[Horn blows]
MAN: May I have your attention, please?
The ferry will be docking shortly.
For your safety, all passengers are to remain off stairs,
ramps, and landings until the ferry has come
to a complete stop at the terminal.
Remain behind the designated barriers for docking.
Failure to do so could result in serious injury.
Thank you for riding the Staten Island Ferry.
[Horn blows]
Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-
Good evening.
[People talking and laughing]
MAN: He looks pretty, but he's actually known as Sasquatch.
Let's go.
[Girls giggling]
He's like a caveman. Don't do that, god damn it.
Hey, buddy, you missed the toilet by about 100 feet.
Have fun cleaning it up.
MAN: Ben, come on, man.
[Laughter]
All right, let's go.
Let go of the door.
I'm gonna need an apology.
MAN: Look, dude, he's sorry, OK?
Don't apologize to this rent-a-cop.
No, listen, it's not a big deal.
If you want to keep your job, let go.
[All snickering]
[Bell dings]
What the fuck?
What the fuck is going on?
- What the fuck was that? - What happened?
[Pounding buttons] Is it not moving?
- Damn! - Just do it... stop it!
[Sirens]
WOMAN: Hey, have you seen "Yes Man," Jim Carrey?
So funny, man.
Hey, yo, man. Jim Carrey. "Yes Man."
He says "yes" all the time.
Jim Carrey. You know "The Mask"? Green face?
This one same.
Hey, girls! "27 Dresses." Katherine Heigl.
She's been a bridesmaid 27 times.
It's so good. So romantic.
No, thank you.
What are you looking at?
[Speaking Arabic]
Hey, man, you like Jim Carrey?
“Yes Man“?
Says "yes" all the time. Can't stop saying "yes."
Oh, excuse me.
Some of these buzzers don't have names.
Do you know Bassam Jafari? I'm looking for him.
You a cop?
I'm a friend of Bassam's.
Bassam does not have friends,
and you smell like a cop.
I brought him a doughnut.
That's probably what you're talking about, smell-wise.
Wow.
[Tapping]
[Doorbell buzzing]
- Hello? MAN: Bassam?
Who's this?
Hey, it's Sam Seneca.
Sammy! Come on up!
[Knocks on door]
BASSAM: No more selling DVD. You hear me?
- Sammy. - Bassam.
Are you out of the Army?
Yeah, yeah, I just got out,
and I brought your favorite.
[Chuckling]
Oh.
I have something else for you...
as promised.
You remembered.
BASSAM: Amira! You have to meet my niece.
- Amira! AMIRA: What?
- Come on out here. - No!
Amira!
- You speak Arabic? - Yeah.
I should go.
- No. It's just... - I should go.
Come, come.
Her brother was a translator with me in Iraq.
He was caught in the crossfire
during a raid and was killed by U.S. soldiers.
That's why she left.
Fuck. I'm sorry. I should definitely go.
No, no, no. You will stay and eat with us.
Bassam, I should go.
You will stay at our house.
I don't want things to be awkward, Bassam.
They won't be awkward, I promise.
[Clears throat]
This is really delicious.
Thank you.
We're glad you enjoyed it.
[Sighs]
Hey, you want to hear a funny story?
- Yes. - No.
So, I left the Army in part to
take care of my dad who is dying, right?
This doesn't sound funny.
It gets better.
[Silverware hits plate]
Um... uh, OK.
So, my dad spent the last few years of his life
refurbishing and selling antiques.
So, the day that I get in, he takes me out
antique hunting, right?
And we stop at McDonald's to get some food.
This kid fucks up his order, right?
And he bites into his hamburger, and there's a pickle in it.
He fucking hates pickles, so starts screaming at
this kid behind the counter.
So, they go back and they're remaking his cheeseburger,
and he runs into one of these guys
that used to buy a lot of antiques off him,
and they're reminiscing about these old
axes that my dad used to have.
And my dad says, "Wait right here. I'll be right back."
Runs out to the car, and this kid behind the counter looks up,
and sees my dad... is now barreling towards him
with an giant ax.
And he screams, "Aah!
I'm so sorry about your cheeseburger."
Don't kill me." Ha ha ha!
Then he shat himself.
Smelled like it anyway.
It's not funny.
All right, well, I have another story.
So, there's a penguin who's driving across country,
and he's going through the desert,
just a penguin in his little penguin car.
And it was a really hot day, and he was driving along,
eating ice cream from the passenger seat,
just like, "Oh, it's so hot out here."
And then his car breaks down in the middle of the desert.
So he calls, you know, AAA.
AAA shows up, to find him still eating his ice cream in his car.
And he says, "I don't know what happened."
And the guy from AAA says, "it looks like you blew a seal."
"Looks like you blew a seal," 'cause he was
eating vanilla ice cream.
Like, blew a seal.
It's kind of like a double entendre.
You're talking about... Could be like
a wheel or something in the engine,
but really like blew a seal.
Is English your third language?
MAN, ON TV: Well, Meredith, tonight's the big night,
the season finale of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."
What can we expect from tonight's episode?
MEREDITH, ON TV: Well, you know, Steve,
I gotta tell you.
Everything that this family seems to do just takes off!
Fashion, style, family.
Everything about her is just great.
STEVE: She really does it all, doesn't she?
MEREDITH: She really does.
Thank you for a delicious meal and shitty television.
It's a high five.
You won't give me a high five?
I give high fives to strangers walking down the street.
We've had dinner...
I only walked you to the door because Bassam is asleep
and it would be rude for me not to.
[Slam]
[Loud laughter]
MAN: So, I found out my 6-year-old daughter
has a crush on a boy,
and so I have to kill that boy, right?
I mean, I think that's the only logical thing for me to do.
So, I walk up to the school, and I'm like, "Where's Larry?"
First of all, his name is Larry.
Let's back it up one step, OK?
Who the fuck calls their 6-year-old Larry, all right?
I was already suspect to this kid's parents.
So, I walk up there and I lock eyes with him,
and I look at him, and I say, "Oh, my God,
he's so fuckin' cute!"
He's awesome. He loves sports.
We're hangin' out.
I turn to my daughter. I'm like, "Marry Larry!"
