Thank you, Nadia ![br]- If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
- [ Scoffs ] What am I[br]supposed to do, Kev ? - Seduce her.
Wha-- What the hell[br]would I say ?
Go over there and ask her[br]if she needs an extra hand.
- That's stupid, Kev. I can't--[br]- That's not stupid ! You're stupid if you don't go !
Come on ![br]Get over there !
- Get going, man. She's prime.[br]- Get out of here !
- She's waiting for you.[br]- Okay, all right. I'm going.
- Go ![br]- Go ! - I'm going !
- Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ![br]- Oh, shit.
-**-** [ Rock ]
-** She's open[br]waiting for more -**
-** And I know he's only[br]looking to score -**
-** And it's way too unhealthy -**
- -** Often they've typically -**[br]- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
-** Been starved[br]for attention before -**-**
[ Exhales Sharply ]
Oh, boy. Oh, God.[br]Oh, crap. Oh, no.
- [ Phone Rings ][br]- Hello ?
- Looks like Jim addressed[br]the e-mail wrong. - What ?
It went out to every mailbox[br]in the East High directory.
God, how juvenile.
- -**-** [ Rock ][br]- Hey, hey, hey, guys !
- -** Baby -**[br]- Check this out ! Oh, my God ! Wow !
Oh.[br][ Laughs ]
Please, God,[br]let this be it.
Please ?
- [ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ][br]- [ Nadia Moaning, Panting ]
- S-Somebody's going in there.[br]- [ Whimpering, Moaning ]
Here you go.[br]That's what you need to do.
- That guy's in my trig class.[br]- Oh, no.
-Looks like you could use an extra hand.[br]-Jim !
- Well-- Oh, God.[br]- Shame on you.
Yeah, shame on me.[br]I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go.[br]- Well,
you have seen me.
Now, it's[br]my turn to see you.
Strip !
- Strip ?[br]- Slowly.
Uh, you mean,[br]like, strip strip ?
For me.
[ Finch ] What is he[br]talking to her about ?
- Uh, no idea.[br]- Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.
- [ Tuning Radio ][br]- -**-** [ Techno ]
Perfect !
- Move, James ! Move ![br]- Yeah, yeah. Move.
-**-** [ Continues ]
- Go, trig boy ! It's yer birthday ![br]- [ Chittering ]
- No ! No. No.[br]- Please, God.
- [ Disappointed Muttering ][br]- What's going on ?
- Yes ![br]- All right. Get in the mix !
- See there.[br]- Oh, okay.
- This is disgusting.[br]- What the fuck is this ?
Cut it out, man !
Yeah.
- [ Laughing ][br]- [ Laughing ]
Freak.
Did not just[br]take out that chair.
- Yup, he took out the chair.[br]- More, more, you bad boy !
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty,[br]baby. Hyah ! [ Slapping ]
- [ Groans ] Ohh, God ![br]- [ Chitters, Slaps ]
-** Calling your name -**
- -** Calling your name -**[br]- Now,
come to me.
Oh, yeah.
- Here we go.[br]- He's in, man.
- -** Calling -**[br]- This just got a hell of a lot better.
- Be gentle.[br]- Okay.
- -** Calling your name -**[br]- Uh--
- -** Calling -**[br]- Oh.
-** Your name -**-**
- [ Whimpers ][br]- Jim ?
- Oh ! Oh, no.[br]- [ Both ] Oh, no.
- [ All ] Oh. Ohh ![br]- Liftoff aborted.
- Houston, we have a problem.[br]- Oh-- Uhh--
- [ Blows Air ][br]- What happened ? What did he do
He blew it.
I guess[br]I'll be going now.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia.[br]I've, uh-- I've got reserves.
Nadia, please, please.[br]I'm begging you.
Well, I do like[br]your dirty magazines.
You do ? Okay. Well. Um.[br]Did-Did-- Did you see this one ?
This here is your-- is your more,[br]uh, exotic, risque magazine.
- He's pulling out the porn.[br]- He's desperate.
[ Finch ] Jim, just wait[br]till she leaves.
