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Try this, motherfucker.
Who died?
No one yet.
- What? - Looks like I woke you up this time?
No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead.
Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something.
- No. - Then what do you want, cunt muscle?
Sorry about the family.
- Speak. - It's Monday morning,
we have the number one movie, and you promised us offers.
There will be offers.
Be in my office at 11:30 and you'll hear all about 'em.
- Nice. - Oh, and, E?
You have to get up a lot earlier than this to wake me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cunt muscle?
- Why hurry? - You don't want to be late for Ari.
- Not on a big day like today. - Seriously,
they're gonna be offering you everything under the sun. Get in.
- Shut the door. - Start the car, Turtle.
- Let's go. - Yo, cocksuckers, wait up.
- Fuck! - I see.
So I'm not getting everything under the sun?
Out, Turtle.
- When is this nightmare gonna end? - It's not gonna, so get used to it.
Sorry I overslept, boss.
- So where to? The Jew agent? - Whoa, Dom!
- You don't talk like that. - They frown upon "Jew"?
Seems you got a lot of problems with how I carry myself, E.
Just trying to help you avoid new problems.
What kind of new problems? I'm not the same old Dommy. I'm a new Dom.
I've been rehabilitated by the State of New York.
And if they believe in me, so should you.
Come on, Vinnie, you're making bank.
You can't get your boy a whole shirt?
- You talking to me? - Take it easy.
I don't want you to excite my man. He likes bad boys.
Aren't you, Lloyd?
Not.
Come on in, boys.
If the Oriental even looks at me, I'm taking him down.
Hey, Dom, you're out here with us.
- Right, Ari? - You know what?
Today only, I'm gonna open up my doors like Ellis fucking Island. Come on in.
Bedraggled wretched crew, watch me work my magic.
- He must have something good. - He must have something great.
Flight. Dead Poet's Society in space.
Character-driven, great script, Darren Aronofsky is directing.
They're offering you $8 million.
The Sandman. You are a retard at a Red Cross tent in the Sahara.
It's Being There meets Lawrence of Arabia.
David O Russell's directing, they're offering you $9 million.
Take it, Vin.
We got a stack of great ones just like those.
- So what's the point, Ari? - The point is they all want our boy,
- but what our boy wants, we gotta work for. - What do I want?
Is this what goes on in here?
The line starts behind me, motherfuckers.
This ain't blow. It's powdered cream.
- What the fuck is going on? - Yeah, what's up?
We're going to the coke capital of the world.
- Medellнn. - Medellнn?
Boom! You'll play Pablo Escobar, like you wanted.
- I thought that script was dead. - It was.
Then Phil Rubenstein gave it CPR. He saw Aquaman, and he loved it.
Holy shit!
- Who's Phil Rubenstein? - He's the animation king,
made like $600 trillion.
Made like, Madagascar and Shrek.
And now he wants to work with real people, and he loves you.
- That's great! - That's not all.
Paul Haggis is directing it.
First thing since he crashed the Oscars.
- Paul Haggis? - He loves you too. Only one problem,
- we gotta get Phil Rubenstein to say yes. - How do we do that?
We go to Santa Barbara and we charm his pants off.
He's gonna throw a kickoff party for his new cult wine,
- and he invited us. - Us?
I do know my wines.
I have to clear it with my parole officer if I'm going across county lines.
- Can the boys come? - They can come. He needs sleeves.
Tell this guy he can show you the money or tell him he can suck your dick.
Dom, it's a little more complicated than that.
The agent told Vince he has multimillions in offers waiting.
But you're making him beg. Hope you don't think I'm out of line.
Not at all, you're making some good points.
Thanks, Vince.
How good is this shirt gonna look on me?
Not as good as it already looks on me.
Too slow to the draw, hombre.
You can change now.
- He's making good points? - Tell Ari I'm not going to Santa Barbara.
Vince, this is the movie we wanted to do.
It's a chance for you to act, get away from the bluescreen. This is our Scarface.
Tell him to make an offer. Cos I ain't kissing no fucking ass, man.
Are you serious?
No. You know I'd kill to do this movie.
But you said you were gonna try and get along with Dom.
I'm trying, but he doesn't know what he's talking about.
I'm trying to get him on his feet. Let him spin his wheels a little. It'll build his confidence.
- Will you just help me do that, please? - OK.
We gotta leave if we wanna beat Santa Barbara traffic.
