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Why, Ari, why?
- I'm in bed, E. Talk dirty to me. - It's five in the morning.
- What are you wearing? - Fuck you.
I love it when you say "fuck." Say it again.
Come on, E. It's game day, buddy.
Wake up. This is our tradition.
Only this time, we're playing for keeps.
No Pixar squirrel is going to stop us.
It's number one or bust, kid.
- You sound confident. - Not a worry in the world.
- So what are we hoping for? - 95 mil is what they're projecting.
- And what's good? - 95 mil, Eric. That would be good.
Expectations. Beat 'em by a dollar, great.
Under by a dollar, put a gun in your mouth and make sure I'm behind you.
OK, keep in touch, Ari.
Game day, baby. No go, no go.
- You'll talk dirty to E... - Come on.
- It's been three weeks. - I know.
Just after we open, baby. Then we're all good.
And if we don't open?
If we don't open? If we don't open? What do you mean by that?
Would you say that to a fighter? "You may get knocked out. See you if you're not in a coma"?
Don't jinx this, baby. Not today.
Three soft-boiled eggs,
boiled chicken, wheat toast with jam.
It's not a signature Johnny Drama breakfast,
but nothing will upset your stomach.
- Thanks, Johnny, but I'm not stressed. - You're hiding it, bro.
This is a big one. You may not know you're stressed but trust me, you are stressed.
Moviefone says there's at 2:30 in Northridge.
The Valley? What are you, crazy? Lt'll reach 100 degrees in the city today.
Vince wants to go to an out-of-the-way place.
Vince, you know my policy.
Except for work, I only go to the Valley November through March.
Even then, only the sushi row.
Come on, Johnny, go for me.
- I'd better hydrate. - What do you think we'll open at, Vin?
- Oh, God. - Come on. I don't play this game.
Let's fuck around a little. Pick a number.
- Stop freaking him out. - I'm not freaking out.
I know we'll open. It's a foregone conclusion. I'm not worried.
- So pick a number. - OK.
50 million.
- Would that be good? - That would be terrible, Vince.
- Really? - This movie opens at $50 million,
- we're working at Del Taco on Monday. - What do we need?
- The studio's projecting 95. - 95? Nice.
Fuck 95. I got a little projection of my own.
114,844, 117.
- How is that? - $1 more than Spider-Man made.
We do any less, I'll consider the movie a flop.
Idiot. Spider-Man is the biggest movie opening ever.
Plus Spider-Man had a much bigger fan base than Aquaman to begin with. Can't happen.
We got James Cameron. And those eyes. It can happen.
- Think we got a shot to topple Spidey, E? - Let's just topple 95.
I'll tell you what, if we do beat Spider-Man,
y'all are getting something sick, know that.
- How sick? - What do you mean by sick?
It's all in there. Listen...
- It's not even ten and it's burning up out there. - I know. My widget says it's 96 already.
What's a widget? Why are you sitting like that?
- Are you wearing a butt plug? - No!
I brought you this for luck on the opening today.
What is this, a little Tae Bo instructor?
That is an authentic 12th-century Yong Shi warrior, Ari.
A Mongolian symbol of strength. If you carry him, you cannot be stopped.
This is Hollywood. The only thing Mongolian is barbecue, but thanks.
And... I got you in with Dr Marcus at 4:30.
- Dr Marcus? - Yeah.
Your wife called and said she needed an emergency session.
Why didn't you tell her I didn't have time?
- Because you do have time. - Why didn't you lie?
Cos I'm scared of your wife, Ari.
Yeah, me too. Maybe if I rub this little guy's balls, she'll disappear.
We're going to the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara.
Don't kid yourself, E. North of Ventura Boulevard is Hell's waiting room. Be prepared.
We'll have to stop every 20 feet for you to take a leak.
That's what the empties are for.
Don't even think about pulling your dick out in my car.
Aquaman's making waves, pal.
The first East Coast numbers are in.
They're projecting 100 mil.
That is great news.
The movie gods are smiling on us today.
It's still early. We can do better, right?
I thought I was greedy. The over-and-under is 95. We hit 100, I got wood.