Very arousing women.[br]They arouse me-- [ Clears Throat ]
They arouse me[br]very, very much.
But, uh--[br]But not as arousing as you.
- Oh, Jim ![br]- Oh, God !
[ Coos ]
- [ Together ] Yes ![br]- [ All Exclaiming ]
He's ruining daisy ![br]Whoo !
-**-** [ Continues ]
So, uh, "shaved"[br]is the expression ?
Holy shit.
- Holy shit ![br]- [ All ] Holy shit !
- H-H-Holy shit ![br]- Touch me, Jim.
- Here.[br]- [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ][br]Oh. Oh.
- [ Together ] Again ?[br]- Not again.
- Not again, man ![br]- Is that possible ?
What a loser.
[ Bell Ringing ]
- [ Laughing ][br]- [ Boy ] Hey !
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Whooping, Taunting ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Oz ] -** I needed someone[br]to understand my ups and downs -**
-** There you were -**
-** With sweet love[br]and devotion -**
-** Deeply touching[br]my emotion -**
-** I just wanna stop[br]and thank you, baby -**-**
- Hey, minute man ![br]- Shut up.
You know-- You know you're[br]supposed to be supportive.
Hey, you think you still[br]got a chance with Nadia ?
No. Her sponsors here[br]saw the thing on the 'Net.
I-I really don't[br]think they liked it.
How do[br]you know that ?
- She's already on a plane back home.[br]- [ Groans ]
Yeah.
You know, guys ? Maybe I'm just[br]not good with girls, period.
No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I[br]was born without that part of the brain.
I mean, I can't[br]talk to girls.
And when I do talk[br]to them, I screw it up.
Yeah, well, come prom those excuses[br]aren't going to do you any good.
- [ Sighs ][br]- [ Michelle ] And one time at band camp,
we weren't supposed[br]to have pillow fights,
but we had a pillow fight,[br]and it was so much fun.
A-And this one time, we all[br]lost our music and we were supposed to play this song,
but we didn't know it, so we just made[br]it up and we kept playing and playing,
and the conductor didn't know[br]what we were doing, and it was so funny.
-So, you're pissed about something, huh.[br]-[ Scoffs ]
You know what[br]I do when I'm angry ?
I just play some Bach on my flute.[br]It's so relaxing.
- I learned to do that at band camp.[br]- Hold on, uh--
You have no idea[br]why I'm angry ?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow ?[br]Sometimes I get cranky...
- when I know I have[br]a big test to study for. - [ Laughs ]
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.[br]- I thought so...
- because this one time at band camp--[br]- W-What's your name ?
- Michelle.[br]- O-Okay.
Michelle, um--
[ Chuckles ] Do you want to be[br]my date for the prom ?
Really ? You seriously[br]want to go with me ?
Yes. Seriously.
Are we going to Steve Stifler's[br]party afterwards ? Because that would be so cool.
- Sure, whatever you want.[br]- Cool ! We're gonna have such a good time.
It'll be like this one time at band camp[br]when we all had a campfire--
[ Knocking At Door ]
[ Siren Wailing, Distant ]
Hi.
- How'd you know I was here ?[br]- Stifler told me.
- Talked to Stifler ?[br]- Well, I needed to find you.
We're gonna have[br]to work on that song.
Okay.[br]I'm glad you came by.
So you work nights ?
- My dad's the manager.[br]- Really ?
Cool. Tell him[br]the subs are great.
-So you're going to Michigan next year ?[br]-Yeah.
My parents want me to go[br]to Northwestern, but...
I don't wanna write all those[br]extra essays they make you do.
I mean, how am I supposed to[br]know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was ?
So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in[br]December, I just said the hell with it.
- Onions ?[br]- What ?
You, uh, want onions ?
Oh, no, thank you.
So what are you[br]gonna major in ?
State's got a good business[br]school, and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.
Well, you've probably got it[br]pretty figured out, then, huh ?
I mean, business is okay,[br]and lacrosse is awesome, but...
what am I gonna be,[br]a professional lacrosse player ?
I really have no idea.