Don't worry about the traffic, Turtle. I've arranged for us to skip it.
Really?
You know, sitting here in this expensive suit,
flying in this expensive helicopter,
going to an expensive guy's house,
I finally feel like I made something of my life.
Thanks, Vince.
I'd feel the same fucking way if I was wearing that shirt.
Look at this. This guy can make you a $10 million offer, no problem.
Once he hangs with Vince for five minutes,
- that's what he'll do. - Exactly.
Vince, being charming is all about body language, bro.
Vince knows how to charm, Drama.
Yeah, women, but man charm is a totally different animal.
You gotta get in close enough to entice but not so close as to encroach.
Let's forget kissing-the-ring bullshit
and I get close to this guy while you're talking to him? Apply a little pressure.
No, Dom. It'd be really great if you don't talk to Rubenstein at all.
I didn't say I was gonna talk. I won't say a word. I'll just stare like this.
- You boys are looking sharp. - Thanks, Ari.
- I meant the other boys. - Which one's Rubensteinberg, Ari?
It's Rubenstein, and please, don't try to pronounce it again.
Vinnie, let's go get us a gig.
Hey, Vince, remember.
Not too close.
Any hard alcohol in this place?
Cos the pruno I made in the joint tastes better than this shit.
This wine is great, Phil.
- Congratulations. - I'm glad you like it, Vince.
And I just screened Aquaman and you were great.
Thanks. I just saw Madagascar with my nephew and that was really great.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
If you have any open animals in the sequel I'd love to be involved.
Great. What animal could you see yourself playing?
I don't know. A cheetah maybe?
A cheetah. That's great.
Great. You're both great. Let's make a deal.
Ari, could you leave Vince with me for a bit?
Yeah.
Great. Come on, Vince. I'll show you the vines where I handpick my pinots.
I get toffee, mocha...
...and a hint of terra firma.
Terra firma is dirt, Drama.
Yeah, well, wine comes from dirt, E.
I gotta take a leak. I'll be back.
It smells like lead pencils to me. What does it smell like to you?
- Don't stick a glass in my face, Turtle. - What's with the attitude?
- Vince will be fine. - They've been out there for 20 minutes.
I'm sure Vince is just charming his ass off.
It's just a matter of time before he locks the deal.
As long as Dom don't fuck it up. Look.
- Oh, fuck. - Jesus.
It's nice to see you still have your childhood friends around you.
Kid never forgot where he came from, never went Hollywood.
Except I think he tweezes his eyebrowses now.
Dom, let's go get a drink.
- I got a drink, E. - They're free.
- Come on, all right? - It's OK, Ari.
Talking to Dom, I get a real sense who Vince is and where he came from.
I'm sure Phil hung out with some crazy guys back where he's from.
Of course. In fact, I had a childhood friend in Great Neck
whose family was Jewish mafia.
The best kind.
How would you like to hear a story that will sum up exactly who Vince is, Phil?
I'd love to.
About ten years ago, me and Vince were out at some dive bar in Queens
and he hooks up with this hot piece of ass.
As usual. And he blows out.
Me, I stay, I get zonked out of my mind,
I stumble out into the middle of the street
and I see my fucking car's been stolen.
I don't know what to do, so I call the fuzz,
I fill out all the paperwork, but it's 40 below and I'm freezing my balls off.
So I ask 'em, "Can I stay in the back of the squad car?"
They say, "Yeah, sure, no problem." I'm sitting there, Phil, for 20 minutes
when it fucking hits me -
I didn't drive. My car wasn't stolen, it was parked at my house.
Funny story. Let me ask you, Phil...
That's not the funny part. Here's the funny part, Phil.
Cops run a check on my registration.
It comes back I got three bench warrants out for my arrest.
That's it. They got me.
I'm already locked in the back seat of their car.
Fucking idiot I am, I turn myself in by accident.
- That's hysterical, Dom. - And touching.
Cos I call Vince up, three in the morning,
and the kid busts open his piggy bank and bails my ass out.
And the best part? The hot broad that he had with him
had a good-looking sister. Right, Vince?
Still to this day, Phil, the best lay I ever had. That's the kind of guy Vince is.
He's a brother to me, and I love him.
- To friendship. - There we go.
Now you've said something there.
You mad I told that story, E?
- No, it was a good story. - Great story.