[Laughter]
"Let's just get this thing over with, right?"
You guys ready for some more comedy?
[Cheering and applause]
Put your hands together for Mr. Sam Seneca, everyone. Yeah!
[Applause]
Hello.
WOMAN: Whoo! Yeah!
Hi.
Um, I'm Sam Seneca.
And...
what are all of your names?
I'll get into my stuff here.
Uh... so...
"Jokes and Stuff." Here we go.
I never used to believe in aliens,
and then I started watching reality television.
Now I'm pretty sure that the Kardashians are here
to destroy the planet Earth.
[One person chuckles]
One person watches that show.
Um...
I was walking past a Kindergarten.
I wasn't going out of my way to walk past it.
It was just in my route.
But anyway, I noticed that
these Kindergartners were large in size
and general mass... They were, like, 450 pounds,
which begs the question:
What are we feeding our kids?
Other kids?
[One person chuckles]
Oh, fuck it. Sorry.
WOMAN: Now... I know I had it.
I just...
- Because you called. - Mm-hmm, I did.
- And we spoke. - That's true.
And I pulled it. Where did I put it?
Come on, Janet. It's meow or never.
What?
- Nothing. - Oh.
Hey, what's your favorite Broadway play?
Found it!
That's my file. I knew you could do it.
Wait. Well, maybe this is right.
What is it? What?
Well, it says that you did multiple tours
and you're not claiming disability.
Yep.
Why is that?
Because I'm not disabled.
You should still file a claim.
I'm not looking for a handout.
All I need from you is a copy of my medical records.
Can you please do that for me?
Sure.
Thank you.
I just...
I just don't think I've ever met anyone like you.
Well, that feeling is mutual.
And when we do, he would give it back to me.
I'm going on another long job today.
Behave while I'm gone.
OK.
You wanted to see me?
I'm gonna have to let you go, Sam.
- Fuck. - Fuck is right.
Apparently those assholes you trapped in the elevator
have friends in high places.
Yeah.
You ever collect unemployment before?
Because with your military background,
you may even be eligible for some disabilities.
No. I'll find another job. I'll be fine.
Do what you gotta do, kid.
- Hey, Sam. - Yeah.
- Good luck, huh? - Thank you, Robert.
Yeah, Lawrence, can you... yeah.
Can you listen to me for a second?
Just... I promise you today.
I am gonna paper something together,
and we're gonna be in great shape.
You have to trust me. You have to trust me.
[Knock on door]
Come in!
Yeah, yeah. Hey.
Can I call you back?
OK, bye.
Hey, man. How you doing, dude?
Good to see ya.
- How are you, Charlie? - I'm good, I'm good, man.
How's that job?
I got fired.
Oh, no shit, man. I'm sorry, dude.
- What happened? - It's not your fault.
I really appreciate you putting in a good word
for me and everything.
I'm sorry to hear that. Why'd you get fired?
I locked a couple guys in an elevator.
You lock... that's amazing. That's awesome.
Why... How did that... Why did you
lock a couple guys in an elevator?
They were being drunk and stupid.
It's my fault. I shouldn't have done it.
No. Well, if they were being assholes, fuck 'em, dude.
Here. Have a seat, man.
Let's shoot the shit here.
So, what are you gonna do now?
With no job, what are you gonna do?
I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.
Where are you living?
Oh, I actually just found a great place on Staten Island.
Staten Island has great places?
- Well... - it's amazing.
Yeah, it's cheaper than Manhattan.
Hey, man, in all sincerity,
I'd be more than happy to lend you some cash
for a place in Manhattan.
I know. I appreciate it. I really do.
- OK. - But I can't take it.
Not a chance.
I figured you would say that.
But I do have something I've been wanting to give you, man,
for a while now.
- Here. - What is this?
It's the keys to Grandpa's boat.
It's still docked down in Brooklyn.
You can have her.
He left it to you. Are you serious?
Yeah, man. I mean, I never use her,
and she's just sitting out there.
And you're my favorite cousin, so...
figure she'd be better off in your hands.
That's incredible. Thank you.
Of course, man. Of course.
Hey, man, we should hang out, dude.
Let's hang out more often. I never see you.
What are you doing tonight?
You want to get a drink with me and my buddies?
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great.
[Phone rings]
Awesome. Let's do it. Awesome.
Ah, this guy. I gotta grab this, man.
Yeah. No worries.
Hey. Hold on a second.
Sammy, um... do you have a girlfriend?
No.
OK, I'm gonna hook you up with Claire's friend Simone.
She's like... fucking insane.
Insane's not really what I'm going for.
No, no, like insane in a good way.
Trust me.
Roger that.
All right, man. I'll see you tonight.
Thank you.
Hey, man. How you doing?
[Dance music playing]
Sam, I'm tellin' you, man... Charlie.
Yeah.
Where were we on September 12th?
- The next day. - No, the next fuckin' morning.
Yeah. Dude, the next morning,
straight to the Armory.
- Wanted to sign up. - Yep.
Well, what happened? Why didn't you do it?
- I don't even... - Well, I...
I don't even remember.
I can't remember, but we were like this fuckin' close.
So fuckin' close.
Well, looks like you guys made out all right.
Hmm...
Hey, I want to propose a toast to Sam,
you know, to all the heroes out there
doing what they are doing so that we can
do what we need to do.
- OK? Cheers. Sam. - Sammy, thank you.
Cheers.
Sam, man. What's the craziest shit you saw out there?
You want the craziest?
Yeah, craziest, the scariest, whatever,
like the Rambo-type shit.
Do you want the scariest, or do you want the craziest?
I don't know. Everything.
Come on, man, hit me, hit me.
All right, all right. So, we...
we come back a little bit early from our patrol.
Highway?
Narang.
Kunar Province.
Afghanistan.
Right. Yeah, yeah, OK. Afghanistan.
So, we come back a little bit early from our patrol,
and our battalion chaplain wasn't expecting us.
And so I walk into his little makeshift office,
and I see him crouched in the corner
beating off so savagely,
like just going at it like he had a gun to his head.
And we lock eyes...
The most unfortunate eye contact
I've ever made with another human.