I'm just saying. I mean, Spider-Man did what, 114?
- Is there any way we can beat that? - Spider-Man?
Who said anything about Spider-Man?
Eric. Tell me that Vinnie doesn't think we'll beat the biggest opening in movie history.
I'll tell you what. Manage your client's expectations.
Do your job. Thank you for ruining my day.
We all good?
- I thought you're not worried about that stuff. - I'm not.
I don't wanna know anything till it's official.
- Can't we know? - Let's roll.
103...
My God.
- 104! - Unbelievable.
- Shit. - 105.
- Eat that, Drama. - Inhuman.
I guess it's true, the heat really does affect the elderly.
Yeah, Drama, I haven't seen somebody sweat like that since Patrick Ewing retired.
Great Mother of God.
- Fuck. Dude, we got a monster, Vince. - It's one theatre. Don't get crazy.
- How will we get seats? - Who are you talking to?
There's four taped off for us in the back as we speak.
And all it cost us...
was a signed copy of the new Aquaman game.
Nice job, Turtle.
I'm making a run for cooler pastures.
What do you think?
They're loving it.
Wait till they get a load of the end of this scene.
Christ, where's this jerkoff going?
Hey, pal. You wanna sit down?
You're about to miss the best part of the movie.
I have to use the bathroom.
Sit down.
I dropped my monkey!
No, come back!
Here it comes!
- What the fuck? - Shit, projector must have gone out.
It's not just the projector.
We lost the central air.
...waiting for two hours!
Sorry, folks. It's a blackout.
Please calmly file into the lobby and we'll refund your money.
Refund their money? They already saw half the movie. Fuck that.
- Shut the fuck up! - Give them free popcorn!
- Holy crap! Aquaman! - Dude, what are you doing here?
- Just checking out the movie like you guys. - Who's guarding the throne of Poseidonis?
It's about to be a madhouse here.
- I'm gonna go get the car. - Fire up the AC.
The movie's great. We caught the ten am showing too.
That harpoon fight was badass.
- Hear that? They thought I was badass. - I heard.
Vince, was that seahorse you rode animatronic or computer generated?
Animatronic.
Yes! You owe me 20.
That is him!
- My God! - Can I have your autograph, Vince?
We made it.
Now, let's get back to civilisation. Please.
I begged you to take the 101,
but you had to take the Canyon.
- It's more scenic. - Just get me home, please.
All the lights are out, Drama. What shall I do?
You know, it looks like the whole area is blacked out. I'm gonna call Ari.
Hey, I was just dialling you.
That must mean we're destined to be in love.
Yeah. You having a blackout too?
Not since I took four Quaaludes and forgot I fucked Chantal Lautenberg. Why?
We're in Northridge. It's blacked out. Will this affect the numbers?
I didn't even know Northridge survived the '94 quake.
Don't worry about that. You with Vinnie?
Be very cool.
Do not get him excited, but the first West Coast numbers are in,
- and they're big. - Go on.
- Eight-legs big, bitch. - Get the fuck out of here.
The webcrawler is in our sights, Eric, and I want to squash that fucker!
So do I, Ari. All right, thanks.
What?
Nothing.
- Fuck you, nothing. What? - Not until it's official, right?
Fuck official. I don't want you to know anything I don't.
Is it Spider-Man?
- Spidey, E? - Say something, dick.
Speak now or I'm throwing you out of the car.
Spider-Man is in our sights.
I knew it! Fuck you, Tobey!
- It's not definite though, Vince. - Yeah, I know.
Cool. Let's buy some toys anyway to celebrate.
I know a place.
But not in the Valley. They got toys in the city, Vince.
How do you know this area, Turtle?
Best rub-and-tug in California was next door.
They probably moved to Santa Monica where it's cool.
There she is.
- Ducatis. - Sweet.
This is the one for me, Vince, the fastest production bike on the road.
It's yours.
I appreciate it, but I'm not a motorcycle guy, and I'm not gonna take a gift just to take it.
You neither, Johnny?
- You know I hate rice rockets, Vince. - Ducati's Italian.