Thank God.[br]I thought I was the only one.
Well, you're not.
So we're gonna be[br]close next year.
You mean East Lansing[br]and Ann Arbor ?
Yeah.[br][ Chuckling ]
[ Stifler ] What are you[br]talking about ?
I can't go to the prom with you.[br]I'm holding out for someone else.
[ Laughing ][br]You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I know it's a long shot, but I figure[br]Paul Finch might ask me.
Finch.[br]Shit-brick.
Oh, gosh.[br]I-I forgot.
[ Stammering ][br]You look okay.
I-I mean, the scars[br]healed really well.
- Hey, Stifler.[br]- Eat shit.
What was that[br]all about ?
- He's still embarrassed[br]because Finch kicked his ass. - Who told you that ?
What do you mean,[br]"no comment" ?
- Did you two hook up or something ?[br]- What, are you kidding ? No.
Then how did all this[br]get started ?
Well, I guess it's all right[br]for me to tell you now.
That reputation of his isn't[br]going anywhere. Cheese, please.
Finch comes up to me[br]and says, "Jessica,
I need your help with this,[br]blah, blah, etcetera."
So I said, "All right.[br]Pay me 200 bucks,
and I'll tell a couple of girls[br]that you're dynamite in bed."
So he did,[br]and I did.
- That actually works ?[br]- Well, duh ! Of course.
Naturally, I embellished[br]a little bit.
Did you hear that Finch had[br]an affair with an older woman ?
[ Chuckling ][br]No, I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favorite.
[ Laughing ][br]Do that cheerleader.
- -** Thank you, baby -**[br]- She wants me. She calls me up--
-** How sweet it is[br]to be loved by you -**-**
Oh, my God,[br]you're gay !
Sing it with me.[br]You know the words.
No, thanks, man. You've been[br]singing that shit all week.
If you try that at M.S.U.[br]this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.
Our last game[br]is this Saturday.
[ Snickers ][br]Yeah, well, shit.
I've got this lacrosse game. It's[br]really important. It's our last game.
Central almost beat us last time, so[br]this time I really wanna kick their ass.
But it's gonna be cool,[br]because the game's at State,
which means afterwards[br]I'll be able to stop by.
So you can't sing[br]at the competition.
[ Sighing ] Heather, I'm sorry.[br]I totally blew it.
It's okay. You should...[br]do what makes you happy.
All right. Listen,[br]thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess[br]I'll see you later ?
Mm-hmm.
[ Whistling ]
Hey, Kevin.
- You seen shit-brick lately ?[br]- Why ? What did you do to him ?
Me ? Nothing.
See, I'm the one[br]whose ass he kicked.
But, uh, I'll tell you[br]one thing, though.
I don't think he's gonna have a problem[br]shitting in school anymore.
Slipped a little something[br]into his mochaccino.
Oh, God !
Oh ! Oh !
[ Panting ]
Jesus.
Right this way,[br]sir.
Oh, God.[br][ Farting ]
[ Farting ]
- [ Girls Laughing ][br]- Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
[ Girl #2 ] You know it's just gonna be[br]some crappy band and stupid decorations.
[ Girl #1 ] You're just saying[br]that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date.
[ Girl #2 ] No, no, no.[br]I don't want a date.
- Finch is going stag and... so am I.[br]- [ Groaning ]
God, he's like so...[br]refined.
- [ Groans ][br]- You think that older woman thing is true ?
Yeah, it's true.[br]It was Stifler's mom.
[ Farting ]
- [ Continues Farting ][br]- Joanie, was that you ?
- Oh ![br]- Can't hold it.
Oh ![br][ Loud Farting ]
[ Groaning ]
Eww !
[ Groaning ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah ![br]- [ Laughter Continues ]
[ Vicky ] Kev ?[br]I think we've come...
- a really long way since homecoming.[br]- Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time...
we start to express ourselves[br]in new ways.
- Yeah.[br]- You wanna do it ?
- Yeah.[br]- I love you.
It's your turn.
That's not[br]what I was thinking.
Sex. It's always[br]about sex.
It's not[br]always about sex.