Oh ho ho!
Him with his meat in his hand,
me eager to get back out on patrol and get shot at.
And then it hits me, as I'm eye-to-eye with this man.
He's still wearing his fucking helmet.
He was so excited to beat off
that he didn't take his fucking helmet off...
or he has explosive semen.
Ha ha ha ha!
I've got a question for you guys.
Yeah.
What's the worst thing that you could hear
after giving Willie Nelson a blow job?
I'm not Willie Nelson.
Ha ha ha!
Buddy boy-
- Charlie. - How are you, man?
- Good. - Yeah?
So, listen, man. I've been tryin' to
land this investment fund for a couple years now.
It's run by this Army dude, this Vietnam vet.
And I have him really fuckin' close,
but I can't get him to bite.
So, I have this idea.
Would you be willing to meet with him?
About... what?
Investing in my fund.
I don't even know what hedge funds are.
No. You don't have to know anything about hedge funds.
Listen, my business is just like any other business.
It's just about one thing. It's about relationships.
So, if you can get this guy to commit to $10 million,
I will cut you a check for 50K.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I'm not fucking kidding you.
Listen, go in there.
You slip him the old Army handshake or whatever,
you swap a few war stories and shit, you know.
He'll be eating out of the palm of your hand.
I was looking at you earlier, man.
You're charismatic.
You got charm. People fuckin' love you.
Let's just try it and see what happens.
What do you think?
Yeah. Just tell me what to do.
Dude, we're doing business together. Love it, man.
Yeah, all right.
This is gonna be fuckin' exciting, man.
- Thanks, Charlie. - Absolutely, dude.
Hey, man. Have you seen "Bridget Jones' Diary?"
Say again?
$5.00 "Bridget Jones' Diary." Amazing British movie, man.
This girl falls in love with 2 guys. Amazing!
Really funny!
All right, next time, man. Next time.
Yo, man, your lucky day.
"Bridget Jones' Amazing Diary."
All right, next time, man. See you.
See your I.D., please?
You like "Bridget Jones"?
Let's go. I.D. Now.
You're vending within 10 feet of a crosswalk.
You're selling pirated DVDs.
You realize you're breaking 2 laws at once?
And a fake I.D. 3 for 3 today.
This your real name?
1-Adam to Central.
MAN, OVER WALKIE-TALKIE: Go for Central.
Show-me stop 10-10 with a female, Canal and Broadway.
Requesting NYSPIN check.
Last name Jafari...
Juliet Alpha Foxtrot Alpha Romeo India.
First name Amira... D.O.B. is 02/03/87.
MAN, ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Copy. Stand by.
That's 11-99.
Roger. OK, let's go.
What's going on?
Name's in the system. I gotta bring you in.
Let's go.
OK. OK, OK! I'm coming!
Let's go!
[Brakes squeal]
Oh! What are you doing? Look! It's a crosswalk!
Hey, stop!
1-Adam Central, I got an 11-99.
[Elevator bell dings]
Hey, man.
Hey, Charlie.
- How you doing? - Good.
Yeah? How's it coming?
- Great. - Good, man.
Looks like you guys really have the market beat.
Yeah. Just gotta be smarter than the next guy, that's all. Yeah.
I'm so excited we're doing this together finally.
It's gonna be awesome.
Yeah, thank you so much.
No, of course, man, of course.
Hey, do you own any suits or ties or anything?
No.
OK, so, because we're in sales,
we gotta look extra sharp.
So I think we should go out and get you some really nice ties
and fancy suits and all that,
make you look like a million bucks.
- Cool? - Great.
OK, awesome. Right. I gotta go.
I'll talk to you in a bit.
Great.
[Cell phone ringing]
Hello?
- Sam? - Yeah. Bassam, what's up?
Yes. I need your help.
Yeah. What is it? Anything.
Amira's in trouble.
She had a run-in with the police.
Is she OK?
I don't know, but she's at the apartment.
She can't stay there. They know our address.
And they're looking for her.
She needs a place to stay.
Bassam, she can stay with me.
Sam, she's my niece.
I need you to keep her safe.
She's had a lot of trouble with the courts.
She'll be safe with me.
Where are you right now?
I don't know. In the middle of
fucking nowhere!
But as soon as I get back on Sunday,
I'm driving her to Michigan to live with my cousin Jaffa.
How soon can you get to her?
I'll leave right now.
Please, Sam, keep her safe.
Yeah, of course.
[Knock on door]
Are you OK?
What happened?
I got arrested for selling DVDs,
and then I ran away.
How'd they get your address?
They took my fake I.D.
You had your real address on your fake I.D.?
I wanted it to look real.
Mission accomplished. That's...
Stupid. I know.
Bassam said that you had some trouble with the courts?
Bassam tried to claim me as a dependent,
but that didn't work out,
so, yes, I have trouble with the courts.
Can you go back to Iraq?
No. I can never go back.
It got too dangerous after my family was helping Americans.
Bassam told me about your brother.
Don't talk about my brother!
I'm sorry.
Look, just go.
I don't want to go with you.
I understand that, but I made a promise to Bassam.
I can look after myself.
Look, you can't stay here.
Finish packing that bag, and I'll take you someplace safe.
We'll head out on my bike.
You have a bike?
Like a motorcycle?
Mm-hmm.
Shit.
Look, I'm not leaving without you.
[Sighs]
Fuck.
This is really good.
Oh, my God.
This is the best wrap I've ever had.
I should open, like, a wrap business.
That's what I could do.
Just need some investors,
open a little shop on the corner.
You could come in whenever you want,
watch other people eat wraps.
Are we just gonna sit here until Bassam gets back?
What do you want to do? What would you rather do?
Something better than this.
Better than this?
You haven't tried the wrap yet.
- I'm not going to. - Right.
You OK? You seem a little uneasy.
I've never been on a boat before.
Is it safe?
No.
Yeah. It's very safe...
as long as you stay on the boat.
Why? Are there sharks?
Is that what you're afraid of?
Yeah. I'm afraid of drowning and dying
and then being eaten by sharks.
What about pirates? Are you afraid of pirates?
Ha ha! I don't know.
Hey, give me your hand.