Regardless, it's still a foreign job. I'm a Harley man.
Didn't you have one when you came here?
Yeah, I had to hock it to Michael Madsen after a couple of bleak pilot seasons.
God, I loved that bike.
Why don't we go and make him an offer he can't refuse?
You serious?
God, you're a fucking prince, bro.
You know, he's also got a watch of mine.
Mr Chase, have you decided yet?
Yes, we have.
We'll take four of these.
Maybe you guys will grow to love 'em.
Not again.
So when is the last time you had sex?
- With each other or... - If you're not taking this seriously...
I am. It's just, for the money we're spending,
I could get you a pro to service your most bizarre fetishes.
- See? This is what I'm dealing with. - Come on.
Don't.
It's Vince.
Don't you feel that a lacking sexual relationship is a big problem in a marriage?
I do, Doc, but we fuck more than any other married couple you know.
And I know this because, whenever we go out with another married couple
and the subject comes up, they always say, "I can't believe how often you guys fuck."
- It's Vince, baby. - I don't give a fuck.
You know, after the year that I've had and on the most important day of my life,
you'd think that she would ask me what I wanted?
A nice blow job, perhaps,
where I could just sit back for the first time in nine months
and do nothing but admire the top of her head and pray that this fucking movie opens
so I can stop selling off assets like we're fucking Michael Jackson.
I have to answer the Batphone
when it rings three fucking times and it's fucking Vince, OK?
Eric, speak.
There's been another blackout in the Valley.
You need a fucking night-light? Get back over the hill. And don't call me back unless...
- Fuck me. - What's going on, Ari?
I'm gonna call you back.
Can we prorate this session, please?
- He's gonna call us back. - Anything to worry about?
Great.
We're being stalked by Devo.
- This isn't a coincidence. - No, we followed you.
- Replenish. - We wanted to know
if you guys wanted to come to a party.
It's our big graduation bash.
High school party? Sorry, kid,
we don't go to parties where the girls ain't legal.
Although we do like 'em barely legal.
Come on, Vince, come with us. It'll be like Almost Famous.
- Hey, I like that movie. - Vince, I'm burning up here.
Another hour and my kidneys may shut down.
They've got a pool.
- Really? - Yeah, it'll be great.
It'll be a lot easier to get in with you there, Vince.
So that's it? You guys need Vince to get you into the party.
Turtle, you still can't get into Teddy's without Vince.
- Do you wanna go? - Fuck it. It'll take hours to get home anyway.
So you'll come?
- Yeah, we'll come. - All right!
Aquaman to the rescue!
Did kids look this young when we went to school?
- In Drama's eighth year they did. - Six years, assholes.
And like I did for these maggots, I'll do for you.
Someone gives you guys a hard time about being here,
Johnny Drama's got your back.
Thanks. There are some really tough kids at this school.
Come on, I'm from New York.
Who the fuck let nerds in my house?
- Here we go. - Drama's gonna get his ass kicked.
- Hey, Kessler. - Who let you losers in?
- These guys are with us. - Who the fuck are you?
He's my brother. Sorry, we were just passing by, we saw the party, we figured we'd drop in.
Holy shit. You're Vince Chase.
You're with these two?
Jay and Reggie? They're my cousins. It's cool. We'll find another party.
Oh, no. No, you stay.
Reggie and Jay, stay. This old guy, he can stay too.
- You need a beer, Vince? - That'd be good.
- Thanks. - Holy shit, Vince Chase.
Hey, everyone, fuckin' Aquaman is at my house!
Give me something good, Ari.
There's nothing good at all, E. Nothing good.
- Why? What's happening? - Massive, rolling blackouts from the heat.
They're hitting the whole fucking coast from San Francisco down to San Diego.
Shit. Well, I guess we can kiss Spider-Man goodbye.
Forget Spider-Man. I just named two of the most populated cities in the whole country.
- So what does that mean, Ari? - That we are fucked.
We took a massive hit on the midday numbers and now they are projecting 85.
Jesus Christ. What am I gonna tell Vince?
What you've been saying all day. Nothing! Keep your mouth shut until it's official.