I just thought it was[br]about sex this time.
Look, Vicky, love is a term[br]that gets thrown around,
and-and people[br]don't mean it.
When I say it, I want it[br]to be more than words.
- You know ? I want it to be--[br]- Perfect.
Exactly.
- [ Choir Director ] Okay, Albert.[br]You ready ? - No problemo.
-** I close my eyes[br]at night -**
Come on, Heather.[br]Work with me here.
[ Crowd Applauding, Cheering ]
- [ Whistle Blows ][br]- [ Announcer ] Goal, Ostreicher !
- All right, Oz ![br]- Atta boy, Ozzie !
Whoo ![br]Yeah, baby !
- We're crushing you losers ![br]- Let's go, fellas !
Come on ![br]Whoo-hoo !
-** Bumblebee, bumblebee,[br]bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee -**
Focus on the music.[br]Think melody.
- Let the music be my guide.[br]- That would be a start.
Who's the man ?[br]Stifler !
[ Coach ][br]Huddle up, guys ! Huddle up !
Huddle up ![br]Come on ! Okay.
All right, all right !
- Good hustle, guys.[br]- Good hustle.
But you can still lose. You all saw[br]what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to ever see any of you[br]thinking you're gonna score.
You don't score[br]until you score.
- Until you score.[br]- That's right, baby !
[ Coach ] It all boils down[br]to today.
For you seniors,[br]this marks the culmination...
- of the past four years.[br]- Culmination.
[ Coach ] I want you to think about[br]what this means to you.
Do you guys wanna look back[br]on your days at East...
and know that you used[br]the time you had ?
- Hell, yeah ![br]- You do !
- Ah ! Good attitude, Ostreicher.[br]- Good luck, fellas.
Christ, I didn't tell ya[br]to leave the game.
I'm sorry, Coach.
You got someplace more important[br]to be, Ostreicher ?
Yeah.
Ostreicher !
Oz ?[br]Fuckface ?
[ Coach ] Ostreicher !
- Hey, Oz ![br]- Ozmeister !
- [ Albert ] Oh, great.[br]- What about the game ?
- I'm not playing.[br]- You're missing the game for us ?
No, I'm missing the game[br]for you.
- D-Does this mean I'm not[br]gonna get to do the duet ? - Albert, you suck.
I don't think[br]he's coming back.
[ Heather ] -** Close my eyes at night -**
- -** Close my eyes -**[br]- -** Wondering where would I be without you in my life -**
- -** Oh -**[br]- -** Everything I did was just a bore -**
- -** Just a bore -**[br]- -** Everywhere I went seems I been there before -**
[ Together ] -** But you brighten up[br]for me all of my days -**
- -** With a love so sweet -**[br]- -** In so many ways -**
-** I just wanna stop -**
- -** And thank you, baby -**[br]- [ All ] -** I just wanna stop -**
- -** And thank you, baby -**[br]- -** Thank you, baby -**
-** How sweet it is[br]to be loved by you -**-**
[ Audience Applauding ]
Yeah, Oz ![br]You fucking rule !
- Fucking rule ![br]- Yeah !
[ Vicky ] Maybe the words[br]aren't that important.
It's like, I know he[br]really cares about me, you know ?
Even if he can't[br]say it, he does.
And yeah, he always talks about sex, but[br]that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right ?
- He's got a dick. He's a guy.[br]- Right.
Wait. Is this[br]translation right ?
"Go home, bird teacher.[br]I've had enough."
I don't know.[br]I got it from Kevin.
- So, does it hurt ?[br]- What ?
You know-- sex.[br]Does it hurt ?
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it,[br]you know, it hurts.
But then you, you do it again[br]and again and again--
It just starts to feel good.[br]Really good.
Okay, so say[br]I don't do it.
And then I go off to college. I might[br]end up doing it with some random guy...
- who totally turns out to be a jerk.[br]- This is true.
And I'll wish I would've[br]done it with Kevin.
So go do it with Kevin.
- You think ?[br]- Yeah. You're-- You're ready.