Why?
Just give me your hand. Trust me.
You feel that? You're steering the boat.
You're a sea captain.
OK!
You're doing a good job.
You might want to stand up so you can see where you're headed.
- Yeah? - Yeah, come on.
OK.
See where I'm pointing right now?
Yeah.
Dead ahead, that little spike coming out?
OK.
That's what we're heading toward.
OK.
There you go.
- Ha ha ha! - You're doing great.
- Wait. Where are you going? - Yeah.
No. You are not going anywhere!
Sam, what are you doing? Come back.
Lookit. I'm gonna jump in the water.
What? No, you're not.
You're gonna calmly turn the boat around and pick me up, OK?
No, no, I'm not.
You're not gonna pick me up?
Yes, I would, but you are not jumping in the water.
Sam, if you jump in the water,
I will never, ever speak to you again. Ever.
- OK. - Sam... Oh, my God.
Sam, I can't believe you, man.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm losing my balance.
What are you doing? No, Sam, stop it!
- Amira. - Oh, my God.
You are crazy. What are you doing?
- It really isn't that hard. - Sam, stop it!
Sam! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[Splash] Oh, my God, no!
Oh, my God, Sam!
Oh, my gosh. Crazy person!
What do you think you're doing?
Just remain calm.
OK, careful.
OK, keep coming.
I'm going to hit you, man.
It's OK. Come toward me.
Careful, Sam.
- Amira. - What?
- Put the ladder down. - OK.
OK.
It's the latch on the left side.
OK, OK. Wait. Watch out.
OK?
Oh, I can't believe you, man.
I did it! Ha ha!
High five, man!
Oh, now you want to high five?
Come on, just give me a high five!
You're just throwin' 'em out willy nilly?
Just give me a high five!
So cool.
OK.
I'll take it back.
No, no, I got it.
It's my boat.
How far can we go?
As far as you want to.
[Opens throttle]
You found the gas.
Ha ha ha!
Do you do Facebook?
No.
That's too bad.
'Cause I was thinking if you did, then...
maybe I would let you friend me.
Wow.
I have to join a website just for you to be friends with me.
It's not the same.
It's like I can look at all the things you like,
and then you can look at all the things I like,
and then we can poke each other and stuff.
Oh, you didn't say anything about poking.
I didn't know Facebook was about poking.
Forget it.
Let's poke this guy.
It's too late. We missed our opportunity.
Never mind.
Let's poke the next biker.
Have you ever been to Michigan before?
No.
Maybe I'll come and visit.
I don't want to see you again.
Even
Ha ha ha!
I'm just fucking with your asshole.
Ha ha ha!
You're fucking with my asshole.
I don't think that's what you meant.
What?
You don't want to do that.
- Is that not a thing? - Definitely not, no.
I'm sorry. I don't understand every single curse word words.
No, it's OK. It's just... it's funny.
I'm pretty sure you don't want to fuck with someone's asshole.
Unless maybe that's something you're into.
I don't know you that well, so... oh.
Thanks.
[Door closes]
You take the bed.
OK.
[Click]
Good night.
[Dog barking in distance]
CHARLIE: When's the last time you tied a tie?
I don't know... prom?
But yeah, I could tell.
Didn't do it well then, yeah.
And it's not looking good.
Thank you for rubbing it in. I'm sorry, man.
I don't know how to fucking fix this thing.
[Knock on door]
Thank you.
Hey, Jack.
- How are you, Charlie? - Doing well. How are you?
- Good, thanks. - Good to see you.
Jack Leroy, I'd like you to meet
the newest member of our team, my cousin Sam Seneca.
- Sir. - It's a pleasure.
Charlie told me an awful lot about you.
Has he? Did he mention I don't know how to tie a fucking tie?
Ah. I hate ties.
Oh, thank God. Let's get rid of this.
So, you guys wanna have a seat?
Charlie tells me you were a Green Beret?
I didn't like Berets either. That's a joke.
I actually really miss my guys.
What unit were you in?
I was with SAG OP 35.
You must have spent more time in Laos than Vietnam.
Yeah?
Yes, I did.
Yeah, about 2 dozen of us went over together,
and only a handful of us made it back.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you for yours.
And I would like to thank you both for your service.
Will Sam be handling my account?
Absolutely, if that's what you'd prefer.
Yeah, I would.
You busy tonight?
- Uh, no, I'm not. - OK, here.
I think you should come over to dinner.
What do you say?
It sounds good.
This is my home address.
We'll put away some cheap food
and some very expensive scotch, huh?
- That sounds great. - All right, good.
So, uh... Jack,
does this mean we can count you in for the 10?
Well, I've heard your spiel a dozen times,
but I guess I need to hear it again,
because I'm thinking more like 25.
SAM: Great.
That's great, yeah.
No, Jack, that's fantastic.
Listen, let me give you this packet.
It's just investment philosophy,
recent performance, and the like.
You can take a look at it.
Dude, you're a fucking natural, man.
- It's amazing. - He's so nice.
No. Jack... let me tell you something.
He's nice to people like you.
See, Jack just needs somebody he can trust.
And with your background,
it's literally the perfect combination.
Jules, can you get me Lawrence on the line, please?
I keep trying his cell and he's not picking up.
Thank you.
All right, man, so, listen.
I know that I said I would cut you a check for 50K
if he went in for 10.
But since he's going in for 25,
I'm cutting you a check for 100.
You're shittin' me.
No. I ain't shittin' you. I'm giving you 100K.
That's amazing.
And, by the way, I want you to come
to my engagement party this weekend.
I didn't know you were having an engagement party.
I know. Claire fucked up.
You should have been on the invite list.
I've no idea why you weren't.
But all my biggest clients are gonna be there,
and I want to show you off.
- I'll be there. - Awesome, awesome.
So, question:
Um... can you wear your uniform?
I'm not in the Army anymore.
Right. No, no, I know, I know,
but there has to be like a grace period or some shit, right,
where you can wear it to formal events or something?
No?
I mean, I've only been out a month or so.
And I am on terminal leave, so, technically I could wear it.
Exactly, so...
so do you mind?
- No. - Awesome!
Dude, it's gonna be fucking awesome!
