-You know, these online races
can sometimes be a little tricky.
But I love creaming these international dudes one by one.
Sweden? Beat 'em off.
Morocco? Beat 'em off.
I beat off all of 'em.
- What did you just say just now?
- Well, some of these dudes, their technique is basically
superior fingering.
They finger pretty hard and they've developed it over years.
But I finger hard as well.
I come first because my fingering's the best.
- Keep talking about beating off international dudes one by one.
The chat is going crazy right now.
-Well, it's the fingering.
The Japanese guys, they're very good at fingering.
- Let me adjust a little bit here.
You're a little off center.
- You gotta do the thumb diddle.
Not the thumb war diddle, but rather the Tetris diddle,
if you know what I mean.
Oh! Oh! Wait, oh! Oh, no.
Can everyone see that? It's on my camel toe.
-What the fuck is going on in this house?
The WiFi is so slow.
I'm trying to get some work done.
Holy mother of hell! What is that?
- We're streaming to the internet.
- You're streaming your vagina to the whole internet?
- Doug, can you turn off the screen, please?
- I think it's frozen.
- Jesus. What is with you kids?
Whatever happened to living your life?
You're on the computer all the time.
And now you're streaming your llama foot to total strangers?
- Strangers with tips. - Strangers with tips?
- I am in a cream fest with all these international dudes
and I was coming!
- Doug, can you get that off the TV?
Please, turn the channel.
- This is your home!
- Get the remotes, Doug! - What brand is this?
Oh, thank freakin' God.
Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-
-I don't know, it's kind of spooky, Grandma.
It's like colonial times.
Do you think we'll have to pee-pee in a basin?
- Nora, the toilet still works.
- What if we run out of food, and resources, and water?
And we have to resort to incest? Like in "The Shining"?
- You mean cannibalism. - Cannibalism, sorry.
- Nora, relax. I love blackouts.
It's like camping in your home.
Whoa. It makes me miss camping.
- You used to go camping? - Oh, yeah.
We used to bring the whole family up to Toronto to buy
illegal Chinese goods, like, uh, the salted pressed ducks.
We put them behind the kids' back
and they pretend they're sleeping.
- Grandma, that's not camping.
- I just need to get a good signal.
- You're not. That TV is, like, from 1974.
- The subways are all down.
I might have to hang here for a bit.
- No worries, man. Make yourself at home.
- Yeah, of course, Papa. I mean, Wally. I mean, me.
What? - What?
- I'm just... I'm not real good at hanging with cool dads,
you know? - Mm.
Hey, you want a drink? Ever had port tawny?
- Oh, she loves sports. Toss the old pigskin around.
- This one here is a nice one.
- Oh, yeah, ports. I love ports.
- Yeah, but see? We needed a good blackout.
It's the perfect chance to unplug,
spend some time together, stay off the computer.
We can tell some stories.
Like, I bet you were wondering about this picture, right?
- I don't think he was wondering about that.
- Uh, sure. Is that you?
-Yeah, that's me.
Growing up here in Queens. Look at my face.
Actually, you know, it was super racist back in the day.
- Oh, here we go.
- I'm out.
- What? Grandma.
- What you guys don't know... It was different back then.
We were the only Chinese family on the block.
- You'll never catch me!
-But I made friends with the boy next door.
- Stop! Put your hands up! Pew, pew!
-He was my best friend.
- Ow, you got me!
- Until... - Jimmy, get over here.
- I was just playing with Wally.
- You know better than to play with these Japanese traitors.
- I'm not Japanese.
- Oh, get out of here. Now, go on!
- Wait, hey, what's going on?
- Wally, come back! - I don't know.
- JIMMY'He's just joshin' ya!
You kids keep playing your game.
- JIMMY'Glenda, I'm not kiddin' around.
I'm not kiddin' around, Glenda!
- JIMMY'Do you hear yourself?
Everybody hears you. You're embarrassing.
- Damn, Mr. Lin.
That's like the first half of "Gran Torino."
- That kind of shit happened all the time.