- You're woman. Look at you.[br]You're ready for sex. - You're right.
- I know.[br]- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
- Now.[br]- And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.
- Perfect sex.[br]- Thanks, Jessica.
Please.
[ Whispering ][br]Kevin.
Kevin.
- [ Whispering ] I wanna have sex.[br]- [ Loud ] Now ?
Prom.
-** As you walk up those steps[br]and garner your award -**
-** Try not to forget about me -**
-** 'Cause I was there when you[br]had no one else to hold -**
-** You used to look[br]just like a saint -**
-** And stumble into walls -**
-** You're a guy's[br]very own quarantine -**
-** You used to never[br]think you'd ever grow old -**-**
[ Jim's Dad ] You must be excited[br]about the big night tonight.
Thrilled.
Who's the lucky girl ?
Michelle.
- Michelle.[br]- Yeah.
- She must be very special.[br]- Oh, she's special, all right.
I'm sure she is special if you[br]picked her out of the whole bunch.
[ Clears Throat ] Jim, I'm just gonna[br]say one thing...
before you leave[br]tonight.
I want you to be very,[br]very careful...
when you're[br]putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me.[br]- I promise.
-** Midnight at the oasis -**
-** Send your camel to bed -**
-** Shadows painting our faces -**
-** Traces -**
-** Of romance in our heads -**
-** Heaven's holding a half-moon -**
-** Shining just for us -**
-** Let's slip off[br]to a sand dune -**
-** Real soon -**
-** And kick up a little dust -**
-** Come on[br]Cactus is our friend -**
-** He'll point out the way -**
You know, at band camp[br]we have dances like this,
only they're way funner.
-** Till the evening ends -**-**
-** Hey, hey, hey[br]Oooh -**
[ Kevin ] All right, status check.[br]Where do you guys stand ?
Finch, we know where you are,[br]but can't really use that as an excuse.
Jim ?
Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork.[br]Does that answer your question ?
Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit[br]gonna pay off or what ?
Kevin, what's with[br]the attitude ?
Attitude ? Me ?
I think you guys should be[br]a little more enthusiastic.
This is the night[br]we've been waiting for.
We're in this together.[br]You guys can't back out.
Kev, you don't need us to get laid.[br]Are you afraid or something ?
No. Come on.[br]We made a pact.
You can't break that.[br]You guys are gonna have to--
Have to what, Kev, huh ?[br]I don't have to do shit.
Forget it already. I am so sick[br]and tired of all this bullshit pressure.
I've never even had sex, and already,[br]I can't stand it. I hate sex !
And I'm not gonna stand around here[br]busting my balls over something that,
quite frankly,[br]isn't that damn important.
I'm gonna go hang out[br]with that geek over there...
'cause at least she has something else[br]to talk about besides sex.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
You know, at least I learned[br]how to shit in school, buddy.
Hey, Finch.
- Wanna dance ?[br]- Yeah.
-** Oooh -**
- How come you have no date ?[br]- I like to keep my options open.
I got something for you.
Consider it[br]a consolation prize.
Jessica, this is great ![br]Wow !
- Felt sorta guilty
No, I spent 50 on the flask,[br]150 on the earrings.
- These are, uh--[br]- Let me just clarify...
- that you have no chance[br]of scoring with me, Finch. - Of course not !
So I take it you and Sherman[br]are pretty close, huh ?
You met at that party[br]a while back, right ?
Yeah, we were[br]up all night together.
We had one of those[br]amazingly deep conversations...
where you feel like[br]you really get to know someone.
[ Chuckling ][br]Deep conversation, huh ?
Is that[br]what you call it ?
What else[br]would I call it ?
Thank you, Great Falls.
We're gonna take a little break.[br]You are beautiful.
[ Boy ] You suck !
[ Microphone Feedback ]
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just thought[br]you all should know this.
Chuck Sherman is a liar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone.[br]I know this because he told me.
Once he tried to screw[br]a grapefruit, but that's all.
Oh. He also told me that when he gets[br]nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.
- Thank you for your time.[br]- [ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Jim Clears Throat ]
- [ Jim ] Guess what ?[br]- Not interested.
