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- Six. - Are you out of your mind, Drama?
That girl was perfect.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
How would you like to come to a movie premiere Wednesday night?
Aquaman?
- I'd love to. - Here you go.
- See you there. - Thanks.
See you there.
"Six" my ass, Drama.
She was a six to me. And I wouldn't have given her a ticket.
50 hot girls have walked by, guy's had a problem with every one.
- Cos none will look at him. - What was wrong with her?
She was top-tall, bro.
- What the fuck is top-tall? - Torso's too long, legs are too short.
- She was inverted. - Your brain's inverted.
I don't have to defend my rating system.
Every girl I've given a ticket to has been at least an eight.
What do you rate, Drama? I'm curious.
I don't have to rate, I'm holding the cards.
Not many left. How many did you guys give out?
- The right amount. - It's like chumming for sharks.
Throw enough blood and guts in, you'll catch a great white.
50 girls at the party will show up thinking they're your dates.
And when 50 sharks show up looking for goodies?
Feeding frenzy.
- Whatever. We got Ari in 30. Let's roll. - Let's do it.
Ten.
- Last ticket. - Our work here is done.
Excuse me!
Jesus Christ. Lloyd!
What the fuck is this?
- Your finger. - It's dust. It's fucking dust. Why is it here?
The cleaning staff's on strike. You know that.
They strike, you work. You're Asian. You're supposed to be a neat freak. Get a rag.
You're nervous Vince is coming up.
It's the agent, Ari, not the office.
- And you do have a lovely view. - It's West fucking Hollywood!
And what I got is nine people in 1,400 square feet.
Now go grab a rag. Go!
I want every desk to be sterile enough for you to get trained on.
Look at this.
- What a dump. - You could use the exercise, fat boy.
Yeah? Race me up, you 50-year-old cocksucker!
Hey, Lloyd.
Tell someone the elevator's out.
I would tell someone, Johnny Drama, but who?
Do you need a quarter to feed the meter?
- No, we're all good, Lloyd. - I couldn't be repped at this shithole?
You've been repped at bigger shitholes.
What's the good word, boys?
Hey, Ari.
Hey, the place is, it's really...
- It's nice. - Thanks, Drama. How are you doing?
Still no agent. What do you say?
That it's important that whoever reps you cares about you, right?
- Right. - Right. Vinnie, E, let's go.
Awful. Just awful.
So boys, boys, big week.
The kind of week you will remember your whole lives.
Like the week you got your first blowjob. Remember that week? I do.
- Ninth grade. - One of the boys on the chess team?
Oh, E. You could have never gotten this girl. Never.
Beth Mariposa. Had a mouth like a Dyson vacuum.
- Never lost suction... - OK, Ari, big week. Why are we here?
- To talk business. - Shoot.
- Who are you taking to the premiere? - I'm gonna roll with the boys.
You're not gonna roll the red carpet with the Three Musketeers.
- Two. I'm bringing Sloan. - Perfect.
Let Vinnie walk the rug with her. She's too hot for you.
- He's worried. - Definitely.
- What am I worried about? - That the movie won't open.
- We shoulda taken a job. - Should we have taken another job?
You take a job after we open. Any job you want.
He always said, "You take your next job before the last one opens."
That was your quote.
I amended it when you got James Cameron and the biggest movie ever.
- He's nervous. - Definitely.
I am not nervous. We are all good.
But this is the biggest night of your life.
This is your coming out party. This ain't Head On.
We want to make a statement that says, "I am a man now, not a boy."
Let's be classy.
You've been banging every girl west of Sepulveda for six months.
Pick one skank that's gonna photograph well. Boom!
That does sound classy.
For the love of God, help me out here.
I agree it's a big night. If you take someone you gotta be smart.
She'll be linked to you so she has to be premiere-worthy.
OK. All right.
I just don't think any of my "west of Sepulveda" skanks fit the bill.
Bottom line, there's only one woman in my life who really is premiere-worthy.
- Who? - Ma.
Aquamom! I love it. Boom!
There's no way Ma's coming to LA, bro.
- No way. - We'll see.
She's never come before. Why would she now?
- She won't. - We'll see.