The kids in the neighborhood
used to play pick-up games in the park.
-Me, me, me!
-But I never got picked.
- Robert.
- Michael S. - Michael P.
- Michael R. - Mikey D.
-It was brutal, waiting.
I felt like everybody got picked except me.
- Hey, I'm over here!
-A kid with a broken arm.
This total nerd.
- Seriously? That dorkus over me?
-One kid just wearing a suit.
- You.
And this old man
that just happened to be sitting there.
- Is that guy even allowed to be around kids?
-Finally, I was the last one.
And it was one spot left. They had to pick me, right?
- Cactus!
- What the hell? That's a goddamn cactus!
- I was devastated.
I had to just stand there behind the fence and watch 'em play,
having so much fun.
Even worse, that fucking cactus made a big catch.
-Cactus! Cactus! Cactus!
- Are you crying?
- No. I'm just allergic to the sun.
Anyway, the game went on.
The kid in the suit, he had to go to his uncle's funeral.
So the captain turns to me and he says...
- Wally! You're up!
- Me? Yes!
-It was my first at-bat ever.
I was so excited.
- I got this.
-And do you know what I did?
- It's a home run!
Wally! Wally! Wally!
- Uh, no. That's not what happened.
- Yeah, it is. - Tell the truth, Wally!
- Shut up, Wally. - No, you shut up!
-What the hell's going on?
-All right.
The true story is I stepped up to the plate and...
-I was, like, out cold for, like,
45 minutes.
- You know what? Fuck them kids.
And fuck the cactus too.
- Probably be pretty painful to fuck the cactus.
Appreciate the sentiment.
- He didn't mean it like that, Dad.
He meant, you know, like, screw them.
- I've gone through something similar.
I guess not much has changed since.
- Mm.
- I've been the subject of bullying.
There was this one instance...
- Yeah? - It was very bizarre.
I haven't told anyone this story, actually.
- Hey. Are you Korean?
- Um, yeah, on my Mom's side.
- Come with me. - Okay.
-Wait, your voice was that low back then?
-I was born with a giant larynx.
- Hey, guys. Nora, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, this is what we do to fellow Koreans.
- Wait, you're Korean too?
- Why are you doing this?
You're wasting food.
- Come on!
- Dude, what?
That's just Freshman Friday.
- What?
- Yeah, that's something Korean kids do at city schools.
It's like hazing, a rite of passage.
- I just thought it was Asian-on-Asian bullying.
- No. I'll show you Asian-on-Asian bullying.
Where's your Lazy Susan?
I know every Chinese household has one.
- All right. - Oh, snot rockets.
You guys get trajectory on those things, like SpaceX.
It's out of here.
I mean, I'm digging the port tawny,
but I know y'all got the Remy Martin.
Every Chinese function has Remy Martin.
- Not every function.
- Oh, and Chinese people love bootlegging.
Is that a Sony or a Tony? - Okay.
-Korean people love alcohol
and the United Colors of Benetton!
- Ma! - Grandma, I am half Korean.
- We're reclaiming her.
- And double eyelid surgery!
- Almost. Come on.
- Hey, Princess, you want a drink?
You're old enough.
- I can't drink. I get red.
I get mean-spirited. I throw up in my mouth.
Got kicked out of Walgreens.
- Oh, that's why.
- But I will light one up, if you'll let me do it inside.
- I'm not lookin', I don't see nothin'.
- Dad? - Yeah?
No, no, no. You know I never touch that stuff.
- But why? - Why?
Because something really bad happened to me
the last time I smoked weed, that's why.
- What happened? - Just something really bad.
- You killed somebody for real?
- No, but I did die a little that day.
- Dad, what happened?
- I never told anybody about this before.
I was in college.
My roommate, Mark, he was, like, the coolest dude I'd ever met.
-That dude? Seriously?
-Yeah, obviously.
Anyway, we're going to a concert,
and he offered me some Mary Jane.
- Hey, hey, hey, my man! - What's up, Mark?