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus[br]to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.
- I'm not going.[br]- [ Jim ] What ?
Why not ?
Look, things didn't really[br]turn out how I wanted them to.
I mean, I don't even[br]know what I'm doing.
I-I'm acting like I've got[br]everything together tonight.
I know that Vicky's gonna[br]ask me if I love her, and...
I don't know[br]what I'm gonna say.
I mean,[br]I'm on the brink.
I'm just about to do it.[br]I should be psyched.
I don't know. Maybe you're right.[br]Maybe I am just scared.
[ Scoffs ] Come on, Kev.[br]Tonight is the night.
We-We are finally going[br]to a post-prom party on the lake.
We have been waiting for this[br]for four years.
Why else have we been friends[br]with Stifler all this time, right ?
We were friends[br]with Stifler ?
Hey, look.
Sherman didn't even[br]get laid.
- He didn't ?[br]- No, he pissed himself.
- [ Laughing ][br]- What ?
We'll tell you[br]on the bus.
I'm gonna go inside[br]and grab my bag.
My date too, perhaps ?
[ Jim ] Stifler's mom[br]got it in the divorce.
[ Michelle ] That reminds me[br]of this one time--
Hey, can I ask you[br]a question ?
How come you don't have any stories ?[br]I've got lots of them,
and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories.[br]Believe me. They're just, uh--
They're just a little[br]more risque than tales of band camp.
Are they gross or something ?[br]Like guy stuff ? Tell me !
Okay.[br]You want a story ?
Here's a story.[br]Stifler finds this beer--
- [ Kevin ] This is[br]the nicest room in the house. - Kev, it's perfect.
- [ Vicky Screams ][br]- You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya ?
Fuckers ![br]Fuckers, fuckers !
Fuckers,[br]fuckers, fuckers !
- Out.[br]- Aw, come on !
- Get out.[br]- Aw, man !
- [ Laughing ][br]- [ Laughing ]
There's something[br]I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.
What's that ?
It's gonna sound[br]really bad, but, uh,
I want you to know.
You see, uh,
I'm a virgin,[br]and, uh--
Well, me, Kevin, Jim[br]and Finch were--
We all made this pact...
that we would[br]lose our virginity...
before high school[br]was over,
and tonight is supposed[br]to be the night that we all do it.
This isn't the best way[br]to proposition me.
No, that's--[br]That's not what I mean.
W-What I mean is, uh--
Look, do you know[br]what made me leave that game ?
See, Coach, he was giving us[br]this speech about...
not slacking off when you see[br]the opportunity to score--
This isn't any better,[br]Chris.
No, you see--[br]You see, Heather,
what I realized is that...
with you, it's...[br]not like I'm running towards a goal...
Looking for[br]the best way to score.
This may sound[br]a little corny, but...
I feel like[br]I've already won.
And, uh,[br]I care about you a lot.
Oz, I know.
- You called me Oz.[br]- Well, yeah.
It's what your friends[br]call you.
I mean, I feel like I'm[br]one of your friends now.
And... your girlfriend ?
-** Ain't never thought that[br]I could love like this -**
-** This feeling inside me[br]is growing -**
-** I never thought that[br]you would care -**-**
Are ya lost ?
You're Stifler's mom.[br]Uh--
No, no, not lost.[br]Just, um,
you know,[br]taking the tour.
Hey, uh, thank you for letting[br]us have this wonderful party.
As if there was[br]an alternative in the matter.
So, you enjoying yourself ?
I'm... three sheets[br]to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy for you.
But it takes the edge off,[br]doesn't it ?
- Where's your little date tonight ?[br]- No date. It was--
It was a bathroom incident.
- Pardon me ?[br]- Never mind.
You have[br]anything to drink ?
I believe the kegs[br]are upstairs.
That is what[br]the cretins drink.
I'm talking about[br]alcohol, liquor.
- The good stuff.[br]- All right.
I got some scotch.
- Single malt ?[br]- Aged 18 years.
The way I like it.
Why don't you go[br]grab a glass from the bar ?
