Kids...
there are two big days in any love story...
the day you meet the girl of your dreams...
and the day you marry her.
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# Let it roll across the floor #
# Through the hall and out the door #
Nice. Where'd you get this?
Stashed a cooler behind the pulpit.
- Beer be with you. - And also with you.
Mmm.
This is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed church.
Yeah. You're welcome, God.
- Nervous? - What? No.
I'm just hopin' it doesn't rain.
Why, do I look nervous?
Look at your beer, dude.
You always do that when you're nervous.
It's a sad day in New York, Ted.
A sad day indeed.
Do you know what I saw on my way in here?
A girl... in a sweater.
And you know what that means.
The season of exposed skin is over.
Exactly!
Gone are the tank tops, Ted.
Gone are the cute little skirts.
Gone are the sundresses? The sundresses, Ted!
I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.
Barney, I really... I have to grade these papers.
I'm sorry. I'll let you work.
But first a riddle.
What piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire?
- A sundress. - Correct.
What lightweight outfit, pink or white...
makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?
- I really have to get this done. - Of course. Of course.
Thank you.
- Sundress, by the way. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey.
What are you nervous about? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
- What flowing cotton frock... - Okay! I'll tell you.
Just... There's a...
There's a girl sitting at the bar.
- Oh! - Don't look.
Wah. I wanna see a pretty girl.
Okay, you can look. But just... just...
- Just be cool, for once. - Oh. I'll be cool.
Aw, Ted. You got your beer label in a bunch over nothin'.
Listen to your Uncle Barney.
You have no reason to be nervous.
None whatsoever.
And I'm gonna tell you why in one word.
- And what's that word? - Dibs.
You can't call dibs on a girl I've been sitting here thinking about...
maybe talking to eventually at some point.
- You never called dibs. - Dibs were implied.
- Implied dibs? - Yeah.
Ted, you are spitting on the grave...
of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib.
It was 1652.
The S.S. Dibs was lost at sea...
Look, I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep this simple.
You go over there and talk to that girl, I will see you in court.
And who's gonna represent you? Dibs on Marshall as my lawyer!
- Damn it! - Ha, ha! Where is Marshall anyway?
Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had recently decided...
to take a swing at starting a family.
Tonight was their first at bat.
I'm almost ready to leave. Let's just go through the checklist.
- Candles? - Check.
Music to set the mood?
Check.
Music for when we're actually doing it.
Check.
You know what? To hell with your dibs.
I'm goin' over there right now and talking to her.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? Be my guest.
Fall in love with her. Get married.
Just know this. When I step up...
to make my toast as your best man...
- Actually, Marshall will probably be my best man. - As your best man!
Ladies and gentlemen...
I... had dibs.
No!
- Tell me this isn't true. - l... I had implied dibs.
Oh!
The way you've humiliated me!
I had no idea. You have to know that.
Shh. Shh. You're the victim here.
We both are.
Let's get outta here.
Or we could just do it right here.
We could just do it right here. Let's do it, baby.
Fine. Have at it. Exercise your dibs.
She's got her shields up anyway. She's readin' a book.
Yeah, at a bar.
That book might as well be called...
Are You There, Barney? It's Me, Horny.
That is not what "shields up" looks like.
That is what "shields up" looks like.
Move! God!
Hey, what's up, dudes?
Fries?
Oh, good God, woman. You're a disgrace.
No fries for this guy.
Robin, seriously, I love you...
but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines...
coming off of you right now.
What?
Know what, Barney? Just cut her some slack.
- She just went through a breakup. - Thank you, Ted.
With hygiene?
No, with Don.
You see, a few months earlier...
- Here. Have some tea. - Thanks.
Robin, I am here for you. Whatever you need.
Okay. Um, about that, Ted.
Listen.
I know myself pretty well...
and, um, sometime over the next few months...
I'm gonna want to sleep with you.
And when that happens, you have to try to say no.
Try? I will absolutely say no.
- Our friendship is too important. - Oh.
Okay. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.
Um, I will come at you with everything I've got.
I will stalk you like the lioness stalks the gazelle...
careful, patient, deadly.
And if you let your guard down for so much as a second...
as sure as you were born, I will hump your brains out.
Okay, I'm ready to have sex now.
It was a tough summer, but I think our girl's been a real trouper.
She's...
- Is this a Cheeto? - No, we ran out of Cheetos last week.
Oh, yeah. It's a Cheeto. Dibs.
Oh, you're exquisite.
You must let me paint you.
Hey, Robin. What do you think?
The girl sitting at the bar... shields up?
Mmm. Totes, toots. She's here on a date.
She brought the book because she got here early...
and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting.
Girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know?
This, what you're doin' right now...
I'm getting a de-rection.
Hey! How'd it go?