- You wanna smoke a doobie before
the Doobie Brothers cover concert?
- No, I don't think so.
-It's straight from Nicaragua!
- What does that mean? It's good?
- It's how you get your chill vibes, cool cat.
- Yeah?
-And I did it.
It was a huge mistake.
And I paid for it that day at the concert, man.
I paid big time.
- Ah, why are you standing up? - I don't know.
- I got so high, I couldn't help
but stand up for every song that they played.
- Hey, sit down, man. What are you doing?
- I can't help it.
- Yeah!
- Wally!
Oh, come on, dude, sit down!
- Oh, Mark, I told ya I can't help it!
- It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
- Shit!
Woo!
You guys are the coolest cats!
- Yeah!
-Uh, that's it?
You just stood up a bunch? At a concert?
- And I haven't touched that stuff since.
- All right, I got a story.
Have I ever told y'all the one about my boy Thad?
- No.
So Thad was out one night...
-This is the same dorm room as my dad's.
No, this is a new spot. It's not.
-All dorm rooms kind of look the same anyways.
Is that better?
-I know this is my dad's dorm.
- Cool. Can I be in the story too?
No, get out of here. No, come on, Dad.
Let him do it.
-Anyways, Thad brings this girl home and man,
is she a 10 out of 10.
Dime piece, Michelin rated, 98% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- Okay, we get it.
-So she's like...
- Do you mind if I eat this burrito?
- And Thad was like... - Smells great.
Is that achiote chicken?
- It's actually barbacoa with extra jap-a-leño peppers.
Do you like anal?
- Uhhhh...
- Where's your bathroom?
-Doug, what kind of story is this?
It's not even about you. - Well, long story short,
he got a jalapeño seed in his pee pee hole.
-Ow!
- I can't get a signal on my black box.
I'm gonna try upstairs.
- Anyway, thank you, Doug, for that fully disgusting story
that no one asked for.
- What? You got one better than spicy dick?
- A thumb could tell a better story than spicy dick!
- At least I was in my stories.
- Got a couple of R.L. Stine's here.
- I got a weird one.
- Oh yeah? Wait. How weird?
- Weird.
In high school, I became friends
with these two kind of bitchy girls.
- That was so good!
- That was so mean. He cried.
- Yeah, but that's so funny.
-We prank called takeouts and 911, mortuaries.
- I dare you to prank
a phone sex hotline.
- A phone sex hotline? - Yeah.
- I thought that was for people 18 or older.
Doesn't that cost money?
- No, not at all.
- No? - No.
- Okay, yeah. Oh yeah, I'll do it.
- Yeah.
-Well, hello.
Welcome to Warm the Bed with Wilma.
- Hi, is your refrigerator running?
-Oh, say that again, stud.
- Is your refrigerator running?
-Are you prank-calling me right now?
- No.
-Take me off speaker for a sec.
-Now, look, kid.
You're not my first prank caller.
But, I don't know, I can hear from your voice your friends
kind of forced you to do this, and that's okay.
I'll take care of it. Just put me back on speaker.
You asked if my refrigerator is running?
- Yeah. - It is.
-Well, you better go and catch it!
-Do you think this is funny,
you little pieces of shit?
- She said shit! - You're a piece of shit.
- That's so good, Nora.
-No one ever had my back like that.
- Wait, how much a minute was this?
- Not a lot. Like, $30 a minute.
- What?
- We'd only talk in 4-hour increments.
- Jesus Christ!
I mean... that explains the phone bill that I have not yet
financially recovered from.
- Dad, is this story night or guilt night?
Anyway, I called her back.
- You got her home number, right?
- No, just still on hotline.
- Holy shit, do I look like Con Edison to you?
-I let you finish.
I even let Doug kind of finish the Thad one!
- Sorry.
- We ended up getting pretty close.
Is it normal for my period to last 11 or more days?
And, do you think you could lose your virginity
to a super plus tampon? Because they're humongous.
-Nora, don't stress. Just make sure you eat well
and keep hydrated during your period.