I think I should.
Allow me.
You know it's[br]a bitching party.
The Stif-man[br]always comes through in the clutch.
[ Jim Laughs ] And then he just[br]puked his brains out.
- That is a nasty story.[br]- Yep, I told you.
Do you want to hear[br]a nasty story of mine ?
It's sort of sexual.
Yeah ![br]Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay, well, this one time at band camp,[br]we were playing this game.
I don't know if you know it,[br]but it's called "Spin the Bottle."
And I had to kiss this guy[br]named Mark Wander on the lips.
And-And he plays[br]trombone--
[ Kevin ] So how do you[br]want to be ?
Like... how do you[br]want to do it ?
I don't know.[br]How do you ?
Like... normal style.[br]The missionary position.
Okay.
Kev ?
- Yeah ?[br]- I wanna hear you say it.
Okay.
Victoria,
I love you.
-** Don't stray -**
-** Don't ever go away -**
-** I should be[br]much too smart for this -**
-** You know it gets[br]the better of me -**
-** Sometimes[br]when you and I collide -**
- -** I fall into an ocean of you -**[br]- Oh. My hair.
-** Pull me out in time -**
- [ Gasps ][br]- -** Don't let me drown -**
-** Let me down -**
You okay ?
Yeah. Go slow.
-** Say you'll stay -**
-** Don't come and go -**
-** Like you do -**
-** Sway my way -**
-** Yeah, I need to know -**
-** All about you -**
-** Say you'll stay -**-**
So the end of the story[br]is you...
had to kiss the guy[br]for 20 seconds.
Yes ! And he was such a dork.[br]Everyone laughed at me...
- but I didn't care[br]because it was so funny. - I get it.
And this one time at band camp,[br]I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Hmm.[br][ Sputters ]
[ Coughs ][br]Excuse me ?
What ? You don't think I know[br]how to get myself off ?
Hell, that's what[br]half of band camp is-- Sex Ed.
So are we gonna screw soon,[br]'cause I'm getting kinda antsy.
This'll do. Whoo-hoo !
- [ Toy Squeaks ][br]- [ Grunts ] Ow !
Now, I have two rubbers.[br]Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
I don't want you coming[br]so damn early this time.
What makes you think[br]that I would come early ?
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net.[br]Why do you think I accepted this date ?
- You're a sure thing.[br]- [ Scoffs ]
Yes, I am.
So I said, "This is very obviously[br]a Piero della Francesca."
[ Laughing ][br]Hmm.
So, uh, would you object if I said[br]that you were quite striking ?
Mr. Finch, are you[br]trying to seduce me ?
- Yes, ma'am, I am.[br]- -** And here's to you -**
-** Mrs. Robinson -**
-** Jesus loves you more[br]than you will know -**
-** Whoa, whoa, whoa -**
-** Stand up tall, Mrs. Robinson -**
- Mmm, you're dead.[br]- -** God in heaven smiles on those who pray -**
-** Hey, hey, hey -**
- -** Hey, hey, hey -**-**[br]- [ Pool Balls Clacking ]
-** Sway my way -**
-** Yeah, I need to know -**
-** All about you -**
-** And there's no cure -**
-** And no way to be sure -**
-** Why everything's[br]turned inside out -**
-** Instilling so much doubt -**
-** It makes me so tired -**
-** I feel so uninspired -**
-** My head is battling[br]with my heart -**
-** My logic has been torn apart[br]And now -**-**
- [ Stifler's Mom ] I had[br]no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I.
[ Moaning ][br]Oh, Finchy. Finch.
- Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa ![br]- Finchy !
[ Toy Squeaks ]
- [ Toy Squeaking ][br]- Okay, let's go.
What's my name ?[br]Say my name, bitch !
Michelle, Michelle.
[ Jim ] Oh, God.
That was[br]a great night, huh ?
Yeah.
I mean, I just can't believe[br]we had our senior prom.
I know.[br]It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Kevin ?
Next year with you[br]going to Ann Arbor...
and me going to Ithaca,
it's not gonna work,[br]is it ?