And you're finally gonna meet Simone,
who's been asking about you.
JULES: Lawrence is on the line for you.
Oh, shit. OK, yeah,
tell him to hold for a sec.
Tonight, after your dinner with Jack,
I wanna take you out for a drink, man.
I think we should celebrate, just get fuckin' hammered.
All right, dude.
Thank you so much for this opportunity.
No, dude, thank you, man. You killed it, all right?
I appreciate it.
No, man, seriously. You nailed it, all right?
Good work, dude.
- Good work. - I'll see you tonight, man.
Have fun over there.
Hey, man. We got it. Yeah.
[Chuckles]
Ha ha ha!
I sneak out the back, hoping nobody notices.
And I walk over to this cliff,
'cause they don't have fucking bathrooms there.
I walk right to the edge, and I'm about to piss,
and I just hear this guy scream, "Don't do it, man!
"You've got your whole life ahead of you!
Allah loves you!"
Ha ha ha! Don't jump!
Oh. I guess Allah did, 'cause I didn't jump.
Oh, my God.
Oh, pretty fuckin' funny. Ha ha ha.
Oh, this is great.
Thank you for inviting me over.
Oh...
I appreciate it, just shootin' the shit.
Yeah, of course.
I miss this.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
We were on this routine patrol one morning.
It's in the north, right on the Cambodian border.
And we came across this...
What appeared to be a deserted village.
There was nobody there,
but I could hear what I thought was...
Sounded like a child singing.
And...
First I thought the voice was maybe just in my head,
but as I got closer to this hut,
the singing got louder and louder
until...
I opened up the door of this hut and...
there was this beautiful little girl.
She was about 6 years old,
and she was holding the hand of her dead mother.
And...
she was just singing and singing,
and she had this huge smile on her face.
And I just...
I just stared at her.
Finally, she looked up at me, and our eyes met.
And...
she just kept singing.
I can't...
Well...
[Exhales]
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
I don't know what I would have done.
Oh! Just talkin' about you, man.
How you doin', brother? You remember Greg, right?
Hug it out. Hug it out.
That's some good shit right there.
We were just braggin' about you earlier today.
You were?
I was fuckin' braggin' about you, man.
I did a little research.
You have any idea how many goddamn funds are run by vets?
We are gonna make so much fuckin' money, you and I.
We're gonna make a fuckload of money, man.
You guys are the Dynamic Duo.
We're the fuckin' Dynamic Duo here.
I don't want to be Robin.
Dude, I'm Batman. So, you got a fuckin' choice.
Can we be another Duo?
All right, I gotta take a piss.
See you guys inside, yeah?
All right.
You are a lucky man, getting in on Charlie's action,
I'll tell you.
It looks like he's gonna get through without a scratch, too.
Get through what without a scratch?
Oh, just all the fuckin' bullshit.
He's deaf in' with the SCC, you know.
This investigation is such bullshit.
Anyway, it's nothin'.
What do you mean? What investigation?
Oh, no, no. Honestly, don't even...
Get it out of your head.
Just like... bluhhh! It's really nothing.
It's just they're worried he's overvaluing some of his assets...
That sounds like something.
No, no, that's standard practice in hedge funds, so...
What the fuck! We gotta go inside!
Sorry, I didn't know we were
even going to a strip club, so...
This isn't my scene.
Ah, no, no, no. Come on.
You're Captain America.
There's a roomful of trim would pay to fuck a war hero like you,
or at least give you a discount, you know?
I'm OK, thanks.
No, no, no. Come on,
let me buy you one lap dance, at least, hmm?
Strip clubs give me flashbacks.
There were a lot of them in the war.
They bombed us with strippers.
- Really? 'Sorry-Greg,
- You're leavin'? - I'm gonna go.
What? Are we cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
Can you tell Charlie I said good-bye?
Yeah, yes. Yeah.
- Good, great. - I'll do that.
Enjoy the booty.
All right, I'll... Fo shizzle. Ha ha!
[Door opens]
[Takes off shoes]
[Door closes]
You should sleep on the bed.
I'm OK, thank you.
No, really. It's your home.
You should sleep on the bed.
I'm OK here. I like the floor.
[Sighs]
This is ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous.
I am on the floor because that's the chivalrous thing to do.
I'm fine, seriously.
Go to your bed.
I'm in my bed.
This is my bed.
Look, if no one's gonna sleep in the bed,
I will sleep in the bed.
Great.
All right.
This is so stupid.
Here. Come up on the bed.
I've saved you... 60%.
You're worried that something's gonna happen?
I know nothing will happen.
Exactly.
What, do you think I'm attracted to you or something?
Nope.
No, you've made it abundantly clear
that you're not attracted to me.
Good.
So you can come up on the bed whenever.
What's wrong?
Ahem. Just thinking.
About what?
Nothing important.
You're lying.
I can read your mind.
Good, good. If you can read my mind, then...
you already know what I'm thinking?
- Yes. - Good.
You're thinking, "How can I keep this secret away from Amira."
- Right? - Mmm, no. Mm-mmm.
Just tell me what's going on.
Just worried about...
stu... I don't know.
This...
This job is stressful, this new job.
Yeah, Wall Street is stressful.
I've seen those movies.
Is that what you always wanted to do?
Never crossed my mind.
What did you want to do?
When I was a kid,
I was always the one making other kids laugh,
telling funny stories,
thought I wanted to be a comedian,
like a stand-up comedian.
You know those?
- Yes. - OK.
Did you ever try it?
Yeah, I tried it once.
And?
I bombed.
Is "bombed" good or bad?
Bombed is bad.
Oh.
In my case, very bad.
Killed is good.
So, you want to kill, not bomb.
Yeah.
That's weird, man.
Yeah, usually one leads to the other,
but not in this case.
Well, you should try it again.
Yeah, right... coming from the girl who hates my stories.
[Chuckling] Yeah, I do.
I think I'll get a second opinion.
No, I just...
I found that book of yours,
the one with the jokes in it,
and... they're funny.
You did what?
I just found it.
You were looking through my book?
- You left it out in the open. - Nosy.
I left it out in the open in my own home?