- Why do you keep saying, "We'll see"? - I got a plan.
- What kind of plan? - You'll see.
Power 106, Big Boy's neighbourhood.
Vincent Chase is in the hood!
The movie is Aquaman. Premieres Wednesday.
- It's huge. It's everywhere. - Everywhere.
My question to you, Vince, is... how is it?
I begged Ma to come to my Viking Quest DVD release party.
She said no. What would possibly get her to come to this?
Look at these two.
One on the left is from the 50 Cent video.
Video hos. I love it.
What the fuck are you looking at?
I'm just playing with you, sweetie.
Flirty video hos. Even better.
- So, Big Boy, I need a favour. - Anything for Aquaman. I got you.
I need you to call the most beautiful woman in the world
and ask her to be my date for the premiere.
That's done. Get Halle Berry on the phone for him.
Actually, Halle Berry doesn't even hold a candle to this woman.
OK, now... Roll him out.
That's blasphemy. That'll get you cut up in here.
- It's my mother. - OK, I'm sorry.
- Good plan. - We'll see.
Ma will not cave in to public pressure. No way.
- Hello? - Hello, Mrs Chase?
- Yeah? - It's Big Boy. You're live on the radio.
Power 106 in Los Angeles.
If I haven't won anything, let me save you the time.
- Hey, Ma, don't hang up. - Vincent, is that you?
- Yes, and we're live so don't curse. - Please don't curse.
What do you mean we're live?
Don't do this to me. I'm standing here in a robe.
Ma, no one can see you. Calm down and don't curse.
What am I, an animal? Please stop saying that.
- Is your brother with you? - He's outside.
- Has he gotten any work? - Don't worry about Johnny.
We'll talk about him later. I want to talk to you, OK?
You're brothers?
- Yeah. - I'm a close cousin.
Over the radio you need to talk to me?
I want you to come to the LA premiere with me.
This is not the forum for this discussion.
- She is not coming. - Of course not.
- What's the issues? - She doesn't like to travel.
- That's an issue. - All right.
I don't need the whole world thinking I'm a lunatic.
Look. I haven't been out of New York in 30 years.
- She's breaking. - Not even close.
- Putting me live on the radio... - Ma, you know what?
Forget about the 100 million potentially heartbroken listeners
- and listen for a second. - Oh, fuck, Vincent.
- Mama Gangster. - I knew she'd curse.
- Cos she's breaking. - No way.
Yeah, baby?
I love you and I've never pressured you to come out.
Not for any of my premieres, not when I bought my house.
But I didn't realise what a big night this was.
It's important to me that I share it with you.
So I'll send a boat, I'll send a plane.
I'll do whatever I have to do,
but I want you by my side when I walk down that red carpet.
- This is moving shit. - Still won't work.
- Yeah? - All right.
I will do it. I'm coming.
You got yourself a date!
I can't believe it. She better come to my next premiere.
Why don't you guys take us to this premiere?
- Yeah. - Absolutely.
There's no more tickets. What do you want?
- More tickets. - Just two.
Don't make a big deal out of it. I'm still stinging cos Ma favours Vince.
Ari gave you 50 tickets.
You want more have Vince call him and ask him.
Vince, will you call Ari and ask him for two more tickets?
Please, Vince! We peaked too early. Don't punish us.
How were we to know best in show would appear so late?
Let me ask you a question. What's so special about these two?
These two will fuck us if we take 'em.
- Guaranteed. - How do you know?
Cos they said, "If you take us we'll fuck you."
Call Ari.
Are these for Vince or more for Turtle and Drama?
- They're for Vince, Ari. - Don't lie to me, E.
Your business manager's on the phone.
I'm in the gym until 11:30. I need two more tickets for Vince.
We don't have any more.
Take two from Jimmy Woods, he never uses them all.
- OK, but your business manager, Ari. - The gym, Lloyd. The fucking gym!
It's pretty urgent.
It's pretty urgent that in the 15 minutes a day I have free
I take the time to keep this body fit.
Not just so you have a great ass to look at - I want to live.
He says that you bounced a cheque to your kids' school.
So... you'll just send those tickets over, Ari?
Thanks.
No wonder everyone at the book drive was staring at me.