- You pregnant yet? - Nope.
Okay. So here's what happened.
I was at home waiting for Marshall.
- Hey, how was your day? Don't answer. No time. - Look...
Um, bedroom. No, no. No time.
- Look... - Floor. No. No time. Against this wall!
Marshall, whoa! Wait! A big package just arrived.
- Yeah, it did. - No, no.
It's a real package from your dad.
- Well, that's a little weird, but, yeah, it is. - Marshall, look!
A bassinet? Oh, my... He must've made it in his woodshop.
Wasn't that sweet of him?
Lil? Isn't that sweet?
Lily?
You told your dad we're trying to have a baby?
Of course I did. I tell my dad everything. My dad is my best friend.
Oh!
Lily, we have been looking forward...
to this magical, special night for two weeks now.
And, sweetie, during that time, I have been, um...
How do I put this delicately?
Savin' all my love for you.
I have read 11 books on conception.
I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar.
I take my temperature every hour.
But good for you for not playing with yourself.
- I feel ya, buddy. - Ah! No, don't even touch me, dude.
It's been like... It's been two weeks.
I'm, like, a light breeze away from havin' a big problem.
I'm seriously...
Okay. I'm better now.
Okay, Barney. What's this gonna cost me?
- Excuse me? - Your dibs. I wanna buy your dibs.
$250,000.
Twenty bucks.
But... Can I go smell her first?
- No. - Fine.
All right. Wish me luck.
Now, kids, remember how I told you about a girl named Cindy...
- how I went on one date with her and it ended badly? - Get out.
- Well... - How are you?
Good.
What the hell are you doing?
That girl she's talking to... I dated her.
Ooh. That sucks.
And dibs.
So you went on one date with one of her friends.
It's not necessarily a big deal.
I mean, did it end on bad terms?
Um...
Oh, hi, Cindy.
Oh, hi, Cindy!
Yikes.
Well, I guess you just gotta move on.
It's not like you have a shot with Reading McGee over there, right?
Ted?
Then I remembered.
Cindy had a roommate...
a roommate I only caught a glimpse of.
But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special.
Was it possible?
Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
I gotta see her ankles.
You're one of those?
God, I swear! One in five guys.
Lily, we kinda had a plan tonight, remember?
- Candles, banjo... - Who else did you tell?
Did you tell anyone at the office?
Um...
Shannon, start the music.
Can you dig it!
Take it to the hole, Eriksen!
Sink that putt, big buzz!
Put a pillow under her lower back.
It helps facilitate conception, bro.
Yeah!
I may have mentioned it in passing to a couple of colleagues at work.
I'm sorry about that. But you know what?
I gotta be able to tell my dad.
Your dad is the last person you should tell.
The man is too involved in our lives.
It's like every time the phone rings...
Hello.
Lily! Marvin Eriksen.
- I noticed you hadn't changed your last name yet. - Oh, no. I'm gonna...
So, don't worry. I called the D. M.V. I called your AmEx.
- I got that process started for ya. - But...
Hello.
Lily. Marvin Eriksen.
I understand you and Marshall have been fighting.
Let me tell you what works for me and the missus...
frilly French undies and a box of wine.
Hello?
You might wanna try pickles on that sandwich.
Pickles would have helped that sandwich!
The man has no boundaries.
l-I just can't procreate under these conditions.
Yeah, well, you know what? I've already told him, so the damage is done.
So call him and tell him we decided not to have a baby.
Okay.
So you just... you want me to give my dad a stroke?
Only if you wanna give this a stroke.
That's ridiculous. Lily, there's no way that I would ever...
Okay, everyone needs to shut up so that I can think!
Uh-oh. They're talkin' to a guy now.
What kinda guy? A cheesy guy or a cool guy?
Oh, a cheesy guy. Don't worry.
Aw, man. That guy is cool.
His hair's all cool. He's got a cool belt.
What... That guy is cheesy.
And if you think he's not cheesy, then you're cheesy too.
And now I want something cheesy. Who's feeling nachos?
Oh, look at you, Robin. You're jealous.
- Jealous? - Yeah, jealous.
'Cause she's got it, and you've lost it.
I have not lost it.
- Ya lost it. - I still have it.
I mean, I know exactly where it is...
and I can go get it whenever I want.
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk.
Each one has a hotness expiration date, and you've hit yours.
I'm not sayin' the occasional guy won't still open the fridge...
pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway...
but it's all downhill from here.
I don't have to take this.
But I do have to take this.
Okay. So you just want me to call my dad...
and tell him that we're not havin' a baby?
That's about the size of it.
Okay. Out of curiosity, when do we tell him about the baby?
We'll tell him about the baby when there's a baby to tell him about.
So he just gets no notice?
He just walks into his boss's office and says...
"I just had a grandson. I'm gonna be out for three months."
