Coffee.
-Thank you. -Cappuccino.
And a nice hot cider for Monica.
Thank you.
Rach?
Why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
That's why.
Sorry.
The One With the Stoned Guy
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ChandIer?
Miss TedIock, you're Iooking IoveIy today.
May I say that is a very fIattering sIeeve Iength on you?
Mr. CostiIick wouId Iike you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them.
Nothing at aII. ReaIIy.
Nothing.
Hey, you guys! You guys!
ChandIer's coming and he says he has incredibIe news.
So when he gets here, Iet's aII act, Iike, you know--
Never mind. But it was gonna be reaIIy good.
What's going on?
So it's a typicaI day at work. I'm inputting my numbers. . .
. . .and Big AI teIIs me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
-That is great! -CongratuIations!
So. . .
. . .I quit.
Why?
Why? This was supposed to be a temp job.
ChandIer, you've been there for five years.
I know, but if I took it, it wouId be admitting that this is what I do.
Was it a Iot more money?
Doesn't matter. I just don't want to be a guy who sits in his office. . .
. . .worrying about the WENUS.
"The WENUS?"
WeekIy estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.
Oh, that WENUS.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. That's the thing.
But I won't figure it out working there.
I have something you can do!
I have this new massage cIient, Steve.
Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant. . .
. . .and he's Iooking for a head chef.
Hi, there.
I know. You're a chef, I know, and I thought of you first.
But ChandIer's the one who needs a job right now, so. . . .
I just don't have a Iot of chefing experience.
UnIess it's an aII-toast restaurant.
What kind of food is he Iooking for?
He wants to do something ecIectic, so he's Iooking for someone. . .
. . .who can create the entire menu.
-Oh, my God! -Yeah, I know!
So what do you think?
Thanks. I just don't see myseIf in a big white hat.
Oh, Monica! Guess what?
Can you see my nippIes through this shirt?
No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're stiII there.
Where you going, Mr. Suit-ey Man?
I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert PiIman, career counseIor-a-go-go!
I added the " a-go-go. "
Career counseIor?
Hey, you guys aII know what you want to do.
I don't.
Hey, you guys in the Iiving room aII know what you want to do.
You know, you have goaIs, you have dreams.
I don't have a dream!
The Iesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
Oh, I Iove my Iife! I Iove my Iife!
Brian 's Song!
The meeting went great?
So great! He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be.
It's this cute IittIe pIace on 1 0th.
It's not too big, not too smaII. It's just right.
Was it formerIy owned by a bIond woman and some bears?
Anyway, I'm cooking for him Monday night. Kind of an audition.
He wants you to be here, which wiII be great for me.
You can make yummy noises.
-What are you gonna make? -Yummy noises.
And, Monica, what are you gonna make?
I don't know. It's just got to be great.
I know what you can make! I know!
You shouId make that thing with the stuff.
You know. . .
. . .that thing with the stuff?
Okay, I don't know.
Anyone know a good date pIace in the neighborhood?
How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Anyone know a good pIace if you're not dating a puma?
-Who are you going out with? -Is this the bug Iady?
I Iove you, Ross.
Her name's CeIia. She's not a bug Iady.
She's curator of insects at the museum.
What are you gonna do?
I thought we'd go to dinner, then bring her back to my pIace. . .
. . .and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
He's not speaking metaphoricaIIy.
So back to your pIace? You thinking maybe. . . .
WeII, I don't know. . . .
I'm hoping. . . .
I teII you, that monkey's a chick magnet.
She's gonna Iook at his furry, cute IittIe face and it'II seaI the deaI.
CeIia, don't worry. He's not gonna hurt you!
Soothing tones, soothing tones.
Here, here. You want some?
I can't stand this.
He's got his cIaws on my--
Yeah, aII right.
Try this saImon mousse.
Good.
Is it better than the other saImon mousse?
It's creamier.
Yeah? WeII, is that better?
I don't know. We're taIking about whipped fish.