They were staring because you're hot. The other mommies are ugly.
This is so humiliating. I had no idea we were in this amount of trouble, Ari!
It's not like this was tuition. This was our charitable donation.
25,000-bucks-a-year tuition so a six-year-old can play with blocks
and they still want a charitable donation? This won't affect our kids.
- We'll never see the kids this affects. - Tell me what you need now.
Now that you ask, we gotta pay off the staff, we got rent...
- What's the number? - 100 grand.
- Jesus! - Come on, baby. I'm on fumes here.
It'll float me until I get the settlement from Terence.
Well, I have dipped into my personal savings five times already.
"What's mine is yours."
- Sell your car. - Sell your fucking watch.
You eat at The Palm four nights a week.
Do I ever order the lobster?
No, I order the Gigi salad and I sign clients.
The master plan is happening here.
The seeds have been planted all over this town. You know that.
They just need a little water.
But when are they gonna grow?
Vinnie opens on Friday. He is the first seed to bloom.
- He'll be the biggest star. You know that. - No, Ari. I don't.
Well, you need to know that I know that.
Trust me the way you trust your daddy's trust fund.
You call them personal savings but you haven't saved shit personally.
Whatever, Ari.
My father put that money aside in case something happened and it's almost gone.
I could've banged Heidi Klum when she was 23 but I took a pass.
- What the fuck is gonna make me leave? - You could die.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Not until I saw that the life insurance cheque didn't bounce.
- What do you think about this? - I like it.
Ma would look great in that. What about this?
- Look how excited you are. - Does that make me a pussy?
No, it makes you a man. A very handsome one.
- What size is she? - I don't know. E?
I don't know women's dress sizes and I don't look at your mom's body.
You don't? I look at your mom's.
Shut the fuck up.
We'll take this whole rack in different sizes.
Nice when you're on commissions.
Let's find me a dress that makes my tits pop.
You have me walking up. Do you know how much these shoes cost?
Of course. I fucking paid for them.
And you told me I was gonna meet Jim Cameron.
We were supposed to have lunch last week.
- Jim Cameron, I love that. - You know what?
Now where are we? This fucking place.
- This way. - How do you know?
- I don't know. - You don't know.
Please.
Fucking elevator's broken, Lloyd. Are you aware?
Yes. Hi, Mr Woods.
So this is the shithole he works out of.
- You haven't been here? - No, he hides this place like Anne Frank.
Get your own girlfriend.
Mr Woods, did you get your premiere tickets?
Some of them, Lloyd. Some.
- Hello? - Johnny Drama.
It seems that we made a terrible mistake.
The tickets we sent you belong to James Woods.
Oh, yeah? That sucks.
Yes, it sucks. And I need them back.
- No go. - Fuck that.
Lloyd, possession is two-fifths of the law.
- Get Woods two more. - There are no more.
Mr James Woods is very unhappy and he wants them back.
Sorry, bro, but you tell Jimmy Woods - and this is from me personally -
if he wants 'em he can come and get 'em.
Fuck Jimmy Woods.
I heard.
Is this for your date?
- He's taking his mother. - That's sweet.
I can't decide. Should I take 'em all?
If you're desperate for frequent flyer mileage.
I'm gonna take them all.
Here, take my card too. In case you need anything else.
Just say what you really mean.
- Hello? - Eric, it's your other mother.
Hey, Rita. Why aren't you on the plane?
- Eric, is Vince with you? - Yeah, are you OK?
- Hold on. - No, don't get him.
Look, I'm at the airport. I can't do it.
I can't get on the plane. I've been in the limo for over an hour.
- Did you miss your flight? - I'm not coming.
- Let me put Vince on. - No, don't, please.
I can't have him guilt-tripping me about this.
Tell him I love him. Tell him I miss him.
Tell him to wear a suit.
Tell him I'm very sorry. Bye-bye.
- Ari? - No, it was your mother.
She's not on the plane?
Sweetie, just calm, OK?
Of course.
Holy shit, it's Woods.
- Hey, Drama, it's Jimmy Woods. - What?
Hello?
I need my tickets.
What tickets, Jimmy?
Drama, look, I got a... I got a big day for the...