Except it was me that bailed you out and picked up the two hot sisters.
What? What were you drinking tonight?
Paging Mr Escobar.
- Mr Pablo Escobar. - Don't fuck with me, Ari.
You're gonna get an offer in the morning.
- Are you sure? - I am sure.
- Thank you! - Thank you, Vinnie.
Rubenstein said he could tell that you're a street kid.
Thanks to Dom's story.
- Come on, man. - Dom, you did a good job.
- Tell him, E. - Nope.
Great job, Dom. Come here!
Going to Colombia, baby!
I'm getting used to him, but could we soundproof his room?
You got it, Turtle.
- So we got an offer? - No, we got a problem.
Don't tell me that, Ari. You said you were sure.
I was. Just got off the phone with Rubenstein's people.
Somebody robbed his house at the party last night.
- What? - Stole the original Shrek doll
right out of its apparently impossible-to-break-into case.
- Jesus. - Cops are all over it.
E, if this comes up smelling bad for us, you can kiss Bogotб goodbye.
- Why would it come up bad for us? - I'm thinking about your new housemate.
- Ari, there were 300 people there. - 299 of them didn't serve time!
- That's a big accusation. - I'm not making it.
But when Rubenstein, who is so distraught he can't get out of bed,
remembers Dom's little jailhouse stories, he will.
- So what did they get? - The original Shrek doll.
You can rule out Turtle. He'd only take a doll he could fuck.
- They got any leads? - No, but Ari thinks he does.
- Morning, fellas. - Morning, Dom.
Hey, Vin, any way you could spot me a couple of bucks?
I found this new service. The broads are hotter but pricier.
No problem. On my dresser.
Be right back to season out the blandness of Drama's cooking.
- E, No way. - I don't want to point the finger,
but I'd like to be sure before everyone else does.
We'll talk to him, but there's no way.
Hey, you want us to sweep the house for that doll? Just in case?
- No. - Yes. Just in case.
Let me guess. I'm making too much noise with the whores.
I can ask them to bring it down.
They fake those screams. They're just for effects anyway.
The girls are fine, Dom.
So what's up? You got me real nervous here.
Somebody robbed Rubenstein's house last night,
- took something very valuable. - And you think it was me?
- I hate asking. - You are askin'. Or is E askin'?
We both hate asking, but the cops are gonna ask
and we'd feel better if we spoke to you first.
Jesus Christ. My past will always haunt me.
- I'm sorry, Dom. - Nah, you shouldn't be.
Truth is, I have stolen. Plenty.
And I hurt lots of people in my lifetime.
But I didn't do this.
I mean, you guys know me since I'm eight years old.
Have I ever done anything to hurt either of you?
No.
And now that you've been so good to me, and allowed me back into your home
like no time has passed, why would I do this now?
- You believe me, right, Vin? - I believe you, Dom.
Yeah, Dom. I believe you.
You're out of your fucking mind.
I played poker with this guy, he has a worse tell than Malkovich in Rounders.
- Did you see him? - I don't remember that.
- It's disgusting, stop! - Vince, I'm telling you, he did it.
I'm telling you I don't think he did.
- Should we hit a titty bar? - It's ten in the morning.
- I don't see shit. - Yeah, me neither.
Now, put that stuff back the way it was.
Was the red shirt on top or was the white?
You gotta be kidding me. I told you to remember exactly what everything was like.
I forgot, OK? So what do you suggest I do now?
- Throw those out. - What?
Those two shirts, throw 'em out.
If he sees that things are out of order,
he's gonna think we were snooping around in here.
But if it's just gone, the fuck's he gonna say?
- Brilliant. - Just do it, Turtle, and keep looking.
Where? We looked everywhere.
Yo, they're coming, they're coming!
Don't be so panicky.
- We didn't do anything wrong. - Did you find anything?
No, but I may have figured out a way
- to descramble the pay-per-view. - For real?
- Yeah. - Nice.
Fuck are you guys doing?
We were just checking out the plumbing.
- You find anything? - No. All clear.
We gonna be able to get Spice?
It represents a turning point in my life!
Phil, I understand you're upset. I am upset for you, OK?
But you can't just go randomly pointing a finger. This is America.
- My maid saw him upstairs, Ari. - Maybe he had to use the bathroom.
Because there was a problem with the ten I have downstairs?
Phil, I feel for your loss, I do.
But we can't go throwing away a huge movie
that's gonna be as special as Shrek someday
based on a hunch.
A hunch got me to drop out of law school against my family's wishes.
And I have a hunch now that I know who did this.
I don't even care about catching him. I just want my doll back!
Come on, we'll make a Pablo Escobar doll and put it in Shrek's place.
- The doll or Medellнn? - The doll or Medellнn.
- Well, we don't have the doll. - Then you don't have Medellнn.
Do you think I'm hiding the fucking thing?
What I think is that you guys have got blinders on.
I think you grew up in a place where it's OK to accuse anyone who didn't go to Harvard.
I grew up in a place where if you're accused of something,
chances are you've done something wrong.
Vince doesn't think he did it, so what do you want me to say?
Tell me if you think he did it.
- So you do. - That doesn't matter. We need proof.
Oh, is that all? Well, why don't we go get some?
I only brought five shirts with me and two of them are gone.
- Can't help you, Dom. - 40% of my wardrobe goes missing
- and you guys don't know dick about it? - Nope.
They don't wear your size, Dom.
Hey, what's going on?
What's going on is we know Dom took the doll.
- I got proof. - Fuck you, you don't got shit.
Listen, you return the doll and everything will be forgiven, OK?
There's nothing to forgive cos I don't got it.
- What proof do you have? - Security tapes from Rubenstein's house.
You think the guy's got a billion dollars and doesn't have cameras everywhere?
The jig is up, baby.
- He's bluffing. - Am I?
I didn't steal it, so I can't be on that tape.
- I'm gonna press play. - Press it.
If I'm on there I'll suck your cock on Rodeo Drive.
But if I'm not, I'm gonna crack open your fuckin' head.
- Either way, I lose. - Either way you lose,
- so fuckin' press the button. - All right, you ready?
Jesus, Ari. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Any shots of us at the bat mitzvah?
- I'll fuckin' kill him! - Easy!
Put Shrek back in his cage! I did this to save your ass.
- Get the fuck out. - Everyone knows he did it.
- This is the worst thing you've ever done. - I'll call you later. I'm leaving on my own.
- Hey, Vince. - Fuck you too, Eric.
- And fuck you guys. - What did we do?
Dom's our boy since we were kids.
Have we gone so Hollywood we forget how to treat family?
Fuck this movie, E.
In fact, fuck Hollywood.
I would rather be working at the Dairy Barn than to listen to people accuse my boy.
You know why? Cos I know Dom would never intentionally do anything to fuck me over.
You know, don't you?
- I do now. - Know what?
- How? - You scratched your neck
when you told Ari he was bluffing.
- Really? - That was his tell in cards,
not that stupid shit you keep doing.
- I feel like shit about this. - Where the fuck is it, Dom?
- I knew we needed a strip-search. - You knew you wanted a strip-search.
- You could have cost Vince this movie. - I didn't mean to.
- Why did you do it? - I seen Shrek like 400 times in the joint,
cos you can't watch adult content.
And when I saw it, I just grabbed it.
I was gonna put it back, I swear to my mother,
but this maid kept looking at me the whole night like she knew.
Thought about taking her out to protect you.
But then I thought it was just best to deny. No excuses.
But I am sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry too, Dom.
- I'm gonna go see if I can catch Ari. - I'd wash that.
That little monster spent the night inside the most unsavoury woman.
Jesus. Here, put that in the sink.
And I wouldn't call Ari. I wouldn't even return it. No body, no crime.
He said we return the doll and we're all good.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
You'll return it, they'll slap the cuffs on me and take the movie.
- He's right. - Yeah, you're right.
That's the best career advice you've ever given, Dom.
I got an idea.
Come on, admit it. You miss him a little.
- A very little. - He's only at the Oakwoods.
A Hummer and an apartment. That's not a bad severance package.
No, not bad at all.
This is it.
- Rock, paper, scissors. - No, I'll do it. I got the better arm.
Please.
Afternoon, Lloyd.
He's just finishing up a call, but go on in.
You two, out. It was a one-time thing.
- What's the word, Ari? - Yeah. I just got a call from Rubenstein.
Apparently they found his doll somehow.
- So we're all good, then, right? - No, we're not.
Just got off the phone with Warner.
They're so excited about Aquaman that they've green-lit Aquaman 2.
- Well, that's good, no? - No.
Start date is September 8th, same day as Medellнn.
English
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