And no, a tampon shouldn't.
But here's a fun tip: when peeing,
go ahead and pull that string towards your butthole.
Not too hard so it slips out.
- Oh man, that's genius. I hadn't even thought of that.
Puberty sucks, Wilma.
Like, my friends make fun of me 'cuz I don't shave my legs.
My gym teacher had mentioned that if... if... when you do start
shaving your legs super young, they grow back real coarse like
Tom Selleck's butthole hair, you know?
-You don't need to shave if you don't wanna shave!
I know a lot of guys who like natural beauties anyway.
- Do you not shave?
-Oh, no, my vagina's balder than an eagle.
Looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin's foreskin.
- Oh, cool. I love him.
Um, happy holidays.
-Happy holidays to you, honey.
- I love you, Wilma. - I love you too, Nora.
Don't forget to yank that tampon out.
It's been, like, six hours.
- Oh yeah. No, I won't.
- Bye, baby. - Bye.
- So you talked to a total stranger about your period?
- Sounds like you were having an affair with a phone sex operator
while you were in high school.
You a G, Nora. That's some good shit.
- No, it wasn't sexual, like, at all.
- Yeah, right.
It wasn't sexual talking to a phone sex operator?
Every day? - Every day.
- It wasn't sexual, Doug.
- Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.
- I just wanted a mom!
-Hey! I finally got a signal!
It's snowy, but I got the Spice Channel! Ha, ha!
- Okay, it's time for me to go.
- You don't talk about her a lot.
But I know you miss her.
- I've come to terms with it, Dad.
- Do you remember her? - In fragments.
Do you?
- Do I remember her?
Every day.
I'll never forget the first time I saw her.
I was walking home one night.
I don't even remember exactly where I was.
Just that... all of a sudden,
it seemed like time stood still.
Frozen.
She stopped time.
You know, I have these dreams where she comes back.
And my first reaction is, I'm kind of mad at her.
I'm angry at her for leaving.
In my dreams, I start arguing with her.
I ask her, "Why did you leave us like that?"
I know we don't talk about her a lot.
And...
- I miss her every day.
- Me too, Princess.
- Do you think she'd be proud...
of how I am now?
- Did I ever tell you the story
about how your mom went to a psychic?
She just found out that she was sick and...
she was pregnant with you.
We didn't know the sex of the baby or anything like that yet.
But your mom goes to this psychic.
And the psychic says, "You're gonna have a daughter."
Like, she knew you was gonna be a daughter.
Spooky stuff.
- Could've been a couple things.
- And she says...
"Your daughter's gonna be somebody special someday."
- You think this psychic will be right?
- Come on, she already is.
- I'm really glad you found Brenda.
- Yeah?
-Okay, it's the return of the llama foot.
I'm just gonna sit here and polish off this bottle, I guess.
You should go up to bed, huh?
- I'll hang out for a little bit.
Stay with you.
- Okay.
- It's not that bad. - It's pretty bad.
- I really like the story on this one.
How do you think he's gonna make her pay for that pizza?
- Well, I got an idea. - He's really good at that.
- Yeah, they don't make porn like this nowadays.
Everything's all so scary and aggressive.
- Back then, everyone was natural.
You see a boob flopping around or a big-ole Furby down there.
- Those titties are flying around like nunchucks.
She's really got a ZZ Top situation down there.
Oh, an ad for The Erogenous Zone.
Adult shopping for grown-ups.
- I got a pressure cooker from them once.
- What?
- Yeah, they sold normal stuff too.
I have one in the kitchen.
It makes moaning sounds when it's done.
-You guys know the lights are back on, right?
- Are you watching a porno together!
- Ah, yeah! - No.
- Y'all are gross.
- But so am I!
Oh, I wish we had some beef bourguignon!
- You can eat while watching porn.
- Is there any other way to watch porn?
- Gwak! Ow!
You know what a balloon knot looks like?
- Yeah. - Her butthole.
- Oh, yeah.
-Who the is Awkwafina?
Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-