You know, I got to get a facial. Just give me the fucking tickets.
No.
How about... How about you got five seconds
to give me... my fucking tickets?
Five.
Or what?
You gonna huff and puff and blow the house down?
How about I'm gonna knock this door down
and come in and shove your head up Turtle's ass?
Give me my fucking tickets! You got five seconds!
You pussy.
A clever pussy.
There are no tickets in that envelope.
Sneaky sneaky.
- Fuck with me? - Remember your blood pressure.
- My blood pressure up the ass. - Just...
I've got medicine for this shit, OK?
I've got so many fucking pills I feel like I work for Pfizer.
- Come here. - All right.
I'll see you tomorrow night, Vince! And up your ass!
I got it. Jessica Biel.
- Take Jessica Biel, Vince. - I don't know Jessica Biel, Turtle.
So get to know her and get to bang her.
- Or get to know her so I can bang her. - OK, I'll do my best.
- Don't take someone famous. - Why?
They'll overshadow him.
I learned that from Tom Sizemore
when he brought Heidi Fleiss to the Black Hawk Down premiere.
Bringing a hooker's probably not a good idea either.
I wasn't going with Ma for the press and I won't go with anybody else for the press.
I'll go by myself. It's no big deal.
Thanks for dinner, Johnny. I'm gonna go get changed.
Meeting the jewellery store girl.
- He's bummed. - He loves strawberries.
Ma must be bummed too, missing something big.
Nah, Ma doesn't care if she misses things
as long as no one else she knows catches them.
Ma can be very petty.
What? What's with the look?
- I've got a plan. - What, now he's got a plan?
For my ma, everyone's got a plan.
I hope you're not thinking what I hope you're not thinking.
What do you hope he's not thinking?
- Make the call to her. - I'm not making the call.
You're making the call. Now make the fucking call.
- What call? - It will ruin the whole night.
It's not your night, Turtle, it's Vince's. Make the call.
Fuck.
- What time is it back east? - 10:30.
Someone tell me how you did this.
- Quit your whining. - Seriously.
Why ruin the surprise?
Just worry about how you're gonna get Ma to my next big event.
The good news is you'll have plenty of time to plan for that one.
You're funny.
I can't believe this. How did you do it?
Holy shit!
Hysterical!
Yeah, it's real funny.
Best pussy night of the year and we just destroyed it.
Always hugs him first. I am your firstborn, Ma.
- Did you bring a dress, Ma? - I'm gonna wear this.
- Fucking idiot. - Nice way to travel.
Where is Sloan? I'm dying to meet her.
Soon, Mom. Tonight at the premiere.
I'm glad I came. This is gonna be fun.
- Limo's coming at 6:30. - I'll be back.
- Pick up my suit from the tailor? - I'm going to the fucking tailor!
To pick up the new fucking $5,000 suit that I fucking paid for.
What? I've heard a lot worse come out of your wife's mouth, Phil!
Oh, my God.
When you do a comic book character it's critical that everything be real.
We had to devise a way for Vince to breathe underwater.
- Do you have our tickets? - We couldn't get 'em.
- Who's that animal? - What do you mean?
- I got my hair pressed for this shit. - Next time, ladies, next time.
I play Avedon, a brutal and corrupt businessman
hellbent on world domination,
so I'm not sure how much I really identify with such a character.
Oh, hey! Whoa, look at this! Look at this.
Now, here's the real star of the Chase family,
Johnny Chase.
God, this guy... Did you ever see Viking Quest?
You're probably too young. I love this guy!
Johnny Chase, nice to see you.
OK, buddy, take it easy.
- Big movie, you look handsome. - Thank you.
- And you look lovely. - Thank you.
- So tell me, how do you feel? - I feel great.
I'm so proud to be part of this movie
and James Cameron is simply a genius. What can I say?
Yes, he is. He's coming up right behind you.
OK, don't party too late tonight.
If they don't like the movie, reshoots 8:00am tomorrow, OK?
- He's serious too. - Go get 'em, Vinnie.
- He looks good out there. - He's gonna be a huge star.
- You really believe that? - I know it.
- Vincent, over here! - I trust you.
- But still no lobsters. - I love you.
English
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