- When's that gonna be? - In a few hours, all right?
I want you to email me your address
and I will come and tell him with you, all right?
What happened to the music?
It's a blackout, baby! Into the pool!
Our moms say Reggie looked exactly like I did when I was his age. You don't see it?
- A little, I guess. - And you're related to Jay too?
We're practically like brothers. You girls should take care of these two.
I'm gonna get a drink. Want anything?
- All good, Vince. - Good to hear it, Reggie.
Jay.
Life is good!
Any word?
- No, nothing official. - What does that mean?
An hour ago we're the biggest opening ever, and now we're a disaster?
Yeah, well, fucking blackouts.
Fucking blackouts. This is why I don't like to get caught up in this shit.
- You shouldn't let me get caught up in it. - Come on.
I know, I know. I asked.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Look at these kids. This used to be us.
We used to talk about coming to Hollywood.
- It wasn't about money. - No, it wasn't.
Fuck it. We're not gonna let this town make it about money now.
- Let's get hammered. - With 17-year-olds?
- We'll make their night. - All right.
Blackouts?
Fucking blackouts?
Thank you very much!
The town will understand, Ari. It's not the movie's fault.
Baby, it wasn't the Cubs' fault when that douchebag grabbed the foul ball either,
but they still don't get a World Series ring.
There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards,
and ours is currently reading "Fucked".
There's nothing you can do about it now,
so why don't you sit down and relax?
I can't relax until I tell Vinnie. I gotta go to the Valley.
After the call.
And who knows when that will be?
Isn't it a bit convenient the kids are at your mother's?
Ari, I've been patient, but now, whatever happens is totally out of your control.
So let's go upstairs.
Fine, but I'm not gonna like it.
Oh, really?
All right, I may like it just a little bit.
I don't want you to hear this. I could cry.
I have to go to the Valley. I promise, when I get back, no matter what,
we'll dent that headboard.
I guarantee you, you will not walk right tomorrow.
Tell me something good.
So you work with Vince?
Is it fun?
You don't talk much.
Not to high school girls. No offence.
I'm not in high school. This is my little brother's party. I'm just chaperoning.
That was a real creepy turn.
You may have a couple pounds on me but nothing outweighs experience.
You ready?
Are you ready?
Hey, everybody!
Do you know how good your lives are right now?
My boys are here from high school and we wish we could be back living like this!
- What the fuck is he doing? - He wanted his Almost Famous moment.
- I told you not to say anything till it was official. - What the fuck is the difference?
Ari is in the Valley?
Holy shit, we really must be fucked, huh?
What are they projecting now? 45, Ari?
- 116, actually. - What?
- 116, kid! - How's that possible?
You guys ever hear of a hanging chad?
Where the fuck am I? Listen, the biggest thing the blackouts affected
were the actual reporting of the numbers.
- We beat Spider-Man? - It's only Friday,
but if there isn't a tornado in the Midwest, we've got a good shot, my friend.
Hey, everybody, you've got the biggest movie star on the planet on your roof right now.
It's all you, baby!
- Number one, baby. - Yeah! Do it!
So, whose dad is this?
I don't know. Why don't you throw him in the pool?
Fuck you, throw me in the pool. Hey, Kong, go get us some beers.
- Put him in! Put him in! - Go, go!
You little fuck, these are $900 shoes!
You guys are not gonna believe this!
Those two girls? The most untouchable girls in school. But guess what?
They like you.
They wanna hang in my basement.
Basement! Nice!
But we can't all fit on the Vespa.
You can't roll chicks in a Vespa, bro.
We were hoping maybe you could give us a lift.
A lift?
I can't do that.
But what I can do is this.
Turtle, give our new best friends the keys to the Mas'.
There you go.
That is so cool! You're lending us your car?
- No. - How do we get it back to you?
You don't. You return it to the Beverly Hills Maserati dealership.
Your lease ends at the end of August.
- No way. - Holy shit.
That was actually refreshing, but I have to go home to hammer the wife.
Give us a lift.
Anything to keep me away from my house. Come on, bro.
We out.
The Valley ain't so bad.
English
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