- Out for three months? - Yeah.
He and my mom are coming to live with us when the baby's born.
- We talked about this. - No, we didn't.
I meant me and my dad.
You know what, Marshall? Why don't you have a baby with your dad?
Oh, okay, Lily.
Why don't you have a baby with your butt?
What?
I can't think straight!
Why do you have to wear that shirt?
This is not how I thought this night was going to go!
Ted?
Oh, God. This sucks. Do you think she saw me?
- Hi, Ted. - Yeah, she definitely saw you.
Can I see you for a minute, in private?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
I mean, how could that not be fun?
If I don't come back, tell my mom I love her.
Okay. Will do. And dibs.
Barney, am I crazy?
Marshall talks to his dad way too much, right?
- Oh. You don't want my opinion on that. - Why not?
If I had my dad's number...
I would never not be on the phone with him.
Wow, that was really...
Whoa! A hottie with a body.
Boing!
- Brief. - No, Lily, look.
You saucy little minx.
You sundressed up.
- Hi. - Fourteen seconds.
Fourteen seconds, and already...
some ding-dong is steppin' up, thinkin' he can get some of this broke off.
Ho!
I... still... got... it!
All right, buddy. You proved my point. Now scram.
Nice belt, by the way.
- Hi. - Wow. Robin, you do look super hot.
- Oh, do I? - Yeah, you do.
Thanks.
I braced myself for what was next...
rage, fury, a savage beating.
Oh. Thank you, Ted.
After things didn't work out with us, I got really sad for a while...
but then I realized you're not what I wanted, Ted...
and I'm not what you wanted.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk. I feel like I should make it up to you somehow.
You know, buy you a beer or Yankees tickets.
Or set me up with one of your friends.
I'm kidding. That would be weird.
- No, it wouldn't. - It wouldn't, would it?
Any one of those three. Whichever's easiest and right nearby.
- And not the beer. - I should get back.
- Totally. - Come say good-bye before you leave.
"Say good-bye before you leave"?
- Her words exactly. - Hmm.
Dude, you are so in. That is so awesome.
A high five doesn't even cut it. High six!
- She didn't see us high-six, did she? - No.
- Good. That was pretty lame. - Yeah. Let's never do that again.
- Marshall. - What? Lily, what?
Are there more members of my family that you wanna crap all over?
Here's the thing.
I'm sorry. Hold on. Just...
It's my dad.
Lily, it's my dad, okay?
I love him! And if he calls me, I'm gonna answer the phone.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, hey! l-I know it's late, but I just had to call.
- How'd it go? - Dad, this isn't...
Did you do everything the book said? Did you put the pillow under her back?
- Dad, I'm in the middle of somethin' right now. - Did it feel like a boy?
Huh? You can tell.
He's insane.
My dad is insane.
I'm so sorry, Lily.
He's just...
He's so, um, enthusiastic.
It's ridiculous, you know.
Like, who's like that?
You.
You're like that.
You and your dad both care so much.
It's... It's why women fall in love with the Eriksen men to begin with.
But right now, it's a lot of pressure.
- Baby, I'm not tryin' to pressure you one bit. - What if I can't have a baby?
That could happen.
I could totally let you down.
Has that thought not occurred to you?
Not even for one second.
Not having a baby would suck...
but the idea of you letting me down...
that's impossible.
That would be like aliens landing.
That's a bad example, because that could happen.
It probably already has. I saw this, uh, episode...
# It had been filled in #
- All right. I'm doin' this. - # With rusty nails and then #
I am goin' over there.
# You finally knew that you were lost #
# But no one thought you were a fool #
Wish me luck.
# Even though everyone knew #
Nothing in this life quite compares...
to the sweet, terrifying exhilaration of making your move...
when you just put it all on the line and go for it.
And that night, by golly...
Cindy went for it.
So, no, that girl wasn't your mother.
She ended up being someone else's mother.
In fact, they both did.
# Never stopped to notice all #
Like I said, she's here on a date.
That was not the day I met your mother.
The day I met your mother was the day of a wedding.
Okay, maybe I'm a little nervous.
- Dude, it's just a wedding toast. - I know.
I want it to be great, you know? I want this whole day to be great.
- It will be. - Best man? You're being summoned.
- Oh, geez. What now? - Ted, seriously, relax. Everything's f...
- Okay. And it's raining. - Yeah. You were saying?
You didn't happen to bring an umbrella, did you?
No, I didn't bring an umbrella.
# Let it roll #
# Let it roll ##
I mean, everyone told us that it might take a while...
but we thought we might be the exception of the rule.
Anyways, we're getting back on that horse.
I mean, feelin' good about the future.
Obviously, this goes without saying...
but you won't tell Lily about any of this, right?
- No! - No! - Of course not.
English - US - SDH
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