Yes, it was there, and I...
In my home, I left a book out in the open.
- Yes. - My private...
Didn't say "Private" or anything.
I didn't leave it on a park bench.
You're right, you're right.
I should have written "Private" on it.
- Yep. Next time. - It's my fault...
It is your fault.
For expecting you not to just rifle through my stuff.
OK, look, I just said it was funny.
- I'm silly. - I was giving you a compliment.
- Thank you. - Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey, I told you something personal about me.
So, you should do that.
What?
You should tell me something personal about you,
like, are you bald under that thing?
Do you shower in it?
- Do you shave your pits? - What?
I don't know, is that an Arab thing?
- What? - That's a French thing.
You're so strange.
Tell me something I'd never guess about you.
Sometimes I punch people.
What?
When I get mad, sometimes I punch people.
That's something you should know about me.
Yeah, well, sometimes people deserve it.
Yes.
So, you only...
you don't do it very often, do you?
No. Just when they deserve it.
- Yeah. Good. - Mm-hmm.
Good. That's good. Yeah, who...
Sometimes I punch people.
We have something in common.
What's going on?
This is what I do to my friends.
So, now we're friends.
Like it.
As long as we're sharing...
you want to know what I do with my friends?
What?
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, my friends really dig it.
Yeah.
Do your friends like this?
What?
Ahem. Yeah, they probably would like that
if, uh...
Yeah, I don't know if they've ever
done anything like that before.
I'll have to ask them, and we'll take a poll.
You know what they really like?
What?
This.
Oh! Come on!
No, no, stop.
Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
No, I'm more sorry.
No, I'm the sorriest.
Unh!
Sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be taking care of you.
This isn't part of that.
No. I...
This is inappropriate.
- Are you mad at me? - No.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Good.
I'm not a virgin, you know.
I'm not a virgin either.
How you guys doing today?
- Good. How are you? - Good, good. Name?
Sam Seneca.
Sgt. Seneca and Amira Jafari?
Have a good time.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- You're a sergeant? - I was.
Charlie thinks I'm still in the Army.
That's weird.
Best dressed man here.
Hey, Sammy, you look great.
- You must be Amira. - Yes.
Hi. I'm Charlie. It's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
Congratulations on getting engaged.
This is like the most romantic thing I've ever seen in person.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Hey, Sammy, someone I want you to meet.
Oh, yeah, your fiancee?
No, no. Karl, excuse me.
Sam, I want you to meet Karl Royce, former Marine.
No such thing as a former Marine.
Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Yes, yes, of course.
I want you to meet Sgt. Sam Seneca.
This is my cousin and also my newest sales rep.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Sergeant. - Sir.
Karl owns the nation's largest shipping company,
and I thought maybe you guys could,
I don't know, talk shop or something.
Gladly. Do you mind if we get a drink first?
- We just got here. - Of course.
You know what, I can get you guys a drink.
Oh, no, that's OK. You have a lot of
people to entertain.
Karl, it was a pleasure to meet you.
Sergeant.
All right, we'll talk later.
Yeah, he's a great salesman.
Two whiskeys, neat.
WOMAN: Sam? Hello.
- Claire? - Yes.
Wow.
What a pleasure to finally meet you.
Same here.
Congratulations.
I know, already 5 months.
And you must be Amaya.
Amira.
Oh, right. Sorry. Pleasure.
Thanks for having us.
Well, what do you think?
Well, I think Charlie's doing all right.
Oh, he is. He really is.
Yeah.
You know, there is somebody here
that you absolutely have to meet.
- Simone! - Oh, boy.
Simone, this is Charlie's cousin Sam.
Yes, Sam, I've heard so much about you.
Likewise.
It's wonderful to meet you.
My pleasure.
- I'm Amira. - Sorry.
I didn't know you were bringing a date.
I... well, no. We're friends.
I'm a prostitute.
Or that.
I beg your pardon?
He even bought me this dress,
just like "Pretty Woman."
Right. Ahem. She looks good in red.
Um, it was nice to meet you both.
Yeah, Claire, it was really a pleasure.
I'm sure we'll catch up a little bit later.
What the fuck has got into you?
Ha ha ha!
I've never tried whiskey before.
Yeah, well, there's a first for everything.
It's really good,
put a little hair on your chest.
What?
Puts hair on your chest.
Whiskey makes hair grow on your chest.
For real?
Whiskey makes hair grow on your chest, yeah.
I'm just fucking with your asshole.
Oh ho ho! Look who's taking my words now, huh?
They're not your words. You can't own words.
And it works when I say it.
When you say it.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
It's good.
[Clink]
I should talk to Charlie.
Go. I'll be OK.
[Piano playing]
You're a prostitute, right, so you do whatever I want?
Right.
Hmm. How about a kiss on the cheek?
That will cost you an extra hundred dollars.
Oh, my God!
Let's go. I think I can afford it.
No, wait. This cheek.
No, no, this one. Come on.
She is... 5 months along?
Man, she looks amazing for 5 months.
Yeah, I know.
- Charlie. - Hey.
Dude. What, uh...
What's the name of Aladdin's girlfriend?
I don't know.
Your girl looks just like her.
- She does, actually. - Right?
I'm gonna ask around. I'm gonna find out.
Having fun?
Yeah. Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
In private.
Uh... sure. Now?
Come on. Over there?
WOMAN: Hi! How are you?
What's up, man?
I don't know. I just...
I just wanna talk some things through with you.
OK, OK, what's up?
Why are you being investigated by the SCC?
Why am I being... what?
What are you talking... I don't know what you're talking about.
Charlie, just tell me. Just tell me.
Sammy, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
I know when someone's lying to me, Charlie, please.
Hold on one second. I'm not
doing anything differently
than what any other traitor is doing.
I know the SCC is investigating you.
What I don't know is what you've done to warrant it.
- All right... - Please.
OK.
What you probably heard about... somewhere...
I don't know how... is that the SCC has an ongoing investigation
with certain members of the company.
- Right. - Yeah, OK.
That's normal. That happens to every company
at one point or another.
Nothing is happening.
They're not gonna find anything.
You're being crazy. Come on, man.
You're at my engagement party.