No.[br]Don't say that.
I mean,[br]we could make it work.
- It'll be perfect.[br]- No, Kevin.
-But--[br]-See, that's what I've been realizing...
is that...[br]nothing's perfect.
And you can't[br]plan everything.
Well, I guess... you will[br]be pretty far away.
And we'll be on our own,[br]meeting new people.
Last night, though.
I wasn't lying.
I know.
She's gone.[br]Wha--
Oh, my God.[br]She used me.
I was used.
I was used.[br]Cool !
What's this door locked--
Mom, where's--
- Mom ? Shit-brick ?[br]- [ Finch ] Hey, Stifler.
-** Do do do do do do do -**
[ Finch ] I just gotta say that women,
Like a fine wine,[br]only get better with age.
Of course, I have[br]no basis for comparison, but, uh,
it was good.
So you almost made it,[br]huh, Oz ?
- I'll just say that[br]we had a great night together. - Hang in there, buddy.
- You'll get there.[br]- You know, guys, I think we're falling in love.
Wha-- [ Chuckles ][br]Wow.
That's great, man.[br]That's awesome.
Y-You know what[br]the coolest thing is, guys ?
This.[br]You know, right now.
It's true. I mean, after this,[br]everything's gonna be different.
After... getting laid ?
- After high school.[br]- Here's to the next step.
- To the next step.[br]- To the next step. - To the next step.
-** Do do do do do do do -**
-** Do do do do do do do -**-**
-** Chickety China, the Chinese[br]chicken, have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking -**
-** Watching X Files[br]with no lights on -**
-** We're dans la maison[br]I hope the Smoking Man's in this one -**
-** Like Harrison Ford[br]I'm getting frantic -**
-** Like Sting I'm tantric[br]Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -**
-** Like Kurosawa[br]I make mad films -**
-** Okay, I don't make films[br]but if I did they'd have a samurai -**
-** Gonna get a set of better clubs,[br]gonna find the kind with tiny nubs -**
-** So my irons aren't always[br]flying off the backswing -**
-** Gonna get in tune[br]with Sailor Moon 'cause that cartoon -**
-** Has got the boom anima babes[br]that make me think the wrong thing -**
-** How can I help it if I think[br]you're funny when you're mad -**
-** Trying hard not to smile[br]though I feel bad -**
-** I'm the kinda guy[br]who laughs at a funeral -**
- Sweetheart ?[br]- -** Can't understand what I mean You soon will -**
-** It's been one week[br]since you looked at me -**
-** Dropped your eyes to the side[br]and said, I'm sorry -**-**
-** Hello to your mother[br]your brother significant other -**
-** I am the summertime -**
-** And I'm here[br]to free your mind -**
-** Kick off your shoes the blues[br]and use anything but your mind -**
-** 'Cause this is[br]the summertime -**
-** And it's here[br]to free your mind -**
-** How many other people[br]can you save today -**
-** Don't you think it's high time[br]that you sail away -**
-** Leave today[br]Don't fall behind -**
-** Try something new, turn into you[br]if only for a short time -**
-** I am the summertime -**
-** And I'm here[br]to free your mind -**-**
-** Love is tragic[br]Love is bold -**
-** You will always[br]do what you are told -**
-** Love is hard[br]Love is strong -**
-** You will never say[br]that you were wrong -**
-** I don't know[br]when I got bitter -**
-** Love is surely better[br]when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**
-** More than I could bear -**
-** More than I could offer -**
-** And a love that isn't there -**
-** Love is color[br]Love is love -**
-** Love is never saying[br]you're too proud -**
-** Love is trusting[br]Love is honest -**
-** Love is not a hand[br]that holds you down -**
-** I don't know[br]when I got bitter -**
-** Love is surely better[br]when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**
-** More than I could bear -**
-** More than I could offer -**
-** And a love that isn't there -**
-** I gotta pick me up[br]when I am down -**
-** I gotta get my feet[br]back on the ground -**
-** I gotta pick me up[br]when I am down -**
-** I don't know[br]when I got bitter -**
-** But love is surely better[br]when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**-**