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So let me get this straight.
You wake up snuggling a girl that you didn't even fuck?
I'm not repeating myself again.
- It's disgusting. - What is disgusting about that?
What's disgusting is the only reason a guy should snuggle a girl
is if he's allowed to fuck her first.
Or at least if she promises she'll fuck him later.
- Who snuggles in a threesome anyway? - Who uses the word snuggle?
- E and E. - Men spoon, E. Women snuggle.
I'm glad you're in on this too.
What? It was funny. Besides, I got fired. I need a good laugh.
Laugh in the car. I promised Sloan I'd look at her setup for tonight. I want you to come.
We're going to her event tonight. Why are we going this morning?
Cos it'll be awkward. If you're there I can say we're going to lunch, or I might get stuck.
OK, fine, E. If you need us to go, we'll go. OK? Right, guys?
- Yeah, of course. - All right, we'll go, we'll go.
But what you really need, E, is a good snuggle. Get over here!
Just checking in. Wanted to see how our boy is doing.
He wants to know how you're doing.
Besides the fact that the LA Times compared me to Terrell Owens, I'm doing great.
You hear that, Ari?
The Eagles got rid of TO and look where they landed.
Aquaman 2 is gonna make Speed 2 look like Citizen fucking Kane.
All right, you tell Vince we will bounce back.
You tell him yourself at Sloan's event tonight, right?
Come on, Ari. It's for a good cause. It would mean a lot to me.
I get hard thinking that you actually like me.
However, I'll be with your father-in-law for the first time in months.
If all goes well, I promise you
that I will try to show up if you promise me not to wear any panties.
- Bye, Ari. - Bye, Eric.
I hoped you sharpened your fangs, Bar, because it is go time.
Hold that!
- Terence. - Ari.
You look a little haggard. Everything all right?
It's called ageing. Not everyone stays young by sucking the blood of their employees.
Gentlemen, let's keep this civil. I suggest...
Ari, you and I are both born negotiators.
So let's keep the legal eagles out of this, shall we?
- Absolutely. - Good.
Now, in the interest of putting this whole sordid mess behind us,
you'll find this offer very generous.
We've been here before. You know what? Save a tree. Say it out loud.
I'm prepared to offer you $4 million.
Four?
OK, first let me counter by saying fuck you.
You see, while you were off on your eight-year sabbatical,
sailing, duck-hunting, whatever the fuck it is you do,
I took that agency from the mid-level shithole it was to the powerhouse it currently is
- and I can prove it. - And I thought I had an ego.
You want to go to court? Let's. I got nothing but time.
Or have you forgot I got a very rich wife who loves to spoil me. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Wait.
10 million.
- 12 million. - Fine.
- 11 it is. - You got yourself a deal.
Thank fucking God!
Yeah!
Way to earn your commission in there, Bar.
- So what's your opening line? - Fuck off.
- They won't like that. - Say hello to Sloan first, everything will be fine.
- Thanks for that tip. - If you don't want us here...
Just get in here.
Hi, baby, how are you?
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hi, guys. - What's up?
- The place looks amazing. - Thank you.
You guys work well together.
It's great what you're doing. I just want to say if there's anything I can do to help, I'll do it.
Really? Anything?
- Anything. - That is great.
We're supposed to auction off a dinner date with Zach Braff, but he just bailed.
Anything else?
- No, that's it. - Whatever you need.
Thank you so much.
The flower guys. Hold on one second. Hello?
I'm gonna go back to the hotel and work on my tan, so see you later.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
- Peace. - Goodbye, Eric.
Later.
You thought you wanted to get in and out fast.
- She was cold, right? - Cold?
She ran from you like a chicken with a cough.
- What does that mean? - It's an avian flu reference.
Good one.
This is not good.
I don't know what you're obsessing about.
She thinks I'm a freak.
You hit her with the unsolicited snuggle, you are a freak.
Take me home. I'm gonna drive over to her hotel and apologise.
What? Apologise? For snuggling her?
For invading her space. I don't know.
You're a sensitive guy, E.
- It's kinda queer. - Whatever.
You know what, Drama? He is sensitive. Maybe we should all go with him.
Thanks. I don't need support on this.
Wasn't going for support. Was going to see Tori's ass in a bathing suit.
The girls from Wisteria Lane.
Which one is hiding a large black man in your basement?
What are you doing here?
I came to tell you that our marriage is a sham and the last 15 years have meant nothing.
- What are you talking about? - I came to tell you
that I want it to actually mean something this time.
Oh, my God!
- Let me put it on you. - Oh, my God.
- Whip 'em out. Who's got the biggest? - The meeting went well?
It went well, baby. Let me show you how well. I'm stealing the bride-to-be.
- Where are we going? - It's a secret.
Lunch is on me provided Joyce has her stomach stapled.
Fuck you, Ari. Just for that I'm ordering a bottle of Cristal.
The new Gold Standard.
It'll make the Endeavor building look like a fucking Dunkin' Donuts.
Oh, my God, it is huge.
It'll house 150 agents.
All of whom, if they're sexually harassed, have only one person to sue. Me.
Ari, can we afford this?
We've been planning this for nine months. With this money all the pieces are in place.
I know you're scared. But it's time.
Just say yes.
Let's go take a lap in the executive Jacuzzi.
- A Jacuzzi? - They're putting one in.
- No. - We could talk about it.
- We just did. - Maybe I can bribe you.
Here? Ari, are you out of your mind?
- Eric. Yo, what's up, E? - Seth. What's going on?
- How are you? - I'm good, I'm good.
How's Vince? I can't believe they fired him. Brutal.
It's for the best. Frees us to do other projects
- we're more interested in. - Good.
- Sorry about your show getting cancelled. - What are you gonna do?
Nobody believed four guys in their 30s would live together.
I lived at the guest house until last year.
You get moved up to the maid's quarters now? I'm kidding.
- How's Sloan? - She's good. You know Sloan?
I know Sloan. She's a great girl, man.
- Yeah. - You guys doing all right?
- Yeah, good. I'll tell her you said hi. - You should.
Oh, excuse me.
- It's not what it looks like, Seth. - It never is, man.
Can we get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
Look, I just wanted to come by and apologise.
- For what? - For the other day.
- You know, the way we woke up. - You mean the way I woke up?
- It was completely unintentional. - Obviously. I mean, you were sleeping.
Exactly. I was as surprised as you were. But I'd just prefer if we didn't tell Sloan.
She might think it was weird. I mean, it was a little weird, right?
Well, I mean, actually waking up with you spooning me was kind of funny
but I think Sloan would think it was a lot weirder that you're here now.
The only reason I came here was to apologise.
I hope so.
Why else would I be here?
I have no idea. I hardly know you. But let me tell you something about me.
- The other night was fun and nothing more. - I know.
And Sloan is a good friend of mine and she's your girlfriend
so you just being here behind her back is making me totally uncomfortable.
Sorry. Fine.
- I can't believe we just did that. - It was like freshman year at the ZBT house.
We didn't do it freshman year at the ZBT house.
You're right. That was Amy Myers.
- You fucked Amy Myers? - You're gonna get mad about it?
It was 20 years ago. You landed the big prize.
- I did. - I love you. Come here.
God, Ari! What the hell?
- That was Adam Davies. - Who?
That rat-fuck that screwed me with Terence.
- So what? - So? Is that rock fucking blinding you?
If he knows that I'm taking the big space, he'll know I'm starting the big agency.
So what's the difference if he knows?
- We don't have the money. - We have an agreement.
He didn't see anything.
- Get me up. - Don't worry about it.
What the fuck was that?
My wife lost a contact, Davies. Why don't you pop out and help us?
I'll give you a curbing when you're on your knees.
You'd love to see me with something hard in my mouth.
- Jesus. - Sorry.
He brings it out in me. Later.
What, baby? It's all good. He doesn't suspect a thing. Come on.
She basically called me a stalker.
From snuggler to stalker. Sounds like an MOW.
Girls have a tendency to throw that term around, E. I wouldn't sweat it.
- The only reason I went was to apologise. - Which I didn't understand in the first place.
Let's for a moment just assume we understand the reason for the apology.
- Why to her? - Yeah, E, why to her?
- Yeah, why her? - What do you mean?
You should be apologising to Sloan.
After all, she was the one you weren't snuggling with.
- Maybe there's a reason you went there. - Maybe there's a reason behind the snuggle.
Oh, no.
Did E fall in love during a threesome?
If anyone could do it, it's E.
You're like a chick. I mean, the guy cannot have unemotional sex.
- I didn't have sex. - You can't whack off without weeping.
I went down there for no other reason than to say sorry and apologise for cuddling
or spooning or whatever, Drama.
It was unintentional, an accident.
Freud says there are no accidents.
You guys crossed swords during your threesome. Accident?
Yo yo, Eric Murphy.
- Come on, we're gonna be late. - I'm coming.
I can't believe I'm the one telling you that.
- Never mind. - Come on, what's up?
I can't stop thinking about Tori. It makes me sick. I feel guilty.
Jesus. Really?
You're really into her?
No, it's just that when we were doing our whole, you know, thing,
I wanted her. Bad.
- So? - More than I wanted Sloan.
You had a threesome. Any guy's gonna want what he's never had during that.
- I still want her. - You were this close to having her.
It was a big tease. If you'd had it it'd be over now.
- You think? - Absolutely.
And here's the good news. She's not into you.
She thinks you're a stalker.
She was probably wanting a threesome to get to Sloan.
And she lives 3,000 miles away, so just get through the night and it's over.
It should be a good one.
I'm the one who's being sold like I'm on eBay.
It could be fun. Like that time you got auctioned off for Feed the World.
Remember that Cuban guy who wanted me to live with him in Havana?
Never sent me those cigars. I should call.
Ask if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks bullpen.
- Great mother of God. - She cleans up good, huh?
Just get through the night.
- Hey, guys. - Hey!
Thank you so much for coming. Hi.
- Things are going well. - They are.
They're about to get better. Vince? Let's show the ladies what they're bidding on.
- I thought it was a silent auction. - It is. But I've got to present the merchandise.
Let's go get a drink.
Where do you want to go? French Riviera, St Barths, Australian outback?
No more spending, Ari. Not until we're in the clear.
We are. I don't know why I panicked. Davies saw us in the middle of the street.
What does that mean to him? Absolutely nothing. Pick a vacation destination.
No more spending, Ari.
It's charity. Come on, it's a tax write-off.
You know what? I'm gonna bid on all of them.
- How are you, mate? - Cheers, Ari.
Prick.
All I'm saying is me and a girl like Tori are wild kindred free spirits.
I'd never want to go where you've been, E,
but since you never actually got there, you mind if I try it on for size?
- You tried the other night. No luck. - I'm with E. You got no shot, Drama.
I'm not gonna debate whether or not I can get the girl.
I'm only asking if E would care.
- I have a girlfriend. - Say you don't care.
- You can't say it. - I don't care.
- Sweet. - Yeah, well, here she comes.
- She looks angry. - Good, I like 'em mean.
Makes taming them a greater challenge.
Just relax.
Hi there.
- Can I talk to you? - Sure.
And now our featured item of the evening.
A lovely night of dinner and dancing under the stars...
- Dancing? - One dance.
The dashing Vincent Chase, everybody.
Here he comes. Vincent.
Vincent Chase, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, ladies, there he is,
as handsome off screen as he is on screen...
Look, I'm sorry if I came off as harsh earlier.
I shouldn't have come to your hotel.
Well, I was kind of cold and I probably made you feel like something was wrong
but I know that you're a good guy, Eric.
I knew that... even before you so lovingly embraced me.
Jesus. I haven't done a lot of these. You?
A few more than you. But not a lot.
So how were we?
Well, I don't know about you...
- Well, Sloan and her rules. - Yeah.
We'll get her to drop those rules tonight and I'll make a later flight. We'll try again.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Ladies, this is your chance to spend the evening with a real live superhero.
So put your bid in now or lose out.
- You owe me big time. - I know I do.
Can I sample the goods?
I'm selling stock to get you.
If I pay more, can I keep you for the weekend?
We'll discuss it with your husband.
- You seem like a hot ticket. - I feel like an iPod.
- Will you buy me? - I don't think I can afford you.
I could loan you the money.
It's exquisite. It's so unlike you.
- Well... - I must compliment Ari.
- God, this must have cost a fortune. - Well, actually, it's just a CZ.
- Don't tell anyone. - No. Never.
- What? - I had to tell that bitch this was a fake.
You didn't have to do that.
- I thought we were keeping the money secret. - Terence knows we have money.
- He gave it to me. - How the fuck was I to know?
You have me so confused. I don't like secrets.
Office space. You just can't say office space.
I thought about tattoos a couple times, but I could never decide on one.
Me either. That's why I have four.
Really? I thought I spotted one.
The rest are hiding.
Will you excuse me for one second? I will be right back, I promise.
- You're spinning like a top. - I've got to get out.
- Why? - I can't be around this girl.
E, come on, we went over this.
She wants another go-around. This time no rules.
- Wow, that's nice. - It's not. I don't want another go-around.
Not with Sloan there, you mean.
I don't know what it is. I got something crazy for her.
I told you what it is.
I want to grab her, take her in the coatroom.
Come on. You're not a coatroom kind of guy.
I'm not a threesome guy either. That's the problem.
- Just relax. - I cannot be around Sloan and her together.
She'll see it all over my face, you know?
Yeah, I do. You're a good Catholic boy.
It's cute. So avoid temptation. Go home.
I'll tell them you're sick.
Coatroom.
Eric. Where are you going?
I was just going outside. I'm not feeling that well.
- Oh, no. - I'm just feeling a little nauseous.
- I'm sorry, baby. - I think I might need to go home.
Yeah, of course. Go to my place.
I'll just finish up here and wait for Tori's car to arrive, then I'll take care of you, OK?
- OK. - I love you.
I love you too.
- See you. - Feel better.
Ladies and gentlemen. It's time to announce the winners of tonight's silent auction.
The winner of the Dodgers box seats,
Peter Vapnick.
Figures. The only thing I wanted.
- You don't deserve it! - Congratulations.
I have something better you can bid on.
What, are you selling your ass again?
No, my client list.
I know you're taking space. I want in.
You're crazy.
I'd think that too if I didn't see you dive under that car to avoid me today.
But I did. It made me curious.
So much so that I pulled a U-ey and went snooping.
And guess what I found.
Office space that says unless your wife's baby blanket biz went big time,
you are about to open the largest agency in town.
I want partnership, corner office, and $1 million guaranteed salary.
A, you wouldn't get that even if I did like you, Davies.
And B, even if I were taking space, which I am not,
you fucked me last year.
Do you think we can work together?
Come on, Ari. We're all animals.
We just go wherever there's the most food.
My fridge is bare, pal.
OK, should we see what Terence thinks?
Winner of St Barths for $12,800
is Ari Gold.
Next up, a week of sun and fun on the French Riviera.
And the winner is Ari Gold.
Really spending that money, eh, Ari?
What else did you buy?
- Nice suit, Davies. - Thank you, Terence.
A date with a movie star,
the gorgeous Vincent Chase...
Molly Burns. Molly Burns.
Here she is. Let her hear it.
Come on up, Molly. Vince, ladies and gentlemen.
- Where the fuck is he? - Where is he?
Vincent Chase to the podium.
Hiding is my guess.
Vincent Chase, please. Vincent Chase to the podium.
- I wonder what you sold for. - I wonder who I sold to.
He's here somewhere. We're gonna find him.
Wait!
Hey, baby.
How are you feeling?
Good. Who's here?
Tori. She missed her flight. She's gonna crash on the couch.
Her car is coming at 5:30.
- I'm gonna get ready for bed. Go to sleep. - OK.
Oh, you're still here?
Sorry. Did I wake you?
No, just going to get a drink cos I'm thirsty.
- Listen, it was nice to meet you. - You too.
- What are you thinking, Eric? - I don't know.
Want to jump on the couch while Sloan's in the other room?
No.
- Go back to bed. - I can't sleep.
Take an Ambien.
Listen, am I crazy, or do we both want this?
Does it matter?
You got a great girl in there, Eric. She almost let you have this.
Don't fuck it up.
- Bye. - Bye.
English
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