Can we enjoy ourselves a little bit, please?
- Yeah? - I don't know.
Come on, let's get out there.
I'm your cousin, dude.
I'll have another Merlot, please.
Do they... make you wear that?
- This? - Mm-hmm.
No. I do what I want.
Thank you.
Give me a hug, you crazy fuck!
Uncle Nick.
So, you couldn't cut it in the Army,
so you're gonna hang out with the big boys
on Wall Street, huh?
Yeah, I thought I'd give it a try.
It's been a long time.
Mmm. A long time.
You know, we missed you at the funeral.
You know, uh...
your dad and I, we had our differences.
I don't know what it was.
We just never saw eye-to-eye.
Yeah.
So...
What's with the red dress? Hmm?
Hmm.
I mean, haven't you done enough for those people?
I was in building number 4 when the planes hit the towers.
I saw those poor fuckers jump out the window,
smash into the pavement.
I lost 3 of my closest friends that day.
I know, Nick.
You know what I learned?
That a towel is not a fucking hat.
What do you want her to do, take it off?
Yeah, she's making people uncomfortable.
Maybe people are making her uncomfortable.
Maybe you're making her uncomfortable.
Is she here illegally?
It's America. We're all here illegally.
Hey.
I got it.
What is it, Greg?
It's Jasmine.
What's Jasmine?
Aladdin's girlfriend.
It's Jasmine.
I love that movie.
Oh, hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
Let's talk to Karl for a minute.
- Not now. Just 5 minutes, 5 minutes.
Hey, Karl. Sorry to interrupt, guys.
Sam's back. I thought you guys could chat.
Sergeant, you still in service?
No, sir.
Then why are you wearing your uniform?
That's a good question. That is a good question.
Charlie, why am I wearing my uniform?
I think it's because Charlie thinks
I'm his little pet monkey.
Well. I think you two need to talk.
It was nice to meet you, Sergeant.
You as well.
What the fuck are you doing?
You just completely embarrassed me.
I'm not your little puppet, Charlie.
No. What are you doing? Are you drunk?
Is that what's happening? Are you drunk?
I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this.
You don't want to do what?
What don't you want to do?
This. I don't... I don't...
Charlie, drop Jack's account.
Sammy, Jack is coming in on Tuesday.
This is a fuckin' check for $25 million,
and I need you there to close.
I am tired of being lied to.
- Who the fuck is lying to you? - You are.
Sam, hey, wait. Are you serious right now?
Let go of me, Charlie. Charlie.
Hey, Sammy, calm the fuck down.
I can do this.
[Woman gasps]
SAM: Fuck! Hey!
CHARLIE: Sam, no!
- Hey! - Greg, get off me.
Sam, geez!
AMIRA: Uhh!
[All gasp]
- Oh, my God. - She hit me!
- Are you all right? - She fucking hit me!
GREG: Are you OK? Are you OK?
Let's go.
MAN: Guys, what's going on?
[Knock on door]
[Knocking continues]
[Knock on door]
We're looking for an Amira Jafari?
We're told she might be staying here with you.
She's being charged with assault.
[Bed creaks]
Is she here?
SAM: No. She's not.
[Crash]
Amira Jafari?
Yeah?
You're being charged with assault.
- Aah! - Take it easy!
Sir, I'd advise you to not get involved.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to a lawyer...
I'm sorry to keep bothering you.
Are you sure you don't need a translator or anything?
I speak fluent Arabic.
Sir, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait
for the arresting officer.
What the hell happened, Sam?
Bassam, I fucked up.
Hello, Miss. I need to speak to Amira Jafari.
OFFICER: No.
That's OK. I'm her uncle.
Officer Velez will be out to speak with you shortly.
[Bassam speaking Arabic]
What happened, Sam?
- We got into a fight. - You and her?
No. I got into a fight, and she jumped in.
It all just happened so fast.
Why was she with you?
I took her to my cousin's engagement party.
- Mr. Jafari? - Yes?
She'll be eligible for bail in the morning.
When she's released, she'll have 24 hours
to get her affairs together
before she needs to report
to the Federal Detention Center in Queens.
And then what?
She'll be processed and put back on a plane to Iraq.
She can't go back to Iraq.
She doesn't have a choice.
This isn't about the assault charge.
She was issued a notice to appear last December,
and when she didn't show,
the court issued an order of deportation.
- Can we fight it? - It's a final order.
Sir, you don't understand.
You can't send her back to Iraq.
Her life will be in danger.
It's out of my hands. I'm sorry.
What if she were married to an American?
It wouldn't make a difference.
Married, Sam?
I'm just trying to think through all of our options.
You took her to a party?
I'm sorry, Bassam.
It's too late.
Excuse me.
- Bassam, I can... - Go!
I'll handle it from here.
I want to help.
Stay away from her, Sam.
Miss, I really need to see her.
- Yes, sir. - Please.
You don't understand. I must see her.
[Horns honking]
[Door bell jingles]
[Sighs]
Sam.
Um...
Should we talk about what the hell got into you last night?
- What got into me? - Yeah.
- Hmm? - I was trying
to protect Jack's investment.
Trying to protect Jack's investment?
Sam, Jack's investment is gonna be fine.
I need you to trust me.
I don't think that you realize
how bad I need this account.
Claire pressed charges against Amira.
I know.
I tried to stop her, and...
She's pregnant. She got hit.
What do you want me to say?
Amira's being deported.
Oh, fuck, man. I didn't realize that. OK.
I'm gonna call Claire.
I'll have her drop the fucking charges.
Don't bother. It doesn't matter.
It's done. It's already done.
You can't do anything about it.
WOMAN: Can I get you anything?
I'm OK, thank you.
Sammy, I'm sorry...
Charlie, I need you to be straight with me
and tell me everything that's going on with the fund.
- Dude, I won't... - Just no more bullshit.
I'm not bullshitting you, man.
Listen...
This is not the Army, OK?
This is the real world.
And all of us, every single one of us,
is a prisoner of the system.
And that system is called free market capitalism, right?
And it's not fair. It's not fuckin' fair,
because it was never designed to be fair.
See, I know that you're all worried about
the SCC and all that shit, but fuck them.
See, they're trying to tell me how to do my job,
but they don't know shit about analyzing risk.
See, they are always looking at the worst-case scenarios,
which never pertain to me, right?
But even if they did, I have hedges in place
that allow me to back out of my riskiest positions.
Do you understand what...
What kind of hedges are you talking about, Charlie?
I have these offshore investment entities, right?
And they can buy huge stakes in American companies,
and that influences the stock price.
So it gives us an edge in trading.
You've rigged the system.
Yes. Absolutely.
That's why you don't need to worry about it.
It's all fuckin' rigged, Sam,
and there's no need in trying to fight it.
This is how I think of it.
You were lucky enough to be a part of that 1%
that served the nation, right?
So, I'm giving you an opportunity
to be a part of the 1% that runs the nation.
Because if anybody deserves to reap the benefits
of this weird, fucked-up system that we're living in, it's you,
and I want that for you. I do.
And I need you there on Tuesday.
You got it, man?
I got it.
[Sighs]
Hey, this is gonna be good, man, all right?
I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah?
I'm glad we talked, man. Feel a lot better.
All right.
[Horns honking]
JACK: I did my due diligence.
I know all about Charlie.
There's no way that he could be getting those kinds of returns
playing by the rules, but it doesn't matter
'cause nobody plays by the rules anymore.
I know where you're coming from.
I tried to hold onto my idealism for as long as I could
after I left Vietnam, but it didn't last.
Things changed, and they continue to change.
It's not just the financial world.
It's everywhere.
I was on the board to rebuild the Twin Towers.
I..-
If those buildings had been destroyed in any other country,
they would have been rebuilt within a year.
Done. No questions asked.
But America has become this cesspool of self-interest.
If you can't get anybody to agree on anything,
then nothing will get done.
So, the only way to survive
is to fend for yourself.
There's dozens of guys like Charlie out there.
Only reason that I'm willing to go with him
is because I want to help you.
Are you in?
I'm in.
Good.
WOMAN: Record your message after the tone.
[Beep]
AMIRA: You know, all of those movies are bullshit.
They're always like, "You only get one phone call in jail,"
but this is, like, my third call.
My brother Amend and I used to run around Baghdad
like crazy people.
It was the best time ever.
And so I was wondering if
you wanted to spend one last day with me tomorrow.
I've seen all of those romantic movies...
but none of them compare to the way I feel about you...
Not even "Sweet Home Alabama."
And hopefully, that makes sense.
And hopefully, we can spend one last day together tomorrow.
You don't have to come back with me.
It's too late.
[Buzzer]
Hello?
It's Sam.
Come on up.
Who is it?
Sam.
- Why is he here? - He's here for me.
- What do you mean? - I called him.
- Why? - We're going out.
No, you're not.
[Knock on door]
Go to your room.
I told you to stay away from her.
Bassam, if it's OK with you,
I was hoping I could spend one last day with her.
All this mess is your fault.
I know.
Now I have to go back to Iraq...
to watch over her,
leave everything that I've built behind.
Jesus, Bassam.
I'm so sorry.
All I wanted and asked was for you to watch over her.
I know.
You let me down.
Just leave, Sam.
I will take her to the Detention Facility in the morning.
No!
I'm spending my last day with him.
You don't know what you're saying.
It's my decision.
Will you do something for me?
Anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
Ahem.
Uh... great.
Um...
I just got back to America.
I've been away for the greater part of the last decade.
I've been sewing in the Army.
And, um...
And I came back, luckily,
unharmed physically, mentally, emotionally,
but still it's been a little bit of a struggle
assimilating back into society,
it really has,
and I think I'm starting to figure out why.
I went off to war, but this country lost its fucking mind.
I'll give you an example.
Vampires...
are everywhere.
[Laughter]
They're in movies, television.
I mean, I was approached by some bloodthirsty chick
who had been traveling around the Earth,
you know, fucking bucketloads of dudes
for the last couple hundred years,
who cornered me and said, "You're my one true love,"
I'd be like, "Get the fuck out of here."
[Laughter]
Um... another thing that's changed is
how extreme commercials are, advertisements in general.
I watched a Doritos commercial
that promised me third-degree burns.
That's not a commitment I'm willing to make for a snack.
[Laughter]
America's gone crazy.
A lot of things have changed.
Another thing that's changed... I...
I, um...
This might not be the place to talk about it,
but I've found a...
I've found a beautiful woman that I'm not going to be able
to spend any more time with very soon.
I don't know when I'll get to see her again.
She's the beautiful woman sitting right there.
You don't have to look at her, but you can if you want to.
[Chuckling]
She's leaving the country tomorrow morning,
and I don't think she'll ever be able to return.
And I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know. I don't care.
SAM, VOICE-OVER: "Dear Bassam,
"Amira and I are leaving.
"We're not sure exactly where we're headed.
"But don't worry about us.
"We'll be OK wherever we land.
"I guess you could say we're a couple of
"penguins lost in the desert."
"To be honest, the only thing that we know for certain
"is we're better off together."
"And, Bassam, we're gonna miss you.
"We'll be in touch once we settle down somewhere.
"Love always, Amira and Sam."
[Singing] Way in the back, with a smile I attack
Out of place, out of time
Every one takes to me
Crash into a room
In a town with no view
You want it all, but you're scared
As far as I can see
It's the same, it's the same
As any other day, I want to [indistinct]
...inside you, oh, now
Beside you all night
You're lost, I'm just bored
I hear the sound of your chords
Such a beautiful, beautiful mystery to me
They'll never know just how far I would go
I'd probably go straight to hell
Just so heaven could see
It's the same, it's the same
As any other day, I want to [indistinct]
...inside you, oh, now
Beside you all night
It's the same, it's the same
As any other day, I can [indistinct]
[Song continues indistinctly]
'Cause I'm alive, hang on
'Cause I'm alive, I want to get it right
To show you kill
'Cause I'm alive, hang on
'Cause I'm alive, I'm always waiting by the stairway
It's three more than
Run to me, run to me, right into me
'Cause I'm alive, hang on
Run to me, run to me, right into me
'Cause I'm alive, hang on
Yeah
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