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Radio around here sucks.
Come on, man. Jobs don't get much sweeter than this.
You know?
Dead vic with a gnawed-on neck, body drained of blood.
And a witness who swears up and down that it was a vampire.
No, I agree. It's a hell of a case.
- A little more gusto, please. - It's just...
...the world is coming to an end. Things are a little complicated.
Well, we can't save the world. Not today, anyway.
But what we can do is chop off some vamps' heads. Come on, man.
It's like the good old days. Honest-to-goodness monster hunt.
About time the Winchesters got back to tackling...
...a straightforward, black-and-white case.
We still gotta see the new Raiders movie.
Saw it.
- Without me? - You were in hell.
It's no excuse.
Pretzels. Pretzels.
Big pretzel.
I'll take two please.
Thank you.
Guten Tag.
Guten Tag yourself.
Hmm. Looks like that's our man.
Sheriff Deitrich?
- Are you the boys from the fed? - Agents Angus and Young.
We called ahead about your problem.
Right. I tell you what. Why don't we talk this out away from the crowd?
Marissa Wright, 26. Just up from Larkin for the fest.
Tsk. Terrible. Just terrible.
I mean, it's the last thing this town needs in peak tourist season.
Definitely the last thing Marissa Wright needed.
- What the hell? Hey, you got me.
I mean, this killer is some kind of grade-A whacko, right?
I mean, some Satan-worshipping, Anne Rice-reading...
...gothic psycho vampire-wannabe?
Sheriff, in your report, you mentioned a witness.
Yeah, I wished I didn't. But the witness insisted.
That's Ed Brewer. Not exactly what you'd call reliable.
- I remember you. - Yeah, and I remember you, Jamie.
- I never forget a pretty... everything. - Oh.
- We're looking for Ed Brewer. - What do you want with Ed?
Well, we are, uh, ahem, federal agents.
Mr. Brewer was witness to a serious crime. We just need to...
Wait a minute. You're a fed?
Wow, you don't come on like a fed. Ahem.
Seriously?
I'm a maverick, ma'am.
A rebel with a badge.
One thing I don't play by? The rules.
Okay, maverick. Um...
So where can we find Mr. Brewer?
I told the cops everything I saw.
No one believes me.
Why should you be any different?
Believe me, Mr. Brewer. We're different.
I spoke the God's-honest truth, and now I'm the town joke.
Marissa Wright's murder is no joke to us.
And we wanna hear everything, no matter how strange it may seem.
We have a lot of experience with strange.
It was just after midnight. I just left here...
...and like I do every night, I cut through the park on the way home.
At first I thought it was a couple kissing.
But she was...
...struggling too much.
And this man, he was...
Well, he was biting her neck.
- Can you describe her assailant? - Oh, he was a vampire.
Okay, right. And by that, you mean...?
You know, a vampire.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
- So he looked like... - He looked like a vampire.
With the fangs, and the slicked-back hair, and the fancy cape...
...and the little medallion thingy on the ribbon.
- You mean, like a Dracula? - Exactly. Like a Dracula.
- Right down to the accent. - The accent?
- What did he say? - You know, something like:
"Stay away, mortal. The night is mine!"
You do believe me, don't you?
He must be here following up on that murdered woman.
- Crazy Ed and his vampire story. He might be weird...
...but he's not crazy. - Oh, come on, you're just saying that...
...because the guy has a crush on you and he tips you in 20s.
Lucy! - Oh.
- So got a beer back there for me? - I don't know, Agent Young.
- You off-duty? - And then some.
So, what do you think?
Goth psycho vampire-wannabe, right?
- Definitely not our kind of case. Whew. - Agreed, but who cares?
Room's paid for and it's Oktoberfest.
Come on, brother, beer and bar wenches.
Pretty sure women today don't react well to the whole wench thing.
Hey, bar wench, where's that beer?
Coming up, good sir.
Dude, Oktoberfest.
There you go. What can I get you?
Oh, he doesn't drink. He's a Christian Scientist.
Doesn't even take aspirin. It's a real drag on stakeouts.
You're funny.
I'm lot more than that.
Love the chance to show you. What time you get off?
Ha, ha. Like I said, funny.
Whew.
- Man, it is time to right some wrongs. - Come again?
Look at me.
I came back from the furnace without any of my old scars, right?
No bullet wounds, knife cuts...
...none of the off-angle fingers from all the breaks.
My hide is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
Which leads me to conclude...
...sadly...
...that my virginity is intact.
- What? - I have been re-hymenated.
Re...? Ha. Please.
Maybe angels can pull you out of hell, but no one could do that.
Brother, I have been re-hymenated.
And the dude will not abide.
Alright, dude. Well, you go do whatever you gotta do.
And I'm gonna go back to the room and get some sleep.
So how about tonight?
Oh. Sorry, I promised Lucy a girls' night out.
Besides, no self-respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up...
...by a customer on the first try.
I'm not a customer. I'm a federal agent.
- Try again tomorrow, G-man. - I wish I could.
I don't think we're staying.
What, it's too weird for you?
Not weird enough.
Rick, did you hear that?
- What? - It sounded like a wolf.
Come on, baby. Don't change the subject.
I told you what could happen if...
- Those stories aren't true. - They are, baby.
If a man doesn't get this stuff out of his system regularly...
...it can back up and cause all kinds of...
...medical-type problems.
Do you hear that?
Anne Marie, there aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania.
And then...
...it just tore Rick into little pieces.
Ma'am, we understand how hard this is...
...but can you describe the creature?
Oh.
It was a werewolf.
- A werewolf? - Mm-hm.
- You're sure. - Oh, yeah.
With the furry face, and the black nose, and the claws...
...and the torn up pants and shirt.
Like from the old movies.
Um...
Whoa, okay, so...
Thank you for your time.
First a Dracula, and now a full-on movie-time wolf man?
What the hell is going on in this town?
- Damn. - Ooh.
All right.
Whatever did this, wasn't a psycho wannabe.
Look at those bite marks.
Right down to the bone and deeper.
Strong enough to tear a healthy man apart, limb from limb.
- Could be a werewolf. - Except, look.
Heart's still there, in one piece. They never leave the heart behind.
Thus, I reiterate. What the hell is going on?
Well, I was hoping you boys could tell me.
Just got a rush job back from the lab...
...on those fibers we found on the body.
Canine, wolf hairs.
I'm getting a headache.
I don't know, man. Looks like we've stumbled onto...
...a midnight showing of Dracu/a Meets Wo/f Man.
- Is that it? - I don't know.
I mean, Wolf Man seems real enough.
Makes Dracula seem less impossible, I guess.
Werewolves don't grow wolf hair.
- That's just a myth. - Yeah.
So what, we've got a vampire and a werewolf monster-mashing this town?
Ahh. Looks like you guys are staying a while.
I heard about Rick Deacon.
This just got weird enough for our department.
Well, beers are on me.
And just so you know, I get off at midnight tonight.
Oh, it's not another girls' night out?
Doesn't have to be.
- Okay then. I'll see you tonight. - Okay then.
Hey, you think this Dracula could turn into a bat?
That'd be cool.
Sorry to bother you at this...
Yeah, I do know what time it is.
I was just wondering if you were expecting a delivery of some kind.
I don't know.
Well, it looks old.
That's right.
Yeah, an Egyptian kind of deal.
No, it was just sitting there on the loading dock.
No, Dr. Eiger. There's no shipping invoice.
There's no nothing.
I don't know when it was delivered.
It was here when I clocked in tonight. I thought you'd know what to do.
Think Helen has any record of it in her files?
Holy mother of crap! Aah. Aah!
No! No! Aah!
Aah! No!
All right, George, back.
Got it.
See if there's any evidence of a break-in. Call the delivery man.
Go get your photos right here.
I want a statement from everybody about the delivery guy.
You wanna try that? Be a good idea.
This sarcophagus isn't ancient.
It's from a prop house in Philly.
Oh.
Goes well with the bucket of dry ice he was keeping in it.
Is he making his own special effects?
Mummy with good sense of showmanship.
This is stupid.
Damn it. Jamie. I'm late.
You're good here with the mummy and the crazy...?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Your loss, G-Man.
Good evening.
I have watched you for many nights from afar.
My passion knows no bounds, Mina.
You are the reincarnation of my beloved.
And I must have you.
Aah!
Mary! Son of a...
Jamie?
Son of a bitch.
You should not use such language...
...in the presence of my bride.
Okay.
Oh!
Haah!
Jamie, run!
You have no choice in the matter, Mr. Harker. Mina is mine!
Hey.
- You guys all right? - Yeah, I think so.
- And I think I know what's going on. - Yeah?
Part of it, at least.
Uh... The ear part?
Ripped it off Dracula's head. Touch it.
- Ugh. - Feel familiar to you?
- Oh, man. - Skin of a Shapeshifter.
Just like St. Louis and just like Milwaukee.
Of course, this one's all whole new buckets of crazy.
Oh, and...
...this. I pulled it off during the fight.
Look at the label on the ribbon.
It's a costume rental.
All three monsters, the Dracula, Wolf Man, the mummy...
...all the same critter.
We need to catch this freak...
...before he Creature-From-the-B/ack- Lagoons somebody.
So you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something?
And The X Fi/es are real?
Hmm. No, The X Fi/es is a TV show. This is real.
Oh.
Okay, so the stagecraft, the costuming.
It's like he's trying to reenact his favorite monster-movie moments...
...right down to the bloody murders.
Wait a second. Who the hell is Mina?
Mina? - Yeah, it's what he called Jamie.
- He called me Mr. Harker. - Jonathan Harker?
They're characters from the movies and the novels.
Mina, Dracula's intended bride.
Harker, the fianc� that stands in the way.
Seems like he's fixating on you. Like he sees you as his bride.
- Well, lucky me. Heh. - But to fixate on you, my guess is...
...that the shifter has to have seen you before or been around you.
Jamie, has anybody strange come to town?
Somebody that has taken specific notice of you.
I don't know, Dean. It's Oktoberfest. I'm a bartender.
There's lots of people. L...
- Wait a second, there is Ed. - "Ed Brewer" Ed?
Yeah. He moved here about a month ago.
Lucy swears he has a crush on me. He comes in almost every night.
But I don't think he's the type of guy...
- Where does Ed live? - I don't know.
But he works at the old movie theater.
I think he's the projectionist there.
- Take care of Mina? - Yup.
So monsters are real?
- Some of them. Yeah. - And this Shapeshifter...
...he could turn into different people?
Yeah. Except this one's turning into...
...the great monsters of screenland, which is a new one for me.
You're not really FBI, are you?
- Not so much. - So...
...this is what you do? You and your partner...
...just tramp across the country on your own dime...
...until you find some horrible nightmare to fight?
Some people paint.
Wow.
What?
That must suck. I mean...
...you're giving up your life for this terrible...
...I don't know, responsibility.
Last few years, I started thinking that way.
And, you know, it started sort of weighing on me.
Of course, that was before...
A little while ago, I had this...
...let's call it a near-death experience.
Very near.
And...
...ahem, when I came to...
...things were different.
My life's been different.
I realized that I help people.
You know? Not just help them though, I save them.
And I gotta say, it's awesome.
It's kind of like a gift.
Like a mission.
Kind of like a mission from God.
So does that make you...
...some kind of monk or something?
You know, celibate?
Man, I hope not.
Holy crap. Oh, my God, Jamie.
Guys, I'm sorry. I thought you guys were going out.
Lucy, it's okay. Listen...
I came to borrow a bottle. I got something going on back at my...
Anyway, you guys look really busy. So I'm just gonna get out of your hair.
No, seriously, Lucy. It's been a crazy night. Stay for a drink.
Yeah, stay for a drink.
Whoa!
You FBI man. What did I...?
Shut up! Okay? You know what you did.
- What? - I know what you are.
I'm not anything. I just like to play the Casio.
- Had time to grow the ear back, huh? - What? Ow!
Ow! Ouch! Ouch!
- It's supposed to come off. - No, it's not.
Oh, that sounds awful. Jamie, honey, are you okay?
I'm fine. He didn't even touch me.
Dean, he just, heh, flew right in and fought him off.
Well, I didn't actually fly. But I'm sure it seemed that way at the time.
It did. It was really, really something.
- Jamie? - Hmm.
So, Dean, are you like a black belt or what?
Well, I guess, they train you to fight at the academy or whatever.
Dean! What are you doing?
It's you, isn't it?
Oh! Damn it.
What did you put in our drinks?
It's all right, I'll skin you myself.
And scene.
Oh, come on.
She is beautiful, no?
Bride Number 3 from the first film.
She never got the acclaim that she deserved...
...which is why I chose her shape, her form...
...to move among the mortals unnoticed...
...to listen to the cricket songs of the living.
That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn...
...in this century.
I can't get over what a pumpkin-pie-eyed crazy son of a bitch you really are.
You're not Dracula. You get that, right?
Or even if you think you are Dracula...
...what the hell is up with the mummy?
I am all monsters.
Life ain't a movie, you sorry sack of...
- Aah. - Life is small...
...meager, messy.
The movies are grand, simple, elegant.
I have chosen elegance.
Yeah? Is "elegance" really the word for what you did to Marissa?
Or Rick Deacon? Or any of the others?
But, of course, it is a monster movie after all.
You do realize what happens at the end of every monster movie?
Ah.
But this movie is mine.
And in it, the monster wins.
The monster gets the girl.
And the hero, he's...
...electrocuted.
And tonight, Jonathan Harker...
...you will be my hero.
Wait, wait, wait. Heh-heh.
Please, excuse me.
Good evening.
Uh...
- Pizza delivery? - Ah.
You have brought a repast. Excellent.
Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.
Uh-huh.
That'll be 15.50.
- Tell me. - Yeah?
Is there garlic on this pizza?
I don't know.
- Did you order garlic? - No.
Then, no. Look, mister, I got four other deliveries to make.
You wanna just pay me the money so I can go?
Of course. Yes.
But I have a coupon.
Dean, hey listen. Ed is not our guy.
I'm guessing you went home with Jamie, so just give me a call, okay?
Lucy.
You wake.
The gown, it suits your beauty.
Please, put it on.
Where am I? What have you done with Dean?
Harker is resting elsewhere.
Please, put on the gown and you may dine.
We are having pizza.
What? What is wrong with you?
You made up Lucy, right?
Pretended to be my friend?
I needed to know if you were the one.
You could try talking to people.
- And instead you become this? - The gown.
I don't want to play your stupid game. Okay? I just...
I just want to go home.
Put on the gown!
L... I scared you.
You're the only one I don't wanna scare.
I just love the movies.
They aren't real.
You can't make them real.
Real is being born this way.
Different.
Real is having your dad call you "monster. "
It's the first time you hear the word...
...and he tries to beat you to death with a shovel.
Everywhere I ran, everywhere I tried to hide, people found me.
Dragged me out, attacked me.
Called me "freak," called me "monster. "
Tsk. Then I found them.
The great monsters.
In their movies, they were strong, they were feared.
They were beautiful.
And now I am like them.
Commanding.
Terrifying.
Lonely.
Was lonely.
Now I have you.
Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people?
Or I kill people because I'm lonely.
- Did you hear that? - What?
Dean?
Dean!
Oh, thank God. Just in the nick of time. Uhn!
Guy was about to Frankenstein me.
- Hey there, Hansel. Heh. - Shut up.
Let's go.
You will never win, Van Helsing!
And you, Harker.
Now you die.
How about now you shut the hell up?
- Oh. - Ahh.
Silver?
It was Beauty...
...that killed the Beast.
No, Mina, do not weep.
Perhaps this is how...
...the movie should end.
Well, thank you, G-man.
You've been of great service to your country.
Oh, yes. I'm very patriotic.
- Bye. - Bye.
You guys saved my life, you know?
So thanks.
I like her.
Feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it does. - Hero gets the girl.
Monster gets the gank. All in all, happy ending.
- With a happy ending no less. - Heh. Real classy, Dean.
Hey, all I'm saying is the shifter might have had a point.
Be nice if life was movie simple.
If I was turning life into a movie, I wouldn't do this...
...Abbot-and-Coste/o Meet-the-Monster crap.
- Yeah. No, I know what you'd pick. - Heh.
No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do. - No, you don't. You don't.
- Porky's II. - What?
You heard me.
Lucky guess.
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