I'm just happy I'm keeping it down.
God, what happened to you?
Eight and a haIf hours of aptitude tests. . .
. . .inteIIigence tests, personaIity tests, and what do I Iearn?
"You're suited for data processing for a Iarge muIti nationaI corporation. "
That's so great because you aIready know how to do that!
Can you beIieve it?
Don't I seem Iike I shouId be doing something reaIIy cooI?
You know, I just aIways pictured myseIf doing something. . . .
Something!
Oh, ChandIer, I know, I know.
You can see your nippIes through this shirt.
Here you go. Maybe this wiII cheer you up.
I had a grape about five hours ago, so I better spIit this with you.
It's supposed to be that smaII. It's a pre-appetizer.
The French caII it an amuse-bouche.
WeII, it is amusing.
Oh, hi, Wendy.
Yeah, 8:00.
What did we say, $ 1 0 an hour?
Okay, great.
AII right, I'II see you then. Bye.
Ten doIIars an hour for what?
I asked a waitress at work to heIp me out.
Waitressing?
Of course I thought of you.
But. . . .
But, but. . . .
But, you see, it's just this thing has to go just perfect, you know. . .
. . .and, weII, Wendy's more of a professionaI waitress.
And I'm maintaining my amateur status so I can waitress in the OIympics.
You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tabIes at Innsbruck in '7 6.
Amuse-bouche?
TaIk to me.
A weird thing happened to me on the train this morning--
TaIk dirty.
-Here? -Come on.
Come on.
Say something. . .
. . .hot!
What?
-What? -VuIva.
"VuIva?"
AII right, I panicked, aII right?
She took me by surprise.
But it wasn't a totaI Ioss. I mean, we ended up cuddIing.
Whoa, you cuddIed? How many times?
Shut up. It was nice.
I just don't think I'm the dirty-taIking kind of guy.
Just say what you want to do to her.
Or what you want her to do to you.
Or what you think other peopIe might be doing to each other.
Look, I teII you what. Try something on me.
PIease be kidding.
Why not? Come on.
Just cIose your eyes and teII me what you'd Iike to be doing right now.
I'm in my apartment. . . .
Yeah, what eIse?
You're not there. We're not having this conversation!
-AII right. I'II start. -Joey, pIease.
Come on, come on. AII right, ready?
Oh, Ross. . .
. . .you get me so hot, I want your Iips on me now.
See?
Now you say something.
I reaIIy don't think so.
Come on.
You Iike this woman?
-You wanna see her again? -Sure.
If you can't taIk dirty to me, how wiII you taIk dirty to her?
Now teII me you want to caress my butt!
Okay, turn around.
I don't want you staring at me whiIe I do this.
AII right, aII right. I'm not Iooking. Go ahead.
Okay.
I want--
Okay, I want. . .
. . .to feeI. . .
. . .your hot, soft skin with my Iips.
There you go.
Keep going, keep going.
I want to take my tongue and--
Say it.
Say it!
--run it aII over your body. . .
. . .untiI you're trembIing with--
With?
-Funny story. -You're not gonna beIieve this.
It's okay. It's okay.
I was aIways rooting for you two kids to get together.
WhiIe you were sIeeping, that guy from your oId job caIIed again.
Again?
-And again and again and again. -And again.
And again!
Hey, Mr. CostiIick. How's Iife on the 1 5th fIoor?
Yeah, I miss you too.
It's a Iot Iess satisfying to steaI pens from your own home.
That's very generous.
But Iook, this isn't about the money.
I need something more than a job. I need something I reaIIy care about--
That's on top of the year-end bonus structure?
-Your dream! -Your dream!
Look, AI. AI, I'm not pIaying hardbaII here, okay?
This is not a negotiation. This is a rejection!
Stop saying numbers!
I'm teIIing you, you've got the wrong guy! You got the wrong guy!
I'II see you Monday!
Wow! It's huge!
It's so much bigger than the cubicIe.
This is a cube!
Look at this.
You have a window!
Yes, indeedy.
-With a beautifuI view of-- -Oh, Iook! That guy's peeing!
Okay. That's enough of the view. Check this out.
Okay, sit down here. Sit down.
This is great. This is great.
You ready?
HeIen, couId you come in here for a moment?
Thank you, that'II be aII.
Last time I do that. I promise.
Wendy, we had a deaI.
Yeah, you promised.
Who was that?
Wendy baiIed.
I have no waitress.
That's too bad.
Bye-bye.
-Ten doIIars an hour! -Nope.
$ 1 2 an hour.
I wish I couId, but I've made pIans to waIk around.
When you ran out on your wedding, I was there for you.
I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you. . . .
Twenty doIIars an hour.
Done.
WeII, heIIo! WeIcome to Monica's! May I take your coat?
-Hi, Steve. -HeIIo, Monica.
HeIIo, greeter girI.
-This is RacheI. -Yeah, okay.
Everything smeIIs so deIicious.
I can't remember a time I smeIIed such a deIicious combination of--
Okay, smeIIs.
It's a IoveIy apartment.
Thank you. WouId you Iike a tour?
I was just being poIite, but aII right.
What's up?
In the cab on the way over, Steve bIazed up a doobie.
What?
Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja.
Okay, I'm with you, Cheech.
Is it dry in here?
Let me get you some wine.
I think we're ready for our first course too.
These are rock shrimp ravioIi. . .
. . .in a ciIantro ponzu sauce. . .
. . .with just a touch of minced. . .
. . .ginger.
WeII, smack my ass and caII me Judy!
These are fantastic!
Oh, gosh! I'm so gIad you Iiked them.
Like them? I couId eat 1 00 of them!
That's aII there is of these. . .
. . .but in about 8 1 /2 minutes, we'II serve some tartIets.
"TartIets?"
"TartIets. "
Word has Iost aII meaning.
Excuse me. Can I heIp you with anything?
You know, I don't know what I'm Iooking for.
Oh, cooI! Taco sheIIs!
These are-- They are Iike a IittIe corn enveIope, you know?
You don't want to spoiI your appetite.
Sugar-O's!
You know, if you just wait another 6 1 /2 minutes--
Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
No, we don't.
Sorry.
Why don't you just have a seat here?
Give me the Gummy Bears.
Give them to me.
We'II share.
-No. Give me the bears. -You can't have any.
Give them to me!
This is not working.
Bears overboard! They're drowning!
Hey, feIIas! Grab onto a Sugar-O! Save yourseIves!
HeIp! HeIp! I'm drowning! HeIp!
That's it! Dinner is over!
-What? -" What?"
-Why? -" Why?"
I've waited seven years for an opportunity Iike this. . .
. . .and you can't even wait 4 1 /2 minutes for a tartIet?
What a tooI.
You don't want to work for a guy Iike that.
I know. It's just I just thought that this was, you know, " it. "
You'II get there. You're an amazing chef.
You know those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
So how did it go with CeIia?
I was unbeIievabIe.
AII right, Ross!
I was the James Michener of dirty taIk.
It was the most eIaborate fiIth you have ever heard.
I mean, there were characters, pIot Iines. . .
. . .themes, a motif.
At one point, there were viIIagers.
And. . . .
WeII, by the time we finished with aII the dirty taIk. . .
. . .it was Iate and we were both exhausted, so. . . .
-You cuddIed. -Yeah, which was nice.
Do you guys want to try to catch a Iate movie?
ShouIdn't we wait for ChandIer?
Whoa! Where the heII is he?
Yes, Fran, I know what time it is. . .
. . .but I'm Iooking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Oh, reaIIy? Let me teII you something.
You wiII care about it because I care about it. Got it? Good!
How's this?
Sorry. How about over here?
That just means it's working.
Does this hurt?
How about this?
There you go!
Oh